Is this where all the D!cks hang out?

Blog 3 boys.  Blog 3.  3rd time is a charm.  3 M F ing french hens.  Today I think I will talk about my phobia of urinals and what I thought about the NASCAR event last weekend.  Man, Kara Dioguardi looks good tonight.

First off, I've never had too much respect for urinals.  Ever since I was a wee lad, I have never understood them.  I remember in school we had the urinals that went to the floor and now I usually see the urinals that start out about, oh I don't know, 2 feet off the ground, eliminating all little people from potential usage.  At least when I was little urinals wouldn't discriminate and I can't believe in today's world urinals are taking a step backwards and discriminating more now than before.  Come on urinals, Barack Obama is president, be the change.  

I'm sorry urinals, I know I was pretty tough in paragraph one but that isn't even really why I dislike you.  Hold on to your horses urinals (ha, I just pictured a urinal riding a horse) it will probably get worse.  

I don't know, maybe I'm just not good at urinals but I have never really been able to use them properly.  So I don't know, maybe I'm the only one having this problem, hopefully someone can back me up here.  Maybe it's because the angle of my dangle isn't proportionate to the heat of my meat but every time I use a urinal I get splashed with my own piss.  I think what bugs me the most is that some of this ricochet I'm catching could be the remnants of a previous user's pee.  Yuck.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love pee, who doesn't but I would much rather use a conventional toilet and forgo having two navy blue puddles on my jeans when I return to whoever I am with.  Peeing your pants is cool but having pee splatter your knee is a little embarrassing.  

On a side note, the very worst place I have encountered peeing in urinals is the B Dubs on Lane and High.  The last time I had to use a urinal at this particular bdubs I was a little chilly due to all the wetness on my leg.  Honestly, I think the next time I take a leak there I am going to change into a swimsuit.  I always pee in swimsuits, don't you?

Sometimes I feel goofy taking a leak in a toilet when all the urinals are open but that's okay. Opting for toilets doesn't make me any less of a man, neither does my love for American Musical Theatre.  No, no, it's my vagina that makes me less of a man. 

NASCAR?

In case you missed it, who cares.  The heavens opened up and it started raining, the race was called with 48 (of 200) laps left.  The order of the racers with 48 laps left is how they finished, which was a terrible way to crown a champion.  

WTF NASCAR.  THE DAYTONA 500, THE SUPERBOWL OF RACING.  Uh, we just had the real Super Bowl and they didn't quit after the third quarter.  In fact, they played the entire game.  I understand they can't continue the race when it is raining but that seriously sucked.  I mean, I can't think of a better system NASCAR should invoke for such events but they should race the entire race.  Put that shit under a dome.  The real reason I'm mad is because I bet on the race and it was the first race I have ever watched and was called 3/4 of the way through.  Oh yeah, my main man Elliot Sadler, was in first and then he decided to go slow for a while, dropping him to fifth.  It was about 5 laps after this happened that the race was called and yours truly lost his bet.  I guess I learned my lesson, I don't like NASCAR and I'm not giving it another chance.

Random Topics

The post today will be a little different.  You might think I'm a little weird but I guess you'd be right.  Over the past few weeks I have been putting what I consider to be interesting questions in my phone.  My original plan was to bust these questions out when a few of us were wasted and talk about them.  This blog will be the most fun if you guys post comments about what you think.  Anywho, here we go.  

Q.  What is one character you would change in any movie?

A.  Ok, I'm going to answer my own question with a few answers here.  First off, I'm changing Nick Cage to Bruce Willis in every movie Nick Cage has ever appeared in.  Seriously though, I would change Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz to Danny DeVito.  I would also like to change Toto with Shaq.  I've always wanted to see Danny DeVito carry Shaq in a whicker basket and this would be my perfect chance.

Q.  What is the worst movie you have every seen?

A.  I think I have a tie here.  House of 1000 Corpses and The Dentist II.  Was anyone familiar with The Dentist I?  I know I haven't, which is why I'm not exactly sure why I watched The Dentist II but I definitely wish I had those two hours of my life back.  I don't really remember why I hated House of 1000 Corpses so much because I've been trying to forget that movie.  I do it starred Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute) and it was incredibly impossible.

I should stop being so negative.

Q.  What is the best movie you have ever seen?

A.  I think The Dark Night is probably the best made movie I've ever seen.  I usually don't really go for action movies but The Dark Night was pretty awesome.  As for my favorite movies... Field of Dreams, American Beauty, Donnie Darko, Almost Famous and Dumb and Dumber.  I also really liked Requiem for a Dream but I never want to see it again.  It is a pretty powerful movie and really leaves an impression on you, which is something I look for in a good movie. 

Q.  If you could be an animal what would you be?

A.  I would probably want to be a cat.  You can do whatever you want all day and play with stupid things that shouldn't be fun at all.  Things like, paper, bouncy balls and your own tail.  This is something I could definitely get into.  I would not be the cleanest cat on the block though, because I have a policy that clearly states, "I do not lick my own two-hole".

Q.  How many cans of beer could you consume in one day without a puking rally?

A.  I'm going to pretend like it is one year ago and say about 16.  This of course, is an all day boozing affair, definitely not saying I could do this in two hours like "the godfather" probably could.

Q.  If you had to lose two of your limbs which two would you choose?

A.  I think I would get rid of my left arm and right leg.  This is because I am right-handed and I could hold a crutch in my right arm to act as my right leg.

Q.  If you could go back to any one point in time, where would you go?

A.  I would probably go back to the last ice age and try to befriend a wooly mammoth.  I think if I had a wooly mammoth on my side I would probably be pretty successful.  It could probably catch all my meals for me.  It would be my source of transportation and I could cut off some of its hair and make a killer blanket.  I might even have it kill another wooly mammoth and hollow out its insides so I had a nice house to live in.  Yeah, this is definitely what I would do.

Q.  If you could only use one condiment for the rest of your life what would it be?

A.  A1 Steak sauce.  A1 steak sauce.  A1 steak sauce.  I like A1 steak sauce.  I can manage eating chips without dip and I can even eat french fries without ketchup.  I will not eat steak without A1 though, I'd rather eat my shoe with a side of potatoes. 

Q.  What is the worst school mascot you have ever heard of?

A.  I can't decide if Thad Matta's Cornjerkers is the best or worst mascot I have ever heard of.  I have also heard of a Green Wave which I don't particularly understand.  Green Wave, doesn't really scare me but I also have never been part of a hurricane.

Q.  What is the most useless animal you can think of?

A.  The manitee.  It's nickname is the sea-cow.  I don't think the land-cow is particularly useful, besides the milk, of course.  Last time I checked sea-cows don't give milk so I think they are a pretty terrible animal which contributes nothing to society.  Get a job, sea-cow.

Saved by the Bell, finallyfast.com, superbowl

Alright, I'm in a hotel, a huge sperm whale dumped 10" of frozen ejaculate over Ohio (That's for you, Lee) and I'm really bored so I decided to create a blog.  I am pretty unfamiliar with this process but wtf.  I once took a Lit. course in college where my teacher said people tend to write novels about things they know well, whether they change the setting or not.  I guess this explains why i'll be writing about Saved by the Bell and the Super Bowl.  Late 80's, early 90's television and football, kind of my thing.  I think I'll also talk about this finallyfast.com commercial because it is bugging me.  

Not counting facebook wall posts, this is probably the first time I've written for entertainment purposes since a poem I wrote while on vacation in Tennessee.  I guess this will be my second time, overall.  Hopefully, this will be funny without mentioning guy-on-guy sodomy.  Oops.  My cousin Burke will also be posting blogs on here, which I am pretty excited about.  They should be pretty good because he is less of an idiot.

First off, I would like to discuss Saved by the Bell.  You know what I'm talking about.  This was probably my second favorite show (The Wonder Years) and I'm sure it was high on your list too.  The other day I woke up early enough to catch a couple episodes of Married With Children and Saved by the Bell and I realized that the humor on these shows is really corny.  My, how comedy has changed over a relatively short period of time. 

One of the Saved by the Bell episodes I saw was the drivers ed course with Mr. Tuttle, probably one of my all-time favorites (not as good as the murder mystery episode).  This drivers ed episode had all of the great elements Saved by the Bell was known for, Zach fighting for Kelly, Zach jealous of Slater, Zach scheming, Zach getting caught, Zach getting in trouble, Slater calling Jessie a babe, Jessie calling Slater a pig, Slater sitting in his chair the wrong way and Slater wearing those dynamite stone-washed jeans that go up past the belly-button (I heard he still has an affinity for those).  It also contains one of my favorite quotes, "And that Mr. Tuttle, is how you principal."  How you principal?  You can't verb a noun, Mr. Belding.

This episode made me wonder if actual high school kids liked Saved by the Bell.  I'm talking about kids who were in high school while Saved by the Bell aired.  I started to wonder this because I was probably about 8 when I really liked it and only now, I can see how corny it really was/is.  It was sort of like a show with high-schoolers, who had fourth grade problems.

There was an episode where Slater quit wrestling because he had a quiche in the oven.  There was also one episode where they all played high school basketball, which was quite hilarious.  Zach hurt his knee and needed to have surgery.  The surgeon happened to be Lisa's Mom but Zach feared for his life and fled the hospital.  In another episode Screech's parents left so he had a party.  Sorry, no booze.  There was one episode with a toga party and the cast drank some booze and Zach wrecked his car, so I have to give them credit for that.  There was also an episode where Jessie was addicted to "study pills," coincidentally, this is why I didn't get into Stanford.  Beside those two episodes, the problems were pretty mundane which leads me to believe high-schoolers in the late 80's and early 90's were probably watching something else.

Has anybody else seen this finallyfast.com commercial?  It is so terrible.  You seriously need to watch it before you continue reading.  It's probably on youtube but I'm not gonna look for the link.  Basically, it is an ad for a website to rid your computer of viruses but it is so cheesy.  At the end this nerdy dude says, "my computer is fast, finally! Finally fast.com!"  This commercial is honestly terrible.  I could make a better commercial with a kazoo and a pine-cone.  Honestly, if you just watch the right porn, you shouldn't have a virus problem.  

After seeing this commercial a few times and talking to my friends about how terrible it is, I have decided that they tried to make it that bad.  Here is what I'm thinking; if they make a mediocre commercial for an even more mediocre product everyone would probably just shrug their shoulders and forget about it.  Since they made the commercial so terrible, people will at least discuss it and more people will probably end up visiting finallyfast.com.  Maybe the idiots at finallyfast.com are actually smart.  Well played finallyfast.com, well played. 

Let's talk about the super bowl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this super bowl should be pretty good.  It probably won't provide a finish as exciting as last year but I think the entire game will be great, not just the final 8 minutes.  Here are some of the most important things of this years' super bowl. 

1. Pressure on Kurt Warner.  If the Stillers cannot pressure Warner off the edge the Cardinals will win.  It's that simple.  I say this because the Cardinals have the best duo and trio of WR's in the NFL.  Larry "fitzy baby" Fitzgerald is the best all-around WR in the league.  Andre Davis put up better numbers this year, sure, but have you watched the playoffs?  Anquan Boldin is the best WR in the NFL after the catch, it seriously is amazing to watch him run after the catch.  Steve Breaston, well, I'd rather not compliment Steve.

2. Cardinals ability to stop the run.  During the regular season the cardinals gave up 40+ points a handful of times.  They skated into the playoffs from the worst division in football.  The cardinals are to football what the winner of the NL west is to baseball.  Anyway, the Cardinals terrible defense turned completely around in the playoffs and I don't know why.  I mean, they have Ralph Brown.  In the wild card round the Cardinals beat the Falcons and Michael Turner pretty easily, shocking most people (including me).  After that, I was on their bandwagon but most weren't.  They beat Carolina who had the best rushing attack in the NFL, again, it was an easy victory.  Then they beat the Eagles.  They came out to a big lead before the eagles came back but the cardinals were again able to emerge victorious.  They were able to control Brian Westbrook, he was not completely shut out, but controlled.  What I'm trying to say is, the Cardinals will manage the stiller rushing attack pretty well.  I wouldn't expect the cardinals to completely shut out the shitsberg ground game but it also won't kill them.  

3. Ben Roethlishamberger.  If the stillers are going to win, they will need rossenmacher to be better than the decent quarterback he is.  I say this because The Cardinals are going to put up points, I don't care how good the shitsberg defense is.  The stillers will not be able to run all day and count on the defense to win.  The final score of this game will not be 9-7.  We will have to see Ben be a good passing quarterback if shitsberg is going to win.  He will not be able to throw up ducks to Santonio and let him run for 60 yards.  

Now I'd like to analyze these points and tell you who will win.  The stillers will be able to pressure Kurt Warner off the edge with Harrison, Woodley and Polamalu.  It will help out the stillers a lot and keep the game close, but I don't think we will be saying it was the reason shitsberg won when all is said and done.  I think the Cardinals will be able to use quick passes and bubble screens with Anquan Boldin if protections becomes an issue.  This will allow Boldin to become the stud running back the Cardinals don't have.

It won't really take me long to analyze how the cardinals have stopped running games in the playoffs.  Basically, it's because I don't know how they have just started to do this.  I think they will be able to maintain the stiller running game because they don't have a very good running game and the cardinals have previously limited Michael Turner, Carolina and Brian Westbrook.  

Ben "Rossenmacher" Roethlishamberger is a decent quarterback, at best.  In the NFL he has had the luxury of a great defense on his team.  I do not think he will be able to completely rely on them and Willy Parker to win the game.  I also don't think he will be able to do enough, in a warm stadium, to keep pace with Kurt Warner and his receivers.  I think Kurt will put up decent numbers and Santonio will continue to emerge as the number 1 receiver as Hines Ward continues to age.  I look for Santonio to have 80+ yards receiving and 1 touchdown.  This will not be enough and the Cards will be superbowl champions.  

Hopefully I am thinking with my brain and not my heart.  

I have a bit of a gambling problem, which is why I feel confident analyzing this superbowl for you.  Throughout the course of the season I have bet on about every team and watched every team at least once.  I believe I have watched every playoff game, so I know what I'm talking about.  That said, I definitely lost money betting on the NFL this year, but it was fun.  If (big if here) I were going to bet on this superbowl; this is how I would do it.  

The cardinals are +7 and the money line is +200, I would make a medium sized bet on the Cardinals straight up.  I would also look at the adjusted money lines.  The one I like is Cardinals -7.5 + 500, I would place a smaller bet on that.  I would then hedge my bets by taking the stillers -7 -105.  The first two bets pay out enough that if you would get those right, you can lose the stiller bet and still be up.  Also, if the Cardinals tank, the stiller bet will make you end up even on the day.  I have not mentioned the O/U, this is because it's at 46.5 which I think will be pretty accurate, so I wouldn't mess with it.

So, that is it, hopefully this blog has been semi-entertaining.  I'm sure I'll find something else to blog about if anyone reads this garbage.