Like most humans, I’m sure, I had never looked at an MLB season win total prior to the 2012 season. Fortunately, one day I came across this piece by Jonah Keri while sitting in that cube where I reside for roughly 40 hours a week. I do not expect too many people to read this and even fewer will click that link, so I will just explain the baseball season over/under. It’s simple. Vegas bookmakers put out a number for each MLB team as the total number of expected wins for that season. Our job as the bettor is to decide whether we think the actual win total realized at the end of a season for a particular team will be over or under the number bookmakers supplied.
For instance: the O/U on the 2012 Detroit Tigers was set at 93.5 after the offseason acquisition of Prince Fielder. Keri thought the infield defense would be historically bad and further that their closer, Valverde, could not repeat his 49 for 49 performance in save opportunities from the previous season. Keri goes into more detail but suffice to say, he liked the UNDER for the Tigers last season, and it was the over/under for which he had the highest confidence. The Tigers finished the 2012 season with an 88-74 record, which meant in college he would have bought everyone pizza that day, which is a roundabout way of saying he would have won that bet if he ended up actually placing it (since 88 is under 93.5).
I was very intrigued after reading Keri’s column and decided to go home that night and do some research. My thought was: betting something small like $5 ($5 is, like, nothing. I’m so rich, man.) makes a game so much more interesting than a game in which you have wagered $0. Why not make one bet, which is essentially a combination of 162 bets? I will tell you why I ended up not betting any season O/U’s. I know I just bragged about how I sometimes have at least $5 in discretionary income, but I didn’t want to make this kind of long-term bet (called a Future) unless I was going to put some serious coin on it and I didn’t feel comfortable doing that/I’m too poor to do that.
And just because I didn’t make any of these bets last season, doesn’t mean I haven’t fantasized about throwing fat stacks on several teams next season and then ultimately getting too nervous and not placing any/being too poor to place any. While most Americans are busy thinking about things like Abraham Lincoln (gotcha) on a daily basis, I’ve been trying to project the Reds 2013 win total since they day they were eliminated from the playoffs. I will walk you through some of the factors I’ve been considering. These O/U’s won’t be released until March, so if we start thinking about this stuff now, we’ll have plenty of time to make an informed wager.
In order to come up with a projection for 2013, we need to look closely at 2012 and determine what will be the same in 2013, and what will change in 2013. We need to identify the repeatable things that have happened and the more flukey things, which fans should not count on seeing in back-to-back seasons. Perhaps most importantly, we need to look at individual players to determine where they are in their career to project increased or decreased productivity and take the team aggregate of this factor.
For many teams, it would be way too early to even think about the 2013 win total because we would not have a great idea of what their roster would look like once the 2013 season commences, however, the Reds are at a unique position this offseason where they are not going to be signing too many free agents. The Reds 2013 roster will be very similar to the 2012 roster. I project the only change in the eight position players will be the vacancy left by Rolen, to be filled by Frazier, which I consider an improvement but what do I know, Dusty seemed to think Rolen was better than Frazier come the 2012 playoffs.
First off, when looking at the lineup/run scoring, I would predict a very similar output in 2013 to what we saw in 2012. I believe the gains realized from the –Rolen +Frazier equation will be erased by Ludwick regression in 2013. Interestingly, I keep thinking of Jonny Gomes’ first half of the 2010 versus the rest of his time with the Reds, while trying to project Ryan Ludwick. Pitchers eventually caught on to the curveball being the out-pitch for Gomes (and, boy, did he go cold), while conversely, the fastball has lead to Ludwick’s struggles. I worry how much time Dusty will give Ludwick in the four-hole splitting up Votto and Bruce if Ludwick is going to turn back into the player I think he is. The most important thing for scoring runs isn’t to have all of your best players at the top of the lineup, necessarily, it’s to have clustering of your best hitters and Dusty loves to put someone between the Reds best two hitters. If Dusty continues this trend because he doesn’t want Bruce and Votto (Votto had a .288/.413/.475 slash line against lefties in 2012 compared to Ludwick’s .263/.360/.576) batting back-to-back, we’ll need a good season from our third best hitter and also hope he’s batting fourth. All in all, since we continue to see players like Cozart and/or Stubbs batting 1st or 2nd, another player splitting up our best two hitters and our best contact hitter (Hanigan) batting 8th, I would not consider that great clustering. Perhaps the biggest factor in all of this, though, will be whether Votto’s power returns from his knee procedure because it never came all the way back last season. Votto hit zero home runs after returning. I would predict more of the same or a slight decrease from an offense that ranked 9th out of 16 NL teams in run scoring.
The other area we need to look at is run prevention. The Reds allowed the fewest runs of any National League team last season, which is incredible. Three factors allowed this to happen: A really good starting pitching rotation, an excellent bullpen and the best health I’ve ever seen from a starting rotation. The main reason I believe the Reds will slip in the run prevention category is because I don’t believe the incredible health of the starting rotation is repeatable, which means more starts from Minor Leaguers and more runs given up. A player outside the Reds Opening Day starting five only started one game for the Reds last season; it was the back-end of a double-header. And while I believe replacing Leake with Chapman as a starter would improve our starting five (and make the bullpen worse, but still a net gain), I’m also a huge fan of the Law of Large Numbers. It is probably my favorite law of all time. It basically states that while you can flip a coin “heads” three times in a row, the more you flip it, the closer your “heads” observation moves to 50%. I don’t believe this strictly applies to health as I would consider health somewhat of a skill (some athletes are less prone to injury), I also certainly wouldn’t be surprised if the Reds pitching staff experience injury at a rate higher than average in 2013. And briefly, the Astros move to the AL in 2013 so that variable would point to a decreased ability to prevent runs/win games over the course of a season.
As a Reds, Blue Jackets and Browns fan I have acquired an ability to temper my excitement for my favorite sports teams. I would not consider myself a pessimist, per se, but some of my friends probably would. Hopefully there are a few positives for 2013 which I have not taken into consideration, but given the factors I have detailed above, I would expect the win total of 97 in 2012 to come down in 2013. Given my lack of experience in this type of wager, I’m unsure of what Vegas will ultimately have for the Reds win total. Also, in such a preliminary state, we may have a good idea of the Reds roster, but we do not know about the rest of the division (Milwaukee/Josh Hamilton speculation). I could see the number being right around 90.5; with action on the over. I could be convinced of anything as low as 87.5, but I think at that number public opinion could prevail with about 85% of money coming in on the over. I don’t believe Vegas would necessarily want that. Let’s see how this plays out.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
This is Not the Most Important Thing Ever
To borrow and amend a phrase from the movie Old School: “Sports. It’s a motherfucker, huh?” The actual phrase begins with the word “love” but it’s amazing how easy it is to substitute the word “sports” for “love.” It probably shouldn’t be like that, but for some of us, it is.
Jayson Werth just hit a walkoff. It gave me chill bumps. Don’t even care about that game.
Here is a text convo I had with a friend of mine minutes after the Reds were eliminated. This friend of mine is not a Reds fan but he knows. He knows.
Friend: Sorry dude.
Me: ☺ look how happy I am. I’m fine.
Friend: Damn that’s happy.
Me: Told ya.
Me: Ow well. This is not a real life problem.
[I was really just trying to convince myself that I was ok]
Friend: It’s not a real life problem you’re right. But it’s also something that you’ve followed for multiple hours each day for 5 months. That’s probably more time than you’ve spent on some real life things. It’s ok to be sad.
Me: Ok, I’m definitely sad.
Ahh, he totally gets it. So much time we put in to following our favorite teams. It really only has a happy ending for one franchise, but we follow anyway. Why? I don’t know. We love a city (Blue Jackets). We love our parents who, for some reason, love a certain team (Buckeyes). We have fleeting memories of a grandparent who was always listening to the Reds when we went to their house (Reds, clearly). You know, it all starts with stuff like that.
These teams entertain us but they can’t help but hurt us. Only one team can be the ultimate champion. But for any competitor, and you are probably somewhat competitive if you care enough to watch sports, the losses take you lower than the wins get you high. That’s what’s really cruel. We’re addicted to sports; needing the next high, knowing the low will be exponentially worse.
The Reds are eliminated. I feel terrible. I know it shouldn’t be this big of a deal to me. It is.
It hurts right now but this was my favorite Reds team I can remember. Dominant pitching. This is how a ton of games went this season: Reds get lead. Reds keep lead. Reds win. The bullpen was amazing. Our defense was magnificent. Watching Joey Votto hit baseballs is an honor. Hearing Todd Frazier walk up to the plate with Frank Sinatra playing had me laughing the entire season. But for now, we cross that season off the list and hope we’re around long enough to see another great season. And maybe one season, everything clicks and we get to see our team at the pinnacle. Just once. Ask any Cubs fan, it’s not a right.
Many years growing up, the reds sat around 72-90 seasons. It’s a dull pain that festers every night, but we know our team sucks and you learn to deal with it. When you’re team is good and the season comes to an abrupt stop in the playoffs, it’s like you get all of that dull pain heaped on you at once. It kind of makes you feel like The Giver, if you ever had to read that book in 8th grade. It’s rough and it can make you forget all the good things your team accomplished throughout the season.
Reds
I can’t help but think of the next time I’ll get to see my Reds. Here are some things I really want to see.
1. Aroldis Chapman starting. Aroldis closing games was definitely one of the things that made this team my favorite, but closers just aren’t that valuable. David Weather was an effective closer for the Reds. David Weathers. Unless you’re going to strike everyone out, which Chapman totally can, so much of closing just comes down to chance. Is that a groundball right to Scott Rolen for an out or is it five feet to his left for a base hit? Now, you only need two more of those to tie the game (from an offensive standpoint) or win the game (from a defensive standpoint). What was Aroldis in save opportunities in the Postseason? 0-0. The Reds had no save opportunities. Not cool to leave your best arm in the dugout waiting for something that doesn’t come. Aroldis (and any reliever who can handle the workload of being a starter) would be much more valuable as a starter. Starters who stay healthy pitch over 200 innings a year. How many innings to relievers throw? I don’t know, but it’s a lot less. I’d rather have my best pitchers trying to get the most outs. Also, if you’re a person who thinks the 9th inning is the most important inning, if Team A scores 4 runs in the 1st inning and doesn’t score the rest of the game and, meanwhile, Team B doesn’t score until the 9th, where they score 3 runs; who just won the game? It wasn’t the team who won the 9th inning.
2. I’d like to see a new CF along with Todd Frazier in the lineup. More specifically, I’d like to see Todd batting 4th. Drew Stubbs has not made the progression you’d hope to see from any young Big Leaguer, in fact, without looking at his numbers, I’d say he’s probably regressed this season. I could put up with his strikeouts in seasons past because he always had goofy power, but he lost the power this season. I just don’t think someone who plays a really good defensive CF is all that valuable.
I’m hoping Todd Frazier will improve upon a great rookie campaign but I’m not sure I’d bet on it. Todd has a pretty serious hitch in his swing, which was exposed late in the season. Hopefully that hitch doesn’t actually exist; I’m no scout. I want Todd batting fourth next season because I don’t think Ludwick is good. Ludwick hit a lot of bombs this year and I was surprised at every single one of them. I’ve never seen a player hit so many homers and be late on every fastball above 91mph for an entire season. I believe he had a somewhat flukey 2012 and will be exposed a lot more in 2013. Actually, I changed my mind. My ideal lineup for next season would go: Phillips, Votto, Frazier, Bruce. I guess I’d have Frazier 3rd, but that’s not even worth hoping for. No manager would put Votto 2nd.
3. A New Manager. I don’t hate Dusty. I’ve certainly been critical of his decisions on twitter but I don’t hate him. I think Dusty is a leader of men, which is admirable, but he’s not a wonderful baseball tactician. He’s a “player’s manager.” I don’t know what that means. Nobody can quantify how that helps your team win. It’s especially difficult in baseball because, more than any of the other big four sports, baseball is robotic. Someone throws the ball at you and you react by swinging or not swinging. In the field, someone hits the ball near you and you sprint to catch it. I doubt Jay Bruce ever went deep because he’s so happy about becoming good friends with Zack Cozart because Dusty has a clubhouse that really nurtures that kind of thing. I don’t believe the manager has a huge effect on the final W/L total of a team but I do think Dusty makes really bad decisions from time to time. Is it really that difficult to find a player’s manager who also makes smart baseball decisions? I don’t know, but we’ll probably find out next season.
Jayson Werth just hit a walkoff. It gave me chill bumps. Don’t even care about that game.
Here is a text convo I had with a friend of mine minutes after the Reds were eliminated. This friend of mine is not a Reds fan but he knows. He knows.
Friend: Sorry dude.
Me: ☺ look how happy I am. I’m fine.
Friend: Damn that’s happy.
Me: Told ya.
Me: Ow well. This is not a real life problem.
[I was really just trying to convince myself that I was ok]
Friend: It’s not a real life problem you’re right. But it’s also something that you’ve followed for multiple hours each day for 5 months. That’s probably more time than you’ve spent on some real life things. It’s ok to be sad.
Me: Ok, I’m definitely sad.
Ahh, he totally gets it. So much time we put in to following our favorite teams. It really only has a happy ending for one franchise, but we follow anyway. Why? I don’t know. We love a city (Blue Jackets). We love our parents who, for some reason, love a certain team (Buckeyes). We have fleeting memories of a grandparent who was always listening to the Reds when we went to their house (Reds, clearly). You know, it all starts with stuff like that.
These teams entertain us but they can’t help but hurt us. Only one team can be the ultimate champion. But for any competitor, and you are probably somewhat competitive if you care enough to watch sports, the losses take you lower than the wins get you high. That’s what’s really cruel. We’re addicted to sports; needing the next high, knowing the low will be exponentially worse.
The Reds are eliminated. I feel terrible. I know it shouldn’t be this big of a deal to me. It is.
It hurts right now but this was my favorite Reds team I can remember. Dominant pitching. This is how a ton of games went this season: Reds get lead. Reds keep lead. Reds win. The bullpen was amazing. Our defense was magnificent. Watching Joey Votto hit baseballs is an honor. Hearing Todd Frazier walk up to the plate with Frank Sinatra playing had me laughing the entire season. But for now, we cross that season off the list and hope we’re around long enough to see another great season. And maybe one season, everything clicks and we get to see our team at the pinnacle. Just once. Ask any Cubs fan, it’s not a right.
Many years growing up, the reds sat around 72-90 seasons. It’s a dull pain that festers every night, but we know our team sucks and you learn to deal with it. When you’re team is good and the season comes to an abrupt stop in the playoffs, it’s like you get all of that dull pain heaped on you at once. It kind of makes you feel like The Giver, if you ever had to read that book in 8th grade. It’s rough and it can make you forget all the good things your team accomplished throughout the season.
Reds
I can’t help but think of the next time I’ll get to see my Reds. Here are some things I really want to see.
1. Aroldis Chapman starting. Aroldis closing games was definitely one of the things that made this team my favorite, but closers just aren’t that valuable. David Weather was an effective closer for the Reds. David Weathers. Unless you’re going to strike everyone out, which Chapman totally can, so much of closing just comes down to chance. Is that a groundball right to Scott Rolen for an out or is it five feet to his left for a base hit? Now, you only need two more of those to tie the game (from an offensive standpoint) or win the game (from a defensive standpoint). What was Aroldis in save opportunities in the Postseason? 0-0. The Reds had no save opportunities. Not cool to leave your best arm in the dugout waiting for something that doesn’t come. Aroldis (and any reliever who can handle the workload of being a starter) would be much more valuable as a starter. Starters who stay healthy pitch over 200 innings a year. How many innings to relievers throw? I don’t know, but it’s a lot less. I’d rather have my best pitchers trying to get the most outs. Also, if you’re a person who thinks the 9th inning is the most important inning, if Team A scores 4 runs in the 1st inning and doesn’t score the rest of the game and, meanwhile, Team B doesn’t score until the 9th, where they score 3 runs; who just won the game? It wasn’t the team who won the 9th inning.
2. I’d like to see a new CF along with Todd Frazier in the lineup. More specifically, I’d like to see Todd batting 4th. Drew Stubbs has not made the progression you’d hope to see from any young Big Leaguer, in fact, without looking at his numbers, I’d say he’s probably regressed this season. I could put up with his strikeouts in seasons past because he always had goofy power, but he lost the power this season. I just don’t think someone who plays a really good defensive CF is all that valuable.
I’m hoping Todd Frazier will improve upon a great rookie campaign but I’m not sure I’d bet on it. Todd has a pretty serious hitch in his swing, which was exposed late in the season. Hopefully that hitch doesn’t actually exist; I’m no scout. I want Todd batting fourth next season because I don’t think Ludwick is good. Ludwick hit a lot of bombs this year and I was surprised at every single one of them. I’ve never seen a player hit so many homers and be late on every fastball above 91mph for an entire season. I believe he had a somewhat flukey 2012 and will be exposed a lot more in 2013. Actually, I changed my mind. My ideal lineup for next season would go: Phillips, Votto, Frazier, Bruce. I guess I’d have Frazier 3rd, but that’s not even worth hoping for. No manager would put Votto 2nd.
3. A New Manager. I don’t hate Dusty. I’ve certainly been critical of his decisions on twitter but I don’t hate him. I think Dusty is a leader of men, which is admirable, but he’s not a wonderful baseball tactician. He’s a “player’s manager.” I don’t know what that means. Nobody can quantify how that helps your team win. It’s especially difficult in baseball because, more than any of the other big four sports, baseball is robotic. Someone throws the ball at you and you react by swinging or not swinging. In the field, someone hits the ball near you and you sprint to catch it. I doubt Jay Bruce ever went deep because he’s so happy about becoming good friends with Zack Cozart because Dusty has a clubhouse that really nurtures that kind of thing. I don’t believe the manager has a huge effect on the final W/L total of a team but I do think Dusty makes really bad decisions from time to time. Is it really that difficult to find a player’s manager who also makes smart baseball decisions? I don’t know, but we’ll probably find out next season.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Zeb, Ray and Forrest go to Marshall's
I don’t know how it really happened, but at some point, Marshall’s became our bar of choice. The “our” I referred to is comprised of Ray, Forrest and myself; Zeb. The three of us met on the campus of The Ohio State University in the fall of 2004 and built a strong friendship. So, as we wrapped up our respective academic careers and found big-boy jobs (not Frisch’s Big Boy) in the Columbus area, it made sense for us to find an apartment together. We settled in Grandview, a small suburb closer than any other suburb to downtown Columbus and also only a couple miles from campus.
The further removed we became from our time at college, the less we found it necessary to visit bars on campus and eventually, we began scouting out the local bar scene because it’s just easier, logistically. We had all been to Marshall’s prior to living in Grandview, but really grew to love the place after we located ourselves more closely to it. Also, their Happy Hour lasts until 9:00pm (domestics for $1.75), which was the main attraction. I know I said last paragraph that I wasn’t sure how Marshall’s came to be our bar of choice. I now remember: it’s because of the Happy Hour thing. Ray works from home, so I always send him the feeler-text first.
“sup?”
“? U?” Ray said, always quick to respond.
“Marshall’s?”
“yep. Forrest in?”
“dunno. Ask him when he gets home.” Forrest usually returned from work about a half hour before myself, so I thought they’d have time to sort everything out.
“Hurry up. I wanna get some beer.” Ray texted.
“LET’S GET SOME BEER!!!!!” I like to text in frat-guy-talk from time to time.
Alas, my workweek ended mercifully, on time and I’m released to navigate highway heroes (people who think driving one-mph-under to four-mph-over the speed limit merits third-lane usage) and construction-induced traffic on 670 before entering our third-story apartment.
“ZEBBY!!!!!!” Both roommates harmonize.
“RAYIEEE!!!! FORRESTY!!!!!! LET’S GET SOME BEER!!!!!!!!!” I reestablished my text.
Another inside joke between the three of us is how excited we always act before going to Marshall’s. I mean, we like Marshall’s but we also know, when we go to Marshall’s, the three of us will sit at one table, drink a handful of beers, come back to our apartment around 11pm and watch a movie on HBO On Demand while we nod off one-by-one. I guess it’s probably not a great joke if I feel the need to explain it, but the point is it’s not exactly the kind of event that would require several exclamation points, spoken or texted.
We enter Marshall’s, pass the indoor pond consisting of oversized goldfish (that’s not a metaphor or anything) and find our table at the other side of the middle room (Marshall’s contains three rooms on one story).
A pretty waitress greets us and takes our drink orders. It’s three Bud Lights. She asks if we need menus but Ray and Forrest have already eaten and I know I want the Reuben.
“No, I think we’re okay on menus, but can I get the Reuben?” See? I told ya.
A couple minutes later the waitress returns with our Bud Light and the three of us settle into what would normally be a pretty forgettable night.
“How was work, you guys? Did you really enjoy driving to and from work today?” Ray asked.
“It was pretty nice. Did you enjoy sitting in our apartment all day, yet again?” Forrest said.
“I did. I really did.”
“Do you ever worry that working from home might retard your social skills?” I said.
“Retard?” Forrest and Ray said.
“Yeah, like to slow down the or regress your social skills?” I said.
“Well, I don’t use the word ‘retard’ in conversations yet, so I think my social skills are still okay,” Ray said.
“Well done.” Forrest said.
“Touche.” I admitted being bested.
Our waitress made her way back to our table. “You guys ready for another round?” she asked. We each gave our own version of “yes” and she left to retrieve the booze. We took the opportunity to down the remainder of our first drinks. She dropped off round two and away she went to check on other tables.
“That waitress always looks really good by the time we leave.” I said
“She looks pretty good when we get here, too, Zebby.” Ray said.
“That’s a fair point.”
“Are we gonna do this thing where we start talking about which bartenders may or may not be out of our league again?” Forrest said.
“Should we? I think we should.” Ray said.
“I don’t think we should. It retards my confidence.” Forrest said.
“It’s a fun conversation.” Ray said.
“That’s a great word.” I said.
“What are we doing this weekend? Go home tonight and watch a movie. Wake up tomorrow and sit there until we sit here and then go home and watch a movie. Wake up on Sunday and watch TV until we watch a movie and then go to bed and wake up for work in the morning?” Forrest said.
“That sounds sweet. I’m in.” I raised my hand in order to offer Forrest the opportunity of a super-douchy high-five. He refused.
“Seriously. We should do something.”
“What do you want to do, sweetheart?” Ray said.
“I was thinking about this: We all watch so much TV. Let’s just make a short film. Like five minutes, or something.”
“For what. Who would see it?” I said.
“We would see it. It could be fun. It’s not like we’d be doing anything less productive with our time if we tried this.” Forrest said.
“I gotta admit, 12 seconds ago I was very skeptical about this idea. I’m in. Let’s do it.” I said.
“I agree. This will be fun.” Ray said. “So, what’s it gonna be about.”
“That’s a good question. Maybe we could plan that out tomorrow and Sunday and maybe try to have a script by next weekend.” Forrest said.
“Yeah, but while we’re here talking, let’s get the creative juices flowing.” I said.
“Does anyone have a camera?” I asked.
“I have an iPhone.” Ray shrugged.
“Oh, this project is practically filming itself.” I said.
The waitress returned. Based on how long that last conversation would have taken, we realistically drank that beer very quickly.
“Another round?”
“Yes. We’re hatching a serious idea right now and it’s definitely gonna take a few more brews.” Ray said.
“What’s this idea?” the waitress asked.
The three of us exchanged quick glances and telepathically agreed that to anyone besides the three of us, the idea would probably sound extremely lame.
“It’s top secret. We’re only allowed to say that we’re hatching an idea right now. We can’t get into any of the deets.” I said.
“Okay, I’ll be right back with your beers.” She said and walked away.
“Our bartender is out of your league, Zebby.” Ray said.
“Shit. The actual idea we’re ‘hatching’ is less losery than what you told her. Did you both have to say the word ‘hatching’?” Forrest said.
“At least Zebby didn’t say ‘retard’ again.”
“Guys. It’s not like I’m using it in a derogatory way… it’s not offensive.”
“Still probably in poor taste.” Forrest said.
“Fine, I’ll stop saying retard.” I said. “So, what should this thing be about?”
“I don’t know. Let’s make it about nothing. That’s what Seinfeld did.” Forrest said.
“Yeah, from episode to episode it was about nothing. You still need a plot for a singular episode. You couldn’t just film us watching TV for five minutes. Or could you? That would be about nothing.” Ray said.
“Well, where do we want to film this?” I said.
“Might as well not worry about that until we decide what it’s gonna be about.” Forrest said.
“That’s the thing. Maybe an idea of where we want the thing to take place will elicit an idea for the story. Like, if we wanted it to be filmed here, it would be about me not talking to girls. If we wanted it to take place at a carnival, it could be about Ray throwing up on a ferris wheel.” I said.
“Hmm. That’s a good point.” Forrest said, rubbing his lips with his thumb and forefinger. “I like where we’re at. We’re off to a good start. What a great idea by me, Forrest.”
The further removed we became from our time at college, the less we found it necessary to visit bars on campus and eventually, we began scouting out the local bar scene because it’s just easier, logistically. We had all been to Marshall’s prior to living in Grandview, but really grew to love the place after we located ourselves more closely to it. Also, their Happy Hour lasts until 9:00pm (domestics for $1.75), which was the main attraction. I know I said last paragraph that I wasn’t sure how Marshall’s came to be our bar of choice. I now remember: it’s because of the Happy Hour thing. Ray works from home, so I always send him the feeler-text first.
“sup?”
“? U?” Ray said, always quick to respond.
“Marshall’s?”
“yep. Forrest in?”
“dunno. Ask him when he gets home.” Forrest usually returned from work about a half hour before myself, so I thought they’d have time to sort everything out.
“Hurry up. I wanna get some beer.” Ray texted.
“LET’S GET SOME BEER!!!!!” I like to text in frat-guy-talk from time to time.
Alas, my workweek ended mercifully, on time and I’m released to navigate highway heroes (people who think driving one-mph-under to four-mph-over the speed limit merits third-lane usage) and construction-induced traffic on 670 before entering our third-story apartment.
“ZEBBY!!!!!!” Both roommates harmonize.
“RAYIEEE!!!! FORRESTY!!!!!! LET’S GET SOME BEER!!!!!!!!!” I reestablished my text.
Another inside joke between the three of us is how excited we always act before going to Marshall’s. I mean, we like Marshall’s but we also know, when we go to Marshall’s, the three of us will sit at one table, drink a handful of beers, come back to our apartment around 11pm and watch a movie on HBO On Demand while we nod off one-by-one. I guess it’s probably not a great joke if I feel the need to explain it, but the point is it’s not exactly the kind of event that would require several exclamation points, spoken or texted.
We enter Marshall’s, pass the indoor pond consisting of oversized goldfish (that’s not a metaphor or anything) and find our table at the other side of the middle room (Marshall’s contains three rooms on one story).
A pretty waitress greets us and takes our drink orders. It’s three Bud Lights. She asks if we need menus but Ray and Forrest have already eaten and I know I want the Reuben.
“No, I think we’re okay on menus, but can I get the Reuben?” See? I told ya.
A couple minutes later the waitress returns with our Bud Light and the three of us settle into what would normally be a pretty forgettable night.
“How was work, you guys? Did you really enjoy driving to and from work today?” Ray asked.
“It was pretty nice. Did you enjoy sitting in our apartment all day, yet again?” Forrest said.
“I did. I really did.”
“Do you ever worry that working from home might retard your social skills?” I said.
“Retard?” Forrest and Ray said.
“Yeah, like to slow down the or regress your social skills?” I said.
“Well, I don’t use the word ‘retard’ in conversations yet, so I think my social skills are still okay,” Ray said.
“Well done.” Forrest said.
“Touche.” I admitted being bested.
Our waitress made her way back to our table. “You guys ready for another round?” she asked. We each gave our own version of “yes” and she left to retrieve the booze. We took the opportunity to down the remainder of our first drinks. She dropped off round two and away she went to check on other tables.
“That waitress always looks really good by the time we leave.” I said
“She looks pretty good when we get here, too, Zebby.” Ray said.
“That’s a fair point.”
“Are we gonna do this thing where we start talking about which bartenders may or may not be out of our league again?” Forrest said.
“Should we? I think we should.” Ray said.
“I don’t think we should. It retards my confidence.” Forrest said.
“It’s a fun conversation.” Ray said.
“That’s a great word.” I said.
“What are we doing this weekend? Go home tonight and watch a movie. Wake up tomorrow and sit there until we sit here and then go home and watch a movie. Wake up on Sunday and watch TV until we watch a movie and then go to bed and wake up for work in the morning?” Forrest said.
“That sounds sweet. I’m in.” I raised my hand in order to offer Forrest the opportunity of a super-douchy high-five. He refused.
“Seriously. We should do something.”
“What do you want to do, sweetheart?” Ray said.
“I was thinking about this: We all watch so much TV. Let’s just make a short film. Like five minutes, or something.”
“For what. Who would see it?” I said.
“We would see it. It could be fun. It’s not like we’d be doing anything less productive with our time if we tried this.” Forrest said.
“I gotta admit, 12 seconds ago I was very skeptical about this idea. I’m in. Let’s do it.” I said.
“I agree. This will be fun.” Ray said. “So, what’s it gonna be about.”
“That’s a good question. Maybe we could plan that out tomorrow and Sunday and maybe try to have a script by next weekend.” Forrest said.
“Yeah, but while we’re here talking, let’s get the creative juices flowing.” I said.
“Does anyone have a camera?” I asked.
“I have an iPhone.” Ray shrugged.
“Oh, this project is practically filming itself.” I said.
The waitress returned. Based on how long that last conversation would have taken, we realistically drank that beer very quickly.
“Another round?”
“Yes. We’re hatching a serious idea right now and it’s definitely gonna take a few more brews.” Ray said.
“What’s this idea?” the waitress asked.
The three of us exchanged quick glances and telepathically agreed that to anyone besides the three of us, the idea would probably sound extremely lame.
“It’s top secret. We’re only allowed to say that we’re hatching an idea right now. We can’t get into any of the deets.” I said.
“Okay, I’ll be right back with your beers.” She said and walked away.
“Our bartender is out of your league, Zebby.” Ray said.
“Shit. The actual idea we’re ‘hatching’ is less losery than what you told her. Did you both have to say the word ‘hatching’?” Forrest said.
“At least Zebby didn’t say ‘retard’ again.”
“Guys. It’s not like I’m using it in a derogatory way… it’s not offensive.”
“Still probably in poor taste.” Forrest said.
“Fine, I’ll stop saying retard.” I said. “So, what should this thing be about?”
“I don’t know. Let’s make it about nothing. That’s what Seinfeld did.” Forrest said.
“Yeah, from episode to episode it was about nothing. You still need a plot for a singular episode. You couldn’t just film us watching TV for five minutes. Or could you? That would be about nothing.” Ray said.
“Well, where do we want to film this?” I said.
“Might as well not worry about that until we decide what it’s gonna be about.” Forrest said.
“That’s the thing. Maybe an idea of where we want the thing to take place will elicit an idea for the story. Like, if we wanted it to be filmed here, it would be about me not talking to girls. If we wanted it to take place at a carnival, it could be about Ray throwing up on a ferris wheel.” I said.
“Hmm. That’s a good point.” Forrest said, rubbing his lips with his thumb and forefinger. “I like where we’re at. We’re off to a good start. What a great idea by me, Forrest.”
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Reviewing a book. Because what's even more boring than actually reading a book? Reading about someone else who's talking about reading a book.
Several years ago I wrote a blog where I pointed out what everyone was thinking: I am the unofficial blog champion of anyone who has ever attended The Ohio State University. By that point, I had amassed, what seems to be a laughable total now, of 1500 hits but to someone who isn’t effortlessly unbelievable at absolutely everything, it would have been quite an accomplishment. Obviously, I couldn’t have cared less. Now, you may remember back then, there was a real nice up-and-comer in the blogging game by the name of Mark Titus. He was on the OSU basketball team and I guess a few people enjoyed his work. Was he anywhere near my level? Haha, hilarious question, me. But he was trying, and it was adorable nonetheless.
Clearly (I hope), I’m joshing. Basically, a couple years ago, I would mention Mark Titus in my blog and tweet it to him and see if he would acknowledge it. I know it was pathetic then. Well, guess what, it’s still pathetic now and I’m doing it again! A couple things I know about myself is that when I become famous I’m going to be one of the most vain muhfuckaz on the planet and that I will read everything anybody will ever write about me just as an extension of the first part. Since I reasonably assume every human being is exactly like me, that means Mark Titus has read my blog on several occasions. And that feels good.
The real reason I brought you here today is so I could type about a wonderfully hilarious and unique book. Don't Put Me In, Coach by Mark Titus is a swell read. Yes, I want to plug the book from my old foe, in an attempt to ‘bury the hatchet’. And, Mark, if I ever run into you at the bar, I will gladly buy you ‘four boilermakers’. As I have not previously mentioned, I recently reached the 5100 hit mark, so based on that kind of traffic, I’m guessing I just sold you at least 0-2 extra copies. Please, don’t worry about it. It’s not that big a deal. I’m happy to do it. On a side note: you really don't make that much money on advertising if you get 5100 hits in four years. Weird, I know.
Titus has no regard for his own privacy (as well as others) and makes the fear of embarrassing himself his bitch. He has the stones to broach any topic in this tell-all. He breezes through ever-polarizing subjects such as diarrhea, forced voyeurism with respect to sodomy and Richard Simmons's Vagina. He's able to do this with such eloquence, such grace, that one can't be sure he isn't describing the Westminster Dog Show or a high class Garden Party. (Is there another kind of garden party?) I really like the structure of this book. It is 257 pages and its font isn't challenging. It's designed perfectly for the average person who doesn't read a ton, but decided to give this book a whirl because it promises to generate insightful and hilarious stories. It does. Chapter length probably averages around six pages, which also helps novice readers like you and I plough through. "Meh, I think I'll quit reading right here tonight. Well, the next chapter is only three pages..." Thirty minutes later you've ready about thirty more pages. Personally, I read 10 pages the night I bought the book and finished it in two sittings the following two days. Really easy to get through. I don't want to give too much of it away, but I will say that it is about exactly what you'd expect if you've read his blogs. It's hilarious. I do believe the book is more vulgar, which I would have encouraged if I had been consulted but, alas, I wasn’t. Also, I found the stories of Thad Matta and some of his teammates I remember watching particularly enjoyable. Personally, as a Buckeye fan, the insight one gains about Thad Matta is worth the purchase price of the book by itself. You understand why he’s such a good recruiter, because he sounds like a dude you’d like to hang out with. Uhhh, again, it's really funny. Umm, how do you end something like this?
Basically, if you’ve had the inkling to read the book but you're not sure you wanna pony up the dough, just fucking do it.
Last week Mark wrote an awesome piece on Greg Oden. If you're a ding dong and aren't going to buy his book, at least read this.
Clearly (I hope), I’m joshing. Basically, a couple years ago, I would mention Mark Titus in my blog and tweet it to him and see if he would acknowledge it. I know it was pathetic then. Well, guess what, it’s still pathetic now and I’m doing it again! A couple things I know about myself is that when I become famous I’m going to be one of the most vain muhfuckaz on the planet and that I will read everything anybody will ever write about me just as an extension of the first part. Since I reasonably assume every human being is exactly like me, that means Mark Titus has read my blog on several occasions. And that feels good.
The real reason I brought you here today is so I could type about a wonderfully hilarious and unique book. Don't Put Me In, Coach by Mark Titus is a swell read. Yes, I want to plug the book from my old foe, in an attempt to ‘bury the hatchet’. And, Mark, if I ever run into you at the bar, I will gladly buy you ‘four boilermakers’. As I have not previously mentioned, I recently reached the 5100 hit mark, so based on that kind of traffic, I’m guessing I just sold you at least 0-2 extra copies. Please, don’t worry about it. It’s not that big a deal. I’m happy to do it. On a side note: you really don't make that much money on advertising if you get 5100 hits in four years. Weird, I know.
Titus has no regard for his own privacy (as well as others) and makes the fear of embarrassing himself his bitch. He has the stones to broach any topic in this tell-all. He breezes through ever-polarizing subjects such as diarrhea, forced voyeurism with respect to sodomy and Richard Simmons's Vagina. He's able to do this with such eloquence, such grace, that one can't be sure he isn't describing the Westminster Dog Show or a high class Garden Party. (Is there another kind of garden party?) I really like the structure of this book. It is 257 pages and its font isn't challenging. It's designed perfectly for the average person who doesn't read a ton, but decided to give this book a whirl because it promises to generate insightful and hilarious stories. It does. Chapter length probably averages around six pages, which also helps novice readers like you and I plough through. "Meh, I think I'll quit reading right here tonight. Well, the next chapter is only three pages..." Thirty minutes later you've ready about thirty more pages. Personally, I read 10 pages the night I bought the book and finished it in two sittings the following two days. Really easy to get through. I don't want to give too much of it away, but I will say that it is about exactly what you'd expect if you've read his blogs. It's hilarious. I do believe the book is more vulgar, which I would have encouraged if I had been consulted but, alas, I wasn’t. Also, I found the stories of Thad Matta and some of his teammates I remember watching particularly enjoyable. Personally, as a Buckeye fan, the insight one gains about Thad Matta is worth the purchase price of the book by itself. You understand why he’s such a good recruiter, because he sounds like a dude you’d like to hang out with. Uhhh, again, it's really funny. Umm, how do you end something like this?
Basically, if you’ve had the inkling to read the book but you're not sure you wanna pony up the dough, just fucking do it.
Last week Mark wrote an awesome piece on Greg Oden. If you're a ding dong and aren't going to buy his book, at least read this.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
The Cranberries
Sorry, I cannot figure out how to create paragraphs in this new blogger format. It keeps running all my paragraphs into one. Classic Blogger Boobie trap.
I had a dream last night. I dreamt I had spent the last seven seasons falling in love with the NHL’s worst and most embarrassing franchise. To be fair, it is likely that the worst and most embarrassing franchise would, in fact, be the same franchise.
I always assumed when people said they were living their dream, that it was a good thing. But now I know, “living your dream” is equal to being repetitively kicked in the beanbag by a little kid with very pointy shoes.
You see, last Friday I was at the smooth new shady bar behind my apartment, which should be located in the arena district but was plopped right on Watermark’s collective lap. As I listened to the soulful beats of Juvenile’s Back that Azz up, for the second night in a row at the place, and watched Mark-Andre Fleury and Bryzgalov for the Pens and Flyers, respectively forget everything they knew about goaltending, I reached a critical point. And that point I’m referring to is when I’ve had the perfect amount of beers where I inevitably think the same two thoughts: ‘These bartenders are stunningly gorgeous’ and ‘I should just move to Chicago’.
The strange thing was the next two thoughts, which usually don’t accompany the previous two: ‘How sweet would it be if the Blue Jackets were playing in this game? They could be playing two miles down the road in the playoffs! (of course, then I wouldn’t be at the bar two miles away, I’d be in fucking Nationwide Arena.)’ followed immediately by, ‘yeah right, that could never happen’. Sometimes I think inside parenthesis.
And that’s the real tragedy about how the Columbus Blue Jackets have been able to alter my thinking, because the Pens and Flyers aren’t currently playing in the Stanley Cup Finals. No, they’re in the first round of the playoffs. “Well, is it like baseball,” you ask “where only eight of the 30 teams make the playoffs?” (that number is expanding to 10 this season.)
“No, it’s not!” I would scream at you. “16 teams make the goddamn playoffs. Out of 30! Over fucking half of them and it still seems IMPOSSIBLE that we could ever make the playoffs. That’s how amazingly dreadful this organization is.” Boy, you really pissed me off. Then I would apologize.
“I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for allowing myself to be a die hard Blow Jackets Fan. I’m mad at the organization, but you’re great.”
53.33% of teams make the playoffs every year and I’m so confident the CBJ are at least five years from being part of that top 53.33%. And even though I inexplicably want to move to Chicago when I get tipsy, when I wake up the next morning I always think, ‘but I do love Columbus’. Unfortunately, I cannot be proud of my team. They are embarrassing.
I didn’t reached the point, you know, the point where you want to write your annual blog post, until Wednesday. I was perusing recent facebook updates on my super high tech blackberry to see the Official Columbus Blue Jackets most recent post: “FILL IN THE BLANK: Our biggest TEAM NEED for next season is ___________!”
First off, stop yelling that shit at me. Sweet use of the caps lock, bro. Now, I saw this post almost immediately and believed my CBJ brethren would follow my lead with more condescending and sarcastic responses, but unfortunately, most people kept it pretty civil. Mine actually wasn’t that bad either, but this is what I wrote up there: “Biggest need? I don’t know. I can’t think of anything. I’m pretty happy where we are.” Yeah, it wasn’t too bad, but it definitely wasn’t constructive! How does that taste, official CBJ facebook page?!!?!?!?
But that question posed by the CBJ really torked me right off. Why would you ask that? I just got over the fact that I realized the previous Friday we could never make the playoffs even though 53.33% of the league does every year. They just had to rub it in. To me, the question the CBJ posted is the exact same thing as this, “okay, dudes. Y’all know we were by far the worst team in the NHL last year, right? Management is looking for something, anything to make this club better, but they can only do ONE THING. What should they do, because they are fucking clueless.”
Is this how management gets its ideas? Asking the fans on Facebook what they would do? Another thing, why are you making me relive last season? Here is another version of the same question: “okay, dudes. Think back on how terrible we were last season. Surely, you’ve come up with dozens of memories in merely seconds. Okay, out of all the facets of the game where we were just god-awful, what were we the most god-awful at?”
Don’t make me relive that shit! I reached the breaking point. Remember in A Christmas Story when Ralphie finally has had enough from that yellow-eyed bully and beats the shit out of him, while letting out a string of profanities even though his mother was present? I felt like that. I wonder what happened to that kid. Looks like I need to take a momentary pause to do some wikipediaing.
Did you know Peter Billingsley and his four siblings all had acting careers when they were young? Well, I guess that pretty much ties up all the loose ends.
See ya in 2013!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
S's and G's NFL Contest
Man, I sort of forgot I even operated this website. I think it still looks pretty good. Aesthetically appealing. Aesthetically appealing was actually my nickname in High School. In ham Schmitmeyer since I’ve last posted: I have gotten a job and moved back to Columbus, Ohio. Bully for me! That’s about it. I’m pretty much the same guy, only slightly fatter, but I’m pleased to say that my hairline is still really hangin in there.
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the NFL will be back this year. Maybe you’ve also heard of the Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest, or maybe not. It goes like this ⇒ as soon as the NFL spreads are released each week, the spreads are posted on the Supercontests website. Then, everyone who has paid the entry fee selects five games against their respective spreads. This continues every week throughout the entire 17 week NFL schedule. At the conclusion of the regular season, the individual(s) with the highest win percentage wins a shit-ton of money. Last year, the winner took home over 200 G’s, I think. It sounds really fun and I’ve always wanted to play in it, and by “always,” I of course mean, “since I’ve heard of this competition last season.” The catch is the entry = $1000, so homey can’t play that. I decided that since I have this website available, we could play the game here. Only on my website, it would be the “shits and giggles” version, where there is no entry fee or winnings. This is better for me since I am currently monetarily challenged. Many people I know are also struggling with this affliction, which is emotionally painful and as embarrassing as halitosis.
I think I would get enjoyment out of running this game and would not actually participate besides collecting the spreads and posting weekly picks, results and standings.
Here’s how it would work.
I will find the spreads as early as possible and post them to my website by Monday. Although spreads move throughout the week on gambling websites, they will remain constant during the individual week. Everyone will be required to email me their FIVE picks against the spread by noon on Sunday (Thursday games will be tossed out save Thanksgiving week). Actually, I’m not sure how I’ll do this yet, it’s still up for debate. If one does not send their pick by the cutoff, they will go 0-5 that week. The winner will have the highest win percentage after week 17. Ties will be tossed out, so they will not help your win percentage but they will also not hurt it. You will be required to open-mouth kiss your sister on the lips when this happens or you will suffer immediate disqualification, or death. Basically, a 3-1-1 week becomes 3-1; the total added to the balance of the season. I think this could be really fun and I want to gauge interest, so please get in touch with me somehow and let me know if you’d be down to clizzown.
p.s. if you entered into this with a group of friends, I could not possibly stop you from betting amongst yourselves. I’m not strong enough. Just know that I will not be in charge of any felonious activities.
I refuse to proofread this.
@hamtime5
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the NFL will be back this year. Maybe you’ve also heard of the Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest, or maybe not. It goes like this ⇒ as soon as the NFL spreads are released each week, the spreads are posted on the Supercontests website. Then, everyone who has paid the entry fee selects five games against their respective spreads. This continues every week throughout the entire 17 week NFL schedule. At the conclusion of the regular season, the individual(s) with the highest win percentage wins a shit-ton of money. Last year, the winner took home over 200 G’s, I think. It sounds really fun and I’ve always wanted to play in it, and by “always,” I of course mean, “since I’ve heard of this competition last season.” The catch is the entry = $1000, so homey can’t play that. I decided that since I have this website available, we could play the game here. Only on my website, it would be the “shits and giggles” version, where there is no entry fee or winnings. This is better for me since I am currently monetarily challenged. Many people I know are also struggling with this affliction, which is emotionally painful and as embarrassing as halitosis.
I think I would get enjoyment out of running this game and would not actually participate besides collecting the spreads and posting weekly picks, results and standings.
Here’s how it would work.
I will find the spreads as early as possible and post them to my website by Monday. Although spreads move throughout the week on gambling websites, they will remain constant during the individual week. Everyone will be required to email me their FIVE picks against the spread by noon on Sunday (Thursday games will be tossed out save Thanksgiving week). Actually, I’m not sure how I’ll do this yet, it’s still up for debate. If one does not send their pick by the cutoff, they will go 0-5 that week. The winner will have the highest win percentage after week 17. Ties will be tossed out, so they will not help your win percentage but they will also not hurt it. You will be required to open-mouth kiss your sister on the lips when this happens or you will suffer immediate disqualification, or death. Basically, a 3-1-1 week becomes 3-1; the total added to the balance of the season. I think this could be really fun and I want to gauge interest, so please get in touch with me somehow and let me know if you’d be down to clizzown.
p.s. if you entered into this with a group of friends, I could not possibly stop you from betting amongst yourselves. I’m not strong enough. Just know that I will not be in charge of any felonious activities.
I refuse to proofread this.
@hamtime5
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Big Ten/OSU Thoughts
There are a few things I do know. I know most reality television is idiotic, but I still get sucked into watching way too much of it. I know my multiplication tables. I know bacon is incredible, so I’ve also deduced that it’s horrible for you. I know The Big Ten isn’t a great football conference and I know that it is not the Buckeyes’ fault.
If you hate Chevrolet, it’s probably not because of the Corvette.
If you’re writing a thesis on why every girl on the planet is ugly, you’re probably not going to use a picture of Jessica Alba as your cover page.
If you brag about how great the SEC is at football, I bet you’re not spending too much time talking about Vanderbilt, and if you’re going to slam the Big Ten you shouldn’t point out the only team that could survive an SEC schedule; it’s the rest of the conference that’s atrocious.
When all the super-cool hipsters talk about their brand new theory of Ohio State being overrated they’ll definitely bring up a couple lopsided losses to SEC teams in the National Championship. There are a couple things they’ll conveniently leave out of this argument, however. They won’t tell you that the Buckeyes are 6-3 in BCS Bowl games, they’ll just tell you about the two blowouts. They won’t tell you, since literally the beginning of the Bowl System, the Buckeyes have had less than fair circumstances in which to play their games. Basically every time the Buckeyes went to play the Pac-10, the Buckeyes had to play an away game in the Pac-10’s backyard, in the Rose Bowl. Odds-makers give the home team three points every game, which doesn’t sound like much but trust me, it is. They won’t tell you when the Buckeyes won their BCS National Championship against Miami, the Buckeyes defeated one of the most talented rosters in the history of the sport. They won’t tell you the Buckeyes were a ten point underdog in the game, which if you equate the payout for betting on a team getting ten points straight up means the Buckeyes should have defeated that Miami team only 1 out of every 6 to 8 tries. But we don’t get credit for that. While you will be reminded about the loss to LSU in the National Championship, they’ll probably forget in which Bowl that game occurred. Well, I was there, and I remember that it was the Sugar Bowl. You know, the bowl located an hour from LSU’s campus? I remember another thing about that Sugar Bowl. I remember that only three minutes had elapsed when the Buckeyes had a 10-point lead. I wonder how that game turns out had the Buckeyes opened up a 10-point lead and the game had been played in Cleveland. Jim Tressel with another National Title? It’s possible. If it did play out in that hypothetical manner, the Buckeyes would then be 7-2 in BCS Bowl games with two National Titles. What a terrible program. That’s not a fair argument though, because Cleveland is two hours from Columbus, not one.
I don’t want to spend too much time breaking down last nights’ game because if you’re here, I’m guessing you watched it. The most important thing I took away from last night was that the Ohio State D-Line crushed the Arkansas O-line. OSU skill position players are usually pretty fast and can run with most SEC teams; we’ve struggled in the trenches though, historically. Last night was different though, the Buckeyes looked like they had the fastest big-eaters and when the Arkansas D-line got through the Buckeye O-line, Terrelle Pryor used his legs to cover up those mistakes. Oh yeah, Ohio State is the last program to defeat half of the teams still vying for the National Championship.
The Big Ten is behind in football and needs to be fixed, but Ohio State is not the problem.
In a short Part Two I’m going to talk a little bit about Terrelle Pryor and Jim Tressel.
I’m not sure how sincere I think Terrelle is when he apologizes for his youthful, errant decision-making, but I do know what he’s done on the field has been pretty amazing. No, he has not won a National Championship and he has not lived up to his expectations. But I’ve often stated his hype before attending the Ohio State was mostly unwarranted, because he never passed in high school and still couldn’t throw very well at the end of his freshman year against Texas. Terrelle Pryor has defeated Michigan three times in three tries, he’s won three Big Ten titles and two BCS bowl games. Terrelle Pryor is 31-4 as a starter by my count. I’d certainly take those numbers out of Braxton Miller, who will lead the Buckeyes in the future.
Jim Tressel’s coaching style can be painfully irritating to watch as a fan of The Buckeyes. However he’s won six straight Big Ten titles, a National Title and is 9-1 against M!ch!g@n. Tressel is 106-22 in his career at OSU and 66-14 in conference play. Before the 2010 campaign, I looked over Tressel’s stats and vowed to never complain about his decisions again. He gets the job done.
Many people are driven to be the best, but most rest after they attain such status. Tressel has continued to push the OSU football program so that the second best Big Ten program currently isn’t even close to Ohio State, IMO.
In other news, M!ch!g@n hated Rich Rod so much they fired him and then several hours later announced that they hadn’t fired him. They fired him again today in attempt to completely cleanse their palate of the previous three years. It’s quite difficult to be hired only once and fired twice, but Rich Rod was able to achieve this, much to my three-year delight.
If you hate Chevrolet, it’s probably not because of the Corvette.
If you’re writing a thesis on why every girl on the planet is ugly, you’re probably not going to use a picture of Jessica Alba as your cover page.
If you brag about how great the SEC is at football, I bet you’re not spending too much time talking about Vanderbilt, and if you’re going to slam the Big Ten you shouldn’t point out the only team that could survive an SEC schedule; it’s the rest of the conference that’s atrocious.
When all the super-cool hipsters talk about their brand new theory of Ohio State being overrated they’ll definitely bring up a couple lopsided losses to SEC teams in the National Championship. There are a couple things they’ll conveniently leave out of this argument, however. They won’t tell you that the Buckeyes are 6-3 in BCS Bowl games, they’ll just tell you about the two blowouts. They won’t tell you, since literally the beginning of the Bowl System, the Buckeyes have had less than fair circumstances in which to play their games. Basically every time the Buckeyes went to play the Pac-10, the Buckeyes had to play an away game in the Pac-10’s backyard, in the Rose Bowl. Odds-makers give the home team three points every game, which doesn’t sound like much but trust me, it is. They won’t tell you when the Buckeyes won their BCS National Championship against Miami, the Buckeyes defeated one of the most talented rosters in the history of the sport. They won’t tell you the Buckeyes were a ten point underdog in the game, which if you equate the payout for betting on a team getting ten points straight up means the Buckeyes should have defeated that Miami team only 1 out of every 6 to 8 tries. But we don’t get credit for that. While you will be reminded about the loss to LSU in the National Championship, they’ll probably forget in which Bowl that game occurred. Well, I was there, and I remember that it was the Sugar Bowl. You know, the bowl located an hour from LSU’s campus? I remember another thing about that Sugar Bowl. I remember that only three minutes had elapsed when the Buckeyes had a 10-point lead. I wonder how that game turns out had the Buckeyes opened up a 10-point lead and the game had been played in Cleveland. Jim Tressel with another National Title? It’s possible. If it did play out in that hypothetical manner, the Buckeyes would then be 7-2 in BCS Bowl games with two National Titles. What a terrible program. That’s not a fair argument though, because Cleveland is two hours from Columbus, not one.
I don’t want to spend too much time breaking down last nights’ game because if you’re here, I’m guessing you watched it. The most important thing I took away from last night was that the Ohio State D-Line crushed the Arkansas O-line. OSU skill position players are usually pretty fast and can run with most SEC teams; we’ve struggled in the trenches though, historically. Last night was different though, the Buckeyes looked like they had the fastest big-eaters and when the Arkansas D-line got through the Buckeye O-line, Terrelle Pryor used his legs to cover up those mistakes. Oh yeah, Ohio State is the last program to defeat half of the teams still vying for the National Championship.
The Big Ten is behind in football and needs to be fixed, but Ohio State is not the problem.
In a short Part Two I’m going to talk a little bit about Terrelle Pryor and Jim Tressel.
I’m not sure how sincere I think Terrelle is when he apologizes for his youthful, errant decision-making, but I do know what he’s done on the field has been pretty amazing. No, he has not won a National Championship and he has not lived up to his expectations. But I’ve often stated his hype before attending the Ohio State was mostly unwarranted, because he never passed in high school and still couldn’t throw very well at the end of his freshman year against Texas. Terrelle Pryor has defeated Michigan three times in three tries, he’s won three Big Ten titles and two BCS bowl games. Terrelle Pryor is 31-4 as a starter by my count. I’d certainly take those numbers out of Braxton Miller, who will lead the Buckeyes in the future.
Jim Tressel’s coaching style can be painfully irritating to watch as a fan of The Buckeyes. However he’s won six straight Big Ten titles, a National Title and is 9-1 against M!ch!g@n. Tressel is 106-22 in his career at OSU and 66-14 in conference play. Before the 2010 campaign, I looked over Tressel’s stats and vowed to never complain about his decisions again. He gets the job done.
Many people are driven to be the best, but most rest after they attain such status. Tressel has continued to push the OSU football program so that the second best Big Ten program currently isn’t even close to Ohio State, IMO.
In other news, M!ch!g@n hated Rich Rod so much they fired him and then several hours later announced that they hadn’t fired him. They fired him again today in attempt to completely cleanse their palate of the previous three years. It’s quite difficult to be hired only once and fired twice, but Rich Rod was able to achieve this, much to my three-year delight.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Leaders and Legends
Upon initially hearing the names of the two Big Ten divisions, I supposed I was probably not unlike most of you when I thought, “What”? Yes, Leaders and Legends brought the words ‘what’, ‘corny’ and ‘arrogant’ to the forefront of my mind. It’s definitely a queer choice that didn’t sit well with me.
The news of the divisional names broke over 24 hours ago, and I’m sure most of you have taken the time to process this information and form your opinions. Maybe your initial thoughts were similar to mine, and then you spoke to some of your friends who also believed the names were not the correct choice, and thus your thoughts were cemented that the Divisional names were garbage and the Big Ten had failed. And now, you’re here searching for a little more affirmation. Based on my opening paragraph, you’ll surely get it, right? No, after spending a little more time thinking about the names, I like them. Here are my thoughts.
First off, it is incredibly easy to hear the names and immediately be displeased. It’s also easy to be cynical and think, “that’s the best these powerful, probably overpaid officials could come up with?” I touched on this line of thinking in my last blog and called it unproductive. I still believe this to be true. Instead of remaining negative about the names, I quickly thought to myself, “well, they probably could have done worse.” I then spent about 3 minutes trying to come up with better names for the divisions. I appreciated Leaders and Legends more after my 3 minutes had elapsed. My best idea was ‘Silver’ and ‘Gold’, which is terrible. This idea is obviously flawed because it implies one division is superior to the other. Thanks a lot, Olympics.
Secondly, I think the names will create great awareness for the Big Ten since it is, in fact, a business. Creating recognition for your conference will only serve to increase visits and applications from incoming college freshmen, which is the ultimate goal. Just ask Gonzaga how business was before it had a basketball team that created national recognition and by what percentage their applications have risen now that everyone knows who they are.
These two names will undoubtedly leave the door open for ridicule during down years of Big Ten football, but that’s going to happen anyway and truthfully, that’s the kind of stuff that really doesn’t bother me. If SEC fans want to make remarks about the Big Ten and their views of the ridiculousness of the divisional names, I think that just speaks to their character. The truth is the Big Ten is first and foremost, an organization of outstanding Academic Institutions and as an OSU grad; I will never be embarrassed about that. The Big Ten is not simply 12 separate football entities; it is so much more. The SEC is the king of football, and that’s okay because I’m not going pro in football.
To revisit something I sort of brushed past earlier, and mentioned in a previous blog, I’m not a fan of hearing complaints from someone who has no idea how to fix said problem. So I ask: What should the Big Ten have named its divisions? Should it have given the divisions directional names because that’s what the SEC and Big-12 did? I think I would have been most upset if the Big Ten had done this. How can the Big Ten expect to be exceptional if it just follows a template everyone else has already laid out? Won’t other institutions deserve the credit then? Sure, the Big Ten could have given the divisions directional names and it wouldn’t have drawn much scrutiny, but that sounds boring to me. Personally, I recognize that the Big Ten represents more than football, and I applaud its willingness to experiment and take the chances that can draw criticism. In the end, isn’t taking chances and experimentation what college is all about?
The news of the divisional names broke over 24 hours ago, and I’m sure most of you have taken the time to process this information and form your opinions. Maybe your initial thoughts were similar to mine, and then you spoke to some of your friends who also believed the names were not the correct choice, and thus your thoughts were cemented that the Divisional names were garbage and the Big Ten had failed. And now, you’re here searching for a little more affirmation. Based on my opening paragraph, you’ll surely get it, right? No, after spending a little more time thinking about the names, I like them. Here are my thoughts.
First off, it is incredibly easy to hear the names and immediately be displeased. It’s also easy to be cynical and think, “that’s the best these powerful, probably overpaid officials could come up with?” I touched on this line of thinking in my last blog and called it unproductive. I still believe this to be true. Instead of remaining negative about the names, I quickly thought to myself, “well, they probably could have done worse.” I then spent about 3 minutes trying to come up with better names for the divisions. I appreciated Leaders and Legends more after my 3 minutes had elapsed. My best idea was ‘Silver’ and ‘Gold’, which is terrible. This idea is obviously flawed because it implies one division is superior to the other. Thanks a lot, Olympics.
Secondly, I think the names will create great awareness for the Big Ten since it is, in fact, a business. Creating recognition for your conference will only serve to increase visits and applications from incoming college freshmen, which is the ultimate goal. Just ask Gonzaga how business was before it had a basketball team that created national recognition and by what percentage their applications have risen now that everyone knows who they are.
These two names will undoubtedly leave the door open for ridicule during down years of Big Ten football, but that’s going to happen anyway and truthfully, that’s the kind of stuff that really doesn’t bother me. If SEC fans want to make remarks about the Big Ten and their views of the ridiculousness of the divisional names, I think that just speaks to their character. The truth is the Big Ten is first and foremost, an organization of outstanding Academic Institutions and as an OSU grad; I will never be embarrassed about that. The Big Ten is not simply 12 separate football entities; it is so much more. The SEC is the king of football, and that’s okay because I’m not going pro in football.
To revisit something I sort of brushed past earlier, and mentioned in a previous blog, I’m not a fan of hearing complaints from someone who has no idea how to fix said problem. So I ask: What should the Big Ten have named its divisions? Should it have given the divisions directional names because that’s what the SEC and Big-12 did? I think I would have been most upset if the Big Ten had done this. How can the Big Ten expect to be exceptional if it just follows a template everyone else has already laid out? Won’t other institutions deserve the credit then? Sure, the Big Ten could have given the divisions directional names and it wouldn’t have drawn much scrutiny, but that sounds boring to me. Personally, I recognize that the Big Ten represents more than football, and I applaud its willingness to experiment and take the chances that can draw criticism. In the end, isn’t taking chances and experimentation what college is all about?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sports
Woah. There’s been a lot of news on the sports front this week. I don’t even know where to begin. Luckily, there’s no right or wrong answer for that sort of thing.
If you cut off Urban Meyer’s left leg and looked inside, you’d only see 46 rings, and at the age of 46, Urban has resigned from his job as Head Coach for the Florida Gators. If I were a Florida fan though, I wouldn’t panic. I think the 2010 campaign will likely be the worst for Florida because they’ve had to experience the growing pains of replacing a great Quarterback. Just ask Texas how easy that is. I’m not sure how the top 3 high school football states shake out exactly, but certainly, Florida is right there with the likes of Texas and California, so Florida will always have plus athletes. Let’s not forget that Urban has also turned the Florida job into one of the top 5 jobs in the sport. Florida will get a big-name hire, and the short-lived turmoil will be just that. Don’t fret, Florida fan.
And I can’t believe how interested I am in baseball right now. Through the glorious, instant obsession that is twitter, I’ve been on the pulse of all the offseason, free-agent moves, and I gotta say; I think it’s exciting. Without question the team making the biggest waves right now is the Boston Red Sox. The Red Sox have signed Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford to huge deals. Carl Crawford’s deal of 7 years, 142 MM dollars is pretty fat, unfortunately I don’t have Gonzalez’s figures in front of me, but best believe it’s also over 100MM; that’s a lot of Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. Oh yeah, let’s not understate the fact that Adrian Gonzalez has put up incredible offensive statistics in what might be the most pitcher-friendly park in all of baseball located in San Diego.
The most exciting thing for Red Sox fans is Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkilis all missed the bulk of the previous season due to injury. They’ll be returning/added to a team that won 89 games last season. In affect, the Red Sox are gaining 5 superstars this season! If they stay healthy, the Red Sox will be a monster. In my opinion, there isn’t another MLB roster even CLOSE to what the Red Sox have on paper right now. Stay tuned though, because Cliff Lee may come to terms with a club today or tomorrow.
The 2nd most coveted outfield free agent (Carl Crawford) this season was Jayson Werth, and the Phillies loss, was the rest of the National League’s gain. I’m excited to watch Jayson Werth, Steven Strasburg and Bryce Harper all in the same lineup in the future, but that IS still a few years away, and the Washington Nationals won’t contend this season. As a Reds fan, whose team is primarily looking to sure up its future with players it already has, as opposed to signing free agents, I’m thrilled to see the Phillies lose a piece of their puzzle. The only downside is Jayson Werth had nothing to do with the Reds being shut out in 2 of its 3 playoff games against the Phillies; so maybe the Reds haven’t really gained all that much.
If you cut off Urban Meyer’s left leg and looked inside, you’d only see 46 rings, and at the age of 46, Urban has resigned from his job as Head Coach for the Florida Gators. If I were a Florida fan though, I wouldn’t panic. I think the 2010 campaign will likely be the worst for Florida because they’ve had to experience the growing pains of replacing a great Quarterback. Just ask Texas how easy that is. I’m not sure how the top 3 high school football states shake out exactly, but certainly, Florida is right there with the likes of Texas and California, so Florida will always have plus athletes. Let’s not forget that Urban has also turned the Florida job into one of the top 5 jobs in the sport. Florida will get a big-name hire, and the short-lived turmoil will be just that. Don’t fret, Florida fan.
And I can’t believe how interested I am in baseball right now. Through the glorious, instant obsession that is twitter, I’ve been on the pulse of all the offseason, free-agent moves, and I gotta say; I think it’s exciting. Without question the team making the biggest waves right now is the Boston Red Sox. The Red Sox have signed Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford to huge deals. Carl Crawford’s deal of 7 years, 142 MM dollars is pretty fat, unfortunately I don’t have Gonzalez’s figures in front of me, but best believe it’s also over 100MM; that’s a lot of Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. Oh yeah, let’s not understate the fact that Adrian Gonzalez has put up incredible offensive statistics in what might be the most pitcher-friendly park in all of baseball located in San Diego.
The most exciting thing for Red Sox fans is Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkilis all missed the bulk of the previous season due to injury. They’ll be returning/added to a team that won 89 games last season. In affect, the Red Sox are gaining 5 superstars this season! If they stay healthy, the Red Sox will be a monster. In my opinion, there isn’t another MLB roster even CLOSE to what the Red Sox have on paper right now. Stay tuned though, because Cliff Lee may come to terms with a club today or tomorrow.
The 2nd most coveted outfield free agent (Carl Crawford) this season was Jayson Werth, and the Phillies loss, was the rest of the National League’s gain. I’m excited to watch Jayson Werth, Steven Strasburg and Bryce Harper all in the same lineup in the future, but that IS still a few years away, and the Washington Nationals won’t contend this season. As a Reds fan, whose team is primarily looking to sure up its future with players it already has, as opposed to signing free agents, I’m thrilled to see the Phillies lose a piece of their puzzle. The only downside is Jayson Werth had nothing to do with the Reds being shut out in 2 of its 3 playoff games against the Phillies; so maybe the Reds haven’t really gained all that much.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Get Your Tickets!
Housekeeping:
In an effort to make this blog closer to a daily occurrence, I'll need to stretch my imagination a little bit to come up with enough material. Although, I'm only going to be aiming for about 200-500 words per day, it'll still add up to a lot more Ham than 1000 words every third week. I've also decided to stop pimping my posts on FB since I don't fetch many hits, and it probably serves to annoy more than it actually helps people. So, if you want to read my stuff, just check here daily. All the time.
I recently heard someone on television talking about how he keeps all of his ticket stubs in a scrapbook. Initially, I thought it was an incredibly nerdy, and lame thing to do, but quickly changed my mind. I thought about some of the games I've been to in my life which have been awesome, and tried to fast forward to when I'm 80-years-old. I won't be able to remember any of it. In short, I've decided to also keep my ticket stubs, starting now, and write a brief summary of each experience. I've really been extremely fortunate to witness some of this stuff. I mean, really, some of these games, and the circumstances surrounding them, I can't believe I was a part of them. I've tried to recount everyone I was with at these games. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone on account of too much alcohol. This is entirely possible.
During the beginning of my sophomore year of college (2005) I spent a lot of time in an apartment tenanted (surprised this is a word) by Ronald, Zeke, Haus, Mitch and Justin Sanchez. They were all broke seniors, and I was a broke sophomore, not yet 21 and unable to enter most bars without fashioning a fake ID. The NHL returned from a lockout and we typically spent the weekend drinking cheap beer in the aforementioned apartment, joined by Greg S. and others, of course. It was this group however, that decided to turn on the Blue Jackets, who played their home games less than 3 miles from where we lived, in order to yell jibberish at the television screen and pretend like we knew hockey. None of us had ever watched hockey prior to this season. After about 3 drunk, weekend nights of screaming at the television and trying to encourage hockey fights, I looked at Ronald and asked if anyone actually kind of liked this sport for what it was, beside the fact that it gave drunk kids an excuse to yell at stuff. Ronald nodded, and suddenly the two of us, along with Greg S, evolved into die-hard BJ's fans. Ronald and I drove down High Street to the local Goodwill Store to be fitted for BlueJacket apparel. We bought actual jackets that happened to be blue. Ronalds was originally made for women, and mine was a nylon duster that went all the way to the ground. Wearing our new "uniforms" made watching the games hysterical and also drew us closer to the sport.
Flash forward to last Friday. Ronald, now wearing a Red Wings jersey, for reason's I hate to think of and refuse to explain for the purposes of this blog, myself, Ben B, J Boke, Z-Botz, Brian M, Danny M, and a Canadian guy named Joe, sat in Nationwide Arena watching the Blue Jackets and Red Wings play a game to decide 1st place in the division. Much like the first NHL game I ever attended, the Red Wings defeated to Blue Jackets, except this game was 2-1 and not 6-0. It kicked off the BJ's current 5-game skid. Besides this skid, the Blue Jackets have had their most successful season to date, but I've been without my best Blue Jacket friend, Ronald, and it's really disappointing.
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The Reds 1st home postseason game in 15 years. After finally having the pleasure of watching a winning season, I realized just how much I love the Reds more than any of my other sports teams. The Reds were swept out of the postseason in this game, but it was still an incredible sight, and I was fortunate to see it. I could probably complain about a few things, but complaining isn't productive and all it really does is make people not want to hang out with you. It's the only Reds game I've been to in my 25 years of living, where the stadium was actually full. For a moment I thought I was in heaven, and then my least favorite player made an error in the top of the 1st, so the Reds were quickly down 1-0, with the Series at 0-2. That's when I realized I was actually in Cincinnati, not heaven. Jake O purchased tickets online and I went to this game with My Brother Andy, Jason K, Greg S, and Jake O. For my purposes, it's unfortunate this "ticket" is actually just a piece of paper that was printed off the internet.
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I believe this game was played on a Thursday. It wasn't easy to find people to make the 2 hour drive to Cincinnati from Columbus to watch the Reds potentially clinch. With the projected starting pitching matchup, I was extremely confident the Reds WOULD indeed clinch, and I was able to talk one of my all-time greatest friends, Lee M, into going to the game. We met up with current Cincinnati resident and my former next door neighbor, Greg R, for this game. Heading into the bottom of the 8th, I called Jay Bruce would hit a leadoff, walk off homerun in the bottom of the 9th to send us to the playoffs. That's exactly what happened, because I'm a genius. Lee and I stayed around the park and took part in the celebration for an hour. We then drove back to Lee's house in Columbus, where we rewatched the game, and the walkoff, while drinking champagne and beer until 4am. This year I was able to watch the Reds biggest two home games in person, over the last 15 seasons; I'm grateful for that.
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The Buckeyes beat M!ch!g@n and we were heading back to the BCS National Championship. My immediate reaction was, "I'm absolutely broke, there's no way I can go to this game." Then, I went over a few things in my head and decided, "fuck it, I'm going to New Orleans." What are the things I went over that ultimately rationalized the trip to New Orleans? Glad you asked. Here's the list of my thoughts.
-I've been a fan of Buckeye Football since I was 5.
-Ohio State was the only college I wanted to go to.
-Ohio State was the only college I applied to.
-It was my senior season.
-How perfect is this situation?
-Very perfect. It's like a fairy tale.
-I'll just put everything on my credit card and pay it off eventually, somehow.
I called Lee M and the trip was on. Jon K from Miami, Aaron D from the University of Dayton, Justin S fellow OSU'er, myself and Lee made the trip.
Ohio State had a student lottery, which gave the winners the opportunity to purchase tickets to the national championship. Guess what. I won. I only knew 3 other people who won, and they were Abbey M, Kirby E and Tyler F. We all met up and purchased our tickets together and eventually, Tyler sold his.
About 2 weeks before we were to take off for New Orleans, I received a letter in the mail stating inactivity in my OPERS retirement account, which I was paying into while I was working for the Village of Minster for the previous 2 summers and 3 summers overall. It asked if I wanted to just cash it out. Yes, please. My only problem was, we were leaving for New Orleans so soon, I didn't know if the mail could get everything processed in time for my trip. Luckily I realized that I lived in Columbus, the capitol of Ohio, and that the OPERS office was probably also in Columbus. I was right, it was located about 1 mile from where I was living. I went to the office and collected the $900 I never realized I was entitled to and the trip was set.
If you're a fan of statistics as I am, think of these odds.
-Buckeyes make the championship my senior year.
-Out of about 150 OSU students I knew, I was 1 of 4 who won the opportunity to purchase tickets.
-Days before the trip, I was flat broke, but was basically gifted $900 which paid for everything.
All of these incredible circumstances made me positive that witnessing the Buckeyes win a National Championship in the Sugar Bowl my Senior year of college was destiny. After the first 3 minutes, the Buckeyes were up 10-0 and Kirby, Abbey and myself rejoiced as our destiny was certainly becoming a reality. This was the 1st time I ever thought I was in heaven. Then LSU scored 31 unanswered points and I realized I was just in shitty, shitty New Orleans. The game ended and my trip was over. Still, I'm undoubtedly fortunate to have been able to see this game, and partake in 4 days of partying in New Orleans with some of my best friends. Destiny still works, and the trip was a blast. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, the Buckeyes actually winning the game wasn't the most important thing.
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A season prior to witnessing a national championship game, I was on hand as the Buckeyes and M!ch!g@n met for the only time in their collective history as number 1 vs. number 2. I think Bo Schembechler passed away the day before, and Columbus was crazy. We had about 8 guests in our apartment for the weekend and it was a nonstop party.
I tailgated with Kurt B and his sister's friends before the game, and I saw Tara Reid partying at an adjacent tailgate. It's basically the only time I've seen a famous person in Columbus, who wasn't playing for a team based in Columbus, or from Columbus themselves.
I saw pairs of tickets on eBay for as much as $2400 for this game, but decided not to sell.
Anyway, Kurt and I left the tailgate, stole an unopened bag of chips from a random tailgate, and walked to the stadium. We ate the chips and drunkenly yelled stupid stuff all the way to the stadium. Kurt and I arrived at the stadium, but our seats weren't together that season, so I found my seat with Zoid. BTW, we were usually able to get to the 1st row of C-Deck, which is the upper bowl, to watch games. The seats were on about the 45 yard line, so you could see the plays unfold. These were my favorite seats I've ever had in Ohio Stadium. It was one of the greatest games ever, and the Buckeyes won 42-39. I had a throbbing headache from screaming the entire game. It was the loudest I've ever heard our crowd. Zoid and I rushed on the field and tore up some of the sod to take home with us. It was the last game the Buckeyes played on sod at home, as field turf was put in the following season. I had about a yard of sod hanging over my shoulder as we walked back to our apartment and people tore some of it off my back, but I didn't care, because who needs a yard of sod? I just wanted a little bit, and I kept it in our freezer for the rest of the school year. We moved out in June, and I deposited the sod into a dumpster. What an unbelievable memory.
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One of these two tickets is from a regional final baseball game I played my senior year of high school. It was the last game I ever played. I'm not completely sure where the other originated, although I suspect it's from the game our girls won state in basketball my senior year of high school.
My brother gave me his stub from the Regional Final game. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now, it's kind of special he thought to do that. I love baseball, and still miss playing it. I was fortunate to ride the coattails of such a great group of guys from age 8-18, and we made a lot of great memories.
Watching our girls basketball team win state our senior year was really fun. Most of my friends played football and basketball when I didn't, so I couldn't really hang out with them during those seasons. Since the girls playoff run came after our boys were eliminated and before baseball, it was a great time for all of us to hang out and support our girls, who eventually brought home the state title.
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So that's it. Wow, this was a lot longer than I anticipated. Talk about rambling. You'll probably have to excuse some of the grammar...
In an effort to make this blog closer to a daily occurrence, I'll need to stretch my imagination a little bit to come up with enough material. Although, I'm only going to be aiming for about 200-500 words per day, it'll still add up to a lot more Ham than 1000 words every third week. I've also decided to stop pimping my posts on FB since I don't fetch many hits, and it probably serves to annoy more than it actually helps people. So, if you want to read my stuff, just check here daily. All the time.
I recently heard someone on television talking about how he keeps all of his ticket stubs in a scrapbook. Initially, I thought it was an incredibly nerdy, and lame thing to do, but quickly changed my mind. I thought about some of the games I've been to in my life which have been awesome, and tried to fast forward to when I'm 80-years-old. I won't be able to remember any of it. In short, I've decided to also keep my ticket stubs, starting now, and write a brief summary of each experience. I've really been extremely fortunate to witness some of this stuff. I mean, really, some of these games, and the circumstances surrounding them, I can't believe I was a part of them. I've tried to recount everyone I was with at these games. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone on account of too much alcohol. This is entirely possible.
During the beginning of my sophomore year of college (2005) I spent a lot of time in an apartment tenanted (surprised this is a word) by Ronald, Zeke, Haus, Mitch and Justin Sanchez. They were all broke seniors, and I was a broke sophomore, not yet 21 and unable to enter most bars without fashioning a fake ID. The NHL returned from a lockout and we typically spent the weekend drinking cheap beer in the aforementioned apartment, joined by Greg S. and others, of course. It was this group however, that decided to turn on the Blue Jackets, who played their home games less than 3 miles from where we lived, in order to yell jibberish at the television screen and pretend like we knew hockey. None of us had ever watched hockey prior to this season. After about 3 drunk, weekend nights of screaming at the television and trying to encourage hockey fights, I looked at Ronald and asked if anyone actually kind of liked this sport for what it was, beside the fact that it gave drunk kids an excuse to yell at stuff. Ronald nodded, and suddenly the two of us, along with Greg S, evolved into die-hard BJ's fans. Ronald and I drove down High Street to the local Goodwill Store to be fitted for BlueJacket apparel. We bought actual jackets that happened to be blue. Ronalds was originally made for women, and mine was a nylon duster that went all the way to the ground. Wearing our new "uniforms" made watching the games hysterical and also drew us closer to the sport.
Flash forward to last Friday. Ronald, now wearing a Red Wings jersey, for reason's I hate to think of and refuse to explain for the purposes of this blog, myself, Ben B, J Boke, Z-Botz, Brian M, Danny M, and a Canadian guy named Joe, sat in Nationwide Arena watching the Blue Jackets and Red Wings play a game to decide 1st place in the division. Much like the first NHL game I ever attended, the Red Wings defeated to Blue Jackets, except this game was 2-1 and not 6-0. It kicked off the BJ's current 5-game skid. Besides this skid, the Blue Jackets have had their most successful season to date, but I've been without my best Blue Jacket friend, Ronald, and it's really disappointing.
---------------------------------------------
The Reds 1st home postseason game in 15 years. After finally having the pleasure of watching a winning season, I realized just how much I love the Reds more than any of my other sports teams. The Reds were swept out of the postseason in this game, but it was still an incredible sight, and I was fortunate to see it. I could probably complain about a few things, but complaining isn't productive and all it really does is make people not want to hang out with you. It's the only Reds game I've been to in my 25 years of living, where the stadium was actually full. For a moment I thought I was in heaven, and then my least favorite player made an error in the top of the 1st, so the Reds were quickly down 1-0, with the Series at 0-2. That's when I realized I was actually in Cincinnati, not heaven. Jake O purchased tickets online and I went to this game with My Brother Andy, Jason K, Greg S, and Jake O. For my purposes, it's unfortunate this "ticket" is actually just a piece of paper that was printed off the internet.
------------------------------------------------
I believe this game was played on a Thursday. It wasn't easy to find people to make the 2 hour drive to Cincinnati from Columbus to watch the Reds potentially clinch. With the projected starting pitching matchup, I was extremely confident the Reds WOULD indeed clinch, and I was able to talk one of my all-time greatest friends, Lee M, into going to the game. We met up with current Cincinnati resident and my former next door neighbor, Greg R, for this game. Heading into the bottom of the 8th, I called Jay Bruce would hit a leadoff, walk off homerun in the bottom of the 9th to send us to the playoffs. That's exactly what happened, because I'm a genius. Lee and I stayed around the park and took part in the celebration for an hour. We then drove back to Lee's house in Columbus, where we rewatched the game, and the walkoff, while drinking champagne and beer until 4am. This year I was able to watch the Reds biggest two home games in person, over the last 15 seasons; I'm grateful for that.
-----------------------------------------
The Buckeyes beat M!ch!g@n and we were heading back to the BCS National Championship. My immediate reaction was, "I'm absolutely broke, there's no way I can go to this game." Then, I went over a few things in my head and decided, "fuck it, I'm going to New Orleans." What are the things I went over that ultimately rationalized the trip to New Orleans? Glad you asked. Here's the list of my thoughts.
-I've been a fan of Buckeye Football since I was 5.
-Ohio State was the only college I wanted to go to.
-Ohio State was the only college I applied to.
-It was my senior season.
-How perfect is this situation?
-Very perfect. It's like a fairy tale.
-I'll just put everything on my credit card and pay it off eventually, somehow.
I called Lee M and the trip was on. Jon K from Miami, Aaron D from the University of Dayton, Justin S fellow OSU'er, myself and Lee made the trip.
Ohio State had a student lottery, which gave the winners the opportunity to purchase tickets to the national championship. Guess what. I won. I only knew 3 other people who won, and they were Abbey M, Kirby E and Tyler F. We all met up and purchased our tickets together and eventually, Tyler sold his.
About 2 weeks before we were to take off for New Orleans, I received a letter in the mail stating inactivity in my OPERS retirement account, which I was paying into while I was working for the Village of Minster for the previous 2 summers and 3 summers overall. It asked if I wanted to just cash it out. Yes, please. My only problem was, we were leaving for New Orleans so soon, I didn't know if the mail could get everything processed in time for my trip. Luckily I realized that I lived in Columbus, the capitol of Ohio, and that the OPERS office was probably also in Columbus. I was right, it was located about 1 mile from where I was living. I went to the office and collected the $900 I never realized I was entitled to and the trip was set.
If you're a fan of statistics as I am, think of these odds.
-Buckeyes make the championship my senior year.
-Out of about 150 OSU students I knew, I was 1 of 4 who won the opportunity to purchase tickets.
-Days before the trip, I was flat broke, but was basically gifted $900 which paid for everything.
All of these incredible circumstances made me positive that witnessing the Buckeyes win a National Championship in the Sugar Bowl my Senior year of college was destiny. After the first 3 minutes, the Buckeyes were up 10-0 and Kirby, Abbey and myself rejoiced as our destiny was certainly becoming a reality. This was the 1st time I ever thought I was in heaven. Then LSU scored 31 unanswered points and I realized I was just in shitty, shitty New Orleans. The game ended and my trip was over. Still, I'm undoubtedly fortunate to have been able to see this game, and partake in 4 days of partying in New Orleans with some of my best friends. Destiny still works, and the trip was a blast. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, the Buckeyes actually winning the game wasn't the most important thing.
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A season prior to witnessing a national championship game, I was on hand as the Buckeyes and M!ch!g@n met for the only time in their collective history as number 1 vs. number 2. I think Bo Schembechler passed away the day before, and Columbus was crazy. We had about 8 guests in our apartment for the weekend and it was a nonstop party.
I tailgated with Kurt B and his sister's friends before the game, and I saw Tara Reid partying at an adjacent tailgate. It's basically the only time I've seen a famous person in Columbus, who wasn't playing for a team based in Columbus, or from Columbus themselves.
I saw pairs of tickets on eBay for as much as $2400 for this game, but decided not to sell.
Anyway, Kurt and I left the tailgate, stole an unopened bag of chips from a random tailgate, and walked to the stadium. We ate the chips and drunkenly yelled stupid stuff all the way to the stadium. Kurt and I arrived at the stadium, but our seats weren't together that season, so I found my seat with Zoid. BTW, we were usually able to get to the 1st row of C-Deck, which is the upper bowl, to watch games. The seats were on about the 45 yard line, so you could see the plays unfold. These were my favorite seats I've ever had in Ohio Stadium. It was one of the greatest games ever, and the Buckeyes won 42-39. I had a throbbing headache from screaming the entire game. It was the loudest I've ever heard our crowd. Zoid and I rushed on the field and tore up some of the sod to take home with us. It was the last game the Buckeyes played on sod at home, as field turf was put in the following season. I had about a yard of sod hanging over my shoulder as we walked back to our apartment and people tore some of it off my back, but I didn't care, because who needs a yard of sod? I just wanted a little bit, and I kept it in our freezer for the rest of the school year. We moved out in June, and I deposited the sod into a dumpster. What an unbelievable memory.
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One of these two tickets is from a regional final baseball game I played my senior year of high school. It was the last game I ever played. I'm not completely sure where the other originated, although I suspect it's from the game our girls won state in basketball my senior year of high school.
My brother gave me his stub from the Regional Final game. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now, it's kind of special he thought to do that. I love baseball, and still miss playing it. I was fortunate to ride the coattails of such a great group of guys from age 8-18, and we made a lot of great memories.
Watching our girls basketball team win state our senior year was really fun. Most of my friends played football and basketball when I didn't, so I couldn't really hang out with them during those seasons. Since the girls playoff run came after our boys were eliminated and before baseball, it was a great time for all of us to hang out and support our girls, who eventually brought home the state title.
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So that's it. Wow, this was a lot longer than I anticipated. Talk about rambling. You'll probably have to excuse some of the grammar...
Friday, December 3, 2010
LeBron Outcome
I guess it's kind of ironic or hypocritical that I'm so sick of hearing about the Heat/Cavs/LeBron, yet I continue to talk about it. Well, just wanted to let you all in on a little something...
Since I'm in Grad School/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/a loser, I'm usually not extremely busy from 10am-1pm during any day. Strangely enough, this is precisely the time that my good ole buddy, Colin Cowherd is on ESPNU talking about sports. I usually check in daily to see if he's talking about something I'm interested in and if he is, I'll continue watching. And if he's not, I'll probably continue watching. It's still better than The Price is Right.
Yesterday, or Today, or whatever, Colin was talking about LeBron, and he asked people to email what they WANTED to happen in the game, and what they THOUGHT would happen yesterday, or today, or whatever. He said, he would give the person with the closest prediction a "real nice package," and since I enjoy real nice packages and am in Grad School/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/a loser, I decided to take the time to voice my opinion. I guess I'll just copy/paste my exact email for you folks:
"I want LeBron to score 30 and the Heat to win by double digits.
I think LeBron will score 38 and the Heat will win by 15. I think the crowd will affect LeBron, but it will also affect the Cavs players. LeBron will shoot poorly, and decide to take it to the rack every time. LeBron won't let himself have a game that will allow the Cav fans to say, "we don't even miss you, LeBron." I think LeBron will do everything tonight."
I don't know if any of y'all kept track, but LeBron did score exactly 38 points last night. I'm guessing someone else probably emailed Colin and also predicted 38 points, but suggested a point total that ended up being closer than my 15 (Heat won by 28), so I doubt I'll win. I sure hope I win though, it would be my 4th appearance on the show either via having my email read and name mentioned, or literally being in the background of the shot when on location. So, if you tune into The Herd tomorrow and hear, Big Time Hammer Time mentioned, you better believe they're talking about me.
Even if I don't win, sometimes as a Grad Student/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/loser, you just have to find reasons to brag about yourself every once in a while.
Since I'm in Grad School/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/a loser, I'm usually not extremely busy from 10am-1pm during any day. Strangely enough, this is precisely the time that my good ole buddy, Colin Cowherd is on ESPNU talking about sports. I usually check in daily to see if he's talking about something I'm interested in and if he is, I'll continue watching. And if he's not, I'll probably continue watching. It's still better than The Price is Right.
Yesterday, or Today, or whatever, Colin was talking about LeBron, and he asked people to email what they WANTED to happen in the game, and what they THOUGHT would happen yesterday, or today, or whatever. He said, he would give the person with the closest prediction a "real nice package," and since I enjoy real nice packages and am in Grad School/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/a loser, I decided to take the time to voice my opinion. I guess I'll just copy/paste my exact email for you folks:
"I want LeBron to score 30 and the Heat to win by double digits.
I think LeBron will score 38 and the Heat will win by 15. I think the crowd will affect LeBron, but it will also affect the Cavs players. LeBron will shoot poorly, and decide to take it to the rack every time. LeBron won't let himself have a game that will allow the Cav fans to say, "we don't even miss you, LeBron." I think LeBron will do everything tonight."
I don't know if any of y'all kept track, but LeBron did score exactly 38 points last night. I'm guessing someone else probably emailed Colin and also predicted 38 points, but suggested a point total that ended up being closer than my 15 (Heat won by 28), so I doubt I'll win. I sure hope I win though, it would be my 4th appearance on the show either via having my email read and name mentioned, or literally being in the background of the shot when on location. So, if you tune into The Herd tomorrow and hear, Big Time Hammer Time mentioned, you better believe they're talking about me.
Even if I don't win, sometimes as a Grad Student/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/loser, you just have to find reasons to brag about yourself every once in a while.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Quick Keyboard Mash - LeBron
Here are a few thoughts I wanted to get out before the matchup tonight in Cleveland. It’s exciting to know moments will occur tonight that we’ll be talking about for decades. I mean, these moments happen, but I think it’s rare that we know exactly when they’re going to happen. In forty years when ESPN Classic is running its LeBron Story, tonight will be a part of it. Tonight will be included in nearly every story ever created about LeBron. Scratch that, it WILL be included in EVERYTHING aimed at telling LeBron’s story. And tonight, we’ll all witness. Too easy.
First off, I’ve only watched the NBA for its players. When I was little, I watched Reggie Miller and Michael Jordan. Today I enjoy watching LeBron and Durant and Nash, but I never felt it would have been right to consider myself a Cav fan. Not after all the futility I’ve experienced (Reds and Browns). I resented people for taking the easy way out, and I was not-so-secretly pleased when LeBron left.
What do I think will happen tonight? I can make a prediction, but based on what? There’s no precedent for this. There’s basically no precedent for anything LeBron has ever done, if you think about it.
Who grows up being touted as the next best player in their sport by the time they’re 16? Already a small number. Of those people, who grew up in a city, which has suffered the kind of professional sports poverty akin to Cleveland? The list is already probably down to LeBron only, but let’s keep going. Who lives up to the hype and by the time they are 18, think about it, 18, is the consensus best player entering the draft. Man, I was stupid at 18. And wouldn’t you know it, your hometown was worst in the league last year, and they have the number 1 pick. You can’t write this stuff; it’s sports. This movie script would be stupid. LeBron is picked by his hometown with the duty of bringing the city out of sports hell. His games continues to progress and puts up ridiculous numbers. He has a couple playoff runs where he’s just out of his mind. Look up some of the stats he’s had in the playoffs. Absurd. LeBron grows tired of trying to defeat deep, 9-man teams in the conference semis and finals by himself and decides to bolt town.
LeBron does an hour of ill-advised television and he’s immediately the worst human being on the planet. What a character flaw, eh Kobe? Eh Big Ben? Eh Ron Artest? Eh Tiger?
Basically I’m trying to say that this entire “LeBron” saga has never happened before. How can I predict what’ll happen tonight? Cowherd makes a great point. He says Cav fans can yell at LeBron tonight and hopefully get everything out of their collective system. It can, and hopefully will be therapeutic. I hope we can stop talking about it after tonight. Sure, players have skipped town and come back to play in front of angry fans before, but not to this magnitude. Don’t kid yourself. (BTW: Mike "The Miz" insert last name, just won some kind of WWE title. He's from Cleveland (Parma), does this end the title drought?)
I’m really more annoyed with the incessant Heat coverage. We’ve already figured out they won’t surpass the ’96 Bulls. Can we stop with a little bit of this converage. Every day I have to wade (pun intended) through all the Heat news to find the really important stuff on ESPN (Blue Jackets news).
The big 3 in Miami have each gone over 20 points the past few games and I think they are putting it together. But I don’t know if it’ll be enough to defeat the energy in the Q tonight. I think LeBron is going to try too hard, and I think he has to. The worst thing LeBron can do is be a non-factor. He can’t be complacent and give Cav fans a chance to think they don’t even miss him. LeBron has to be a tornado tonight, which I don’t think is even a basketball term. I think he has to try to do everything. I think he’ll have too many nerves to have a good shooting night, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be able to get to the rack.
The worst part about LeBron leaving in favor of Miami is the time they’re taking to figure out how to play together. Wade and LeBron haven’t coexisted perfectly yet, but it will get better, if Wade can accept that it’s no longer his team, IMO. After all, LeBron is the reigning two-time MVP. The league’s most valuable player hasn’t been entertaining. He hasn’t been appointment television.
I know not everyone is a sports fan, but if you’re reading this, you probably are. I don’t particularly care about the NBA, but I will realize a chance to be a small part of history, even if it’s on the other side of a television screen. I hope you’ll all join me in putting this issue to bed.
I’ll see you tomorrow
First off, I’ve only watched the NBA for its players. When I was little, I watched Reggie Miller and Michael Jordan. Today I enjoy watching LeBron and Durant and Nash, but I never felt it would have been right to consider myself a Cav fan. Not after all the futility I’ve experienced (Reds and Browns). I resented people for taking the easy way out, and I was not-so-secretly pleased when LeBron left.
What do I think will happen tonight? I can make a prediction, but based on what? There’s no precedent for this. There’s basically no precedent for anything LeBron has ever done, if you think about it.
Who grows up being touted as the next best player in their sport by the time they’re 16? Already a small number. Of those people, who grew up in a city, which has suffered the kind of professional sports poverty akin to Cleveland? The list is already probably down to LeBron only, but let’s keep going. Who lives up to the hype and by the time they are 18, think about it, 18, is the consensus best player entering the draft. Man, I was stupid at 18. And wouldn’t you know it, your hometown was worst in the league last year, and they have the number 1 pick. You can’t write this stuff; it’s sports. This movie script would be stupid. LeBron is picked by his hometown with the duty of bringing the city out of sports hell. His games continues to progress and puts up ridiculous numbers. He has a couple playoff runs where he’s just out of his mind. Look up some of the stats he’s had in the playoffs. Absurd. LeBron grows tired of trying to defeat deep, 9-man teams in the conference semis and finals by himself and decides to bolt town.
LeBron does an hour of ill-advised television and he’s immediately the worst human being on the planet. What a character flaw, eh Kobe? Eh Big Ben? Eh Ron Artest? Eh Tiger?
Basically I’m trying to say that this entire “LeBron” saga has never happened before. How can I predict what’ll happen tonight? Cowherd makes a great point. He says Cav fans can yell at LeBron tonight and hopefully get everything out of their collective system. It can, and hopefully will be therapeutic. I hope we can stop talking about it after tonight. Sure, players have skipped town and come back to play in front of angry fans before, but not to this magnitude. Don’t kid yourself. (BTW: Mike "The Miz" insert last name, just won some kind of WWE title. He's from Cleveland (Parma), does this end the title drought?)
I’m really more annoyed with the incessant Heat coverage. We’ve already figured out they won’t surpass the ’96 Bulls. Can we stop with a little bit of this converage. Every day I have to wade (pun intended) through all the Heat news to find the really important stuff on ESPN (Blue Jackets news).
The big 3 in Miami have each gone over 20 points the past few games and I think they are putting it together. But I don’t know if it’ll be enough to defeat the energy in the Q tonight. I think LeBron is going to try too hard, and I think he has to. The worst thing LeBron can do is be a non-factor. He can’t be complacent and give Cav fans a chance to think they don’t even miss him. LeBron has to be a tornado tonight, which I don’t think is even a basketball term. I think he has to try to do everything. I think he’ll have too many nerves to have a good shooting night, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be able to get to the rack.
The worst part about LeBron leaving in favor of Miami is the time they’re taking to figure out how to play together. Wade and LeBron haven’t coexisted perfectly yet, but it will get better, if Wade can accept that it’s no longer his team, IMO. After all, LeBron is the reigning two-time MVP. The league’s most valuable player hasn’t been entertaining. He hasn’t been appointment television.
I know not everyone is a sports fan, but if you’re reading this, you probably are. I don’t particularly care about the NBA, but I will realize a chance to be a small part of history, even if it’s on the other side of a television screen. I hope you’ll all join me in putting this issue to bed.
I’ll see you tomorrow
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
20 Best Characters in Comedy, Post Friends Era
I have a 10-page paper due Saturday in class and I originally had planned to do it today (Tuesday). Instead, I started thinking about all my favorite comedic characters in television over the past couple years. After minutes of thinking, it occurred to me that this very topic could make for a decent blog. It also occurred to me that I haven't posted a written blog in a couple weeks, and when that happens, the Hambino Hounds tend to go a little nuts. I concluded it's best to keep the Hounds satiated, so I went to work coming up with the best 20 characters in American comedy television, post Friends era. Is it time for me to begin gathering research and formulating ideas for my paper? Probably. Is it time to start panicking? Absolutely not.
I texted my Podcast buddy, Burke, and asked for his input. His response was, I'd have Ricky Gervais's character from the British version of The Office #1 and then he said he'd also have Homer Simpson in the mix as well. I quickly responded, only American television and no animation. I haven't watched a whole lot of British television and I couldn't really include animation because after Futurama, Family Guy and The Simpsons, there'd only be a few spots left on my list. I didn't want to include the British version of The Office (or as they call it in Britain, The Office), because then how would I be able to count out all the other British shows I've never seen? I didn't want to open that can of worms. I didn't want to included animated television either because half of comedy is being able to see the way comedians use their bodies and faces. As someone on my list once said, "I'm sort of a student of comedy." And worms are really gross.
I hope I don't offend people by leaving certain characters off my list. It is important to remember that there's nothing wrong with liking what you like. Personally, I must have a bit of a weird taste in comedies because my two favorite movie comedies of all time weren't able to outgross its production expenses in the box office. Basically, there are no right or wrong answers here.
I wasn't exactly sure how to compile my list. I didn't want to just make it my favorite characters of comedy, but I also didn't want to blurt out the 20 most popular actors either. This list is somewhere in the middle. It's mostly my favorite people, and a few other characters who I feel earned it. Like Ray Romano. I never really watched this show, but it was on forever, and I know a lot of people my age who really like it, so he's kicking things off. I got a clip of him here.
19) Jeff (Patrick Warburton), Rules of Engagement.
I think most comedy's on Network or Cable (I've never learned the difference) tend to get a little corny. I can just identify with HBO a little more because they say words like, "fuck" and "prostate." I'm not sure that makes any sense; anyway, I think Patrick has done a nice job on this show, even though I've lost interest in it. I got a clip of him here.
18) Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell), Modern Family.
This show's won emmy's and it's awesome. The cast is great, and I'd recommend checking it out. If the show were a few more seasons in, Mr. Dunphy would be much higher on my list. This was one of my favorite clips when I searched youtube to accompany all of these. I got a clip of him here.
17) Doug Heffernan (Kevin James), The King of Queens.
Dougy-Doug is benefiting from the "Ray Barone Rule." I only ever watched this show in passing, but I think it's pretty decent. He makes the list because he gives me the opportunity to mention SBTB's Stacie Carosi (Leah Remini) playing opposite him. It's hard for me to give Kevin James my full attention because I always find myself thinking about Social Studies whenever I see him. He looks strikingly similar to my 8th grade Social Studies teacher, who concentrated more on Civic's and less on making me laugh.
I got a clip of him here.
16) Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), Parks and Recreation.
This cat has potential. This clip also made me LOL, where most could only make me GQTM. Andy is prohibited from currently being any higher on my list by the "Ty Burrell Syndrome." I got a clip of him here.
15) Murray Hewitt (Rhys Darby) Flight of the Conchords.
This is probably the one where you're like, "who the hell is that?" Then you'll be like, "Oh, I've seen that guy somewhere... Oh it's the boss from 'Yes Man'." Then you'd be right. He was also funny (playing the same character) in this cult hit. I got a clip of him here.
14) Andrew Bernard (Ed Helms), The Office.
I think the Nard Dog is hysterical in The Office. I really like his pants, too. He wants to have a whole litter of nard pups. I got a clip of him here.
13) Chris Turk (Donald Faison), Scrubs.
In 2006-2007 while in college, I watched at least 4 episodes of Scrubs a day. I got a clip of him here.
12) Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation.
Seriously guys, watch this clip and then watch the show whenever the 3rd season premiere's. I can't believe NBC has held Parks and Rec back so they could make the shittastic Outsourced. I got a clip of him here.
11) Buster Bluth (Tony Hale), Arrested Development.
Arrested Development is probably my favorite comedy of all time. Let me think about it. Yup, it's my favorite of all time. I got a clip of him here.
10) Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper), Big Bang Theory.
I've kind of lost interest in this show as well, but Jim won an Emmy for his performance in this series, I believe. He's come a long way from the knight in Garden State. I got a clip of him here.
9) Cameron Tucker (Eric Stonestreet), Modern Family.
The funniest character in Modern Family. I can't decide if his mannerisms are exaggerated, or spot on. I got a clip of him here.
8) Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), 30 Rock.
I'm not exactly sure why I quit watching this show. I believe it premiered on NBC with The Office and Scrubs on Thursday night's. I remember thinking Alec was hilarious in the show, and I have plenty of friends still watching. I got a clip of him here.
7) Tobias Funke (David Cross), Arrested Development.
Nobody could have played this character the way David Cross did. This character was perfectly cast. I got a clip of him here.
6) Larry David (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Larry David is the biggest benefactor of the "Ray Barone Rule." I have only ever seen a few episodes of this show, but I know it's wildly successful among certain audiences and the show has at least 7 seasons, I believe. I got a clip of him here.
5) GOB Bluth (Will Arnett), Arrested Development.
My favorite character from Arrested Development. So many quiet, one-liners from him. Good thing I always watch DVD's with the CC enabled or I would never have caught it all. I got a clip of him here.
4) Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
When this program began in was an incredible show. The first season was 6 or 7 episodes long and they were all on the other side of the politically correct line. As the show progress, the male characters developed and turned into assholes, and so did Sweet D. Danny DeVito was also added to the cast. Charlie isn't my favorite character on the show, but if you were to only watch one episode, he'd be the guy you remember. I got a clip of him here.
3) Dave Chappelle (Dave Chappelle), Chappelle's Show.
I had to break the rules here. I remember watching this show my freshman year of college and it was so groundbreaking. I had never seen anything like it, and it also made everyone laugh so hard. I got a clip of him here.
2) John "J.D." Dorian (Zach Braff), Scrubs.
I couldn't find a clip to do J.D. justice, but I tried. I really do think over the course of his time on Scrubs he played his character brilliantly. Another character who was unique, with quirks and idiosyncrasies which made him so fun to watch. I got a clip of him here.
I've heard Steve Carell regarded as the nicest guy in hollywood. Well, he's really good at his job, too. I've watched episodes of The Office with the director commentary, and they say they have to cut out about 30 minutes of Steve Carell improv all the time. I think Michael Scott is my favorite character of all time, which is strange because he breaks my personal rule of plausibility. I've stopped watching entire genres of movies (horror) because they tend to be so far-fetched, and Michael Scott being in charge of an office is just that, but I love him anyways. I got a clip of him here.
There was a specific show that did not benefit from the "Ray Barone Rule." Can you guess it? It's Two and a Half Men. Can someone explain to me why that show is funny? I guess this is an example of, "you like what you like," and there's nothing wrong with that.
I hope you've enjoyed the list. I know I had fun searching Youtube for the appropriate videos. There are a handful of characters who didn't meet my criteria, but I thought I'd give them a quick honorable mention. One criteria I used was I wanted the characters to be from shows that had run at least 20 episodes, so a few were disqualified due to that. I expect to see some of these guys on my list in 5 years.
Stevie Janowski and Kenny Powers from East Bound and Down. I believe there have only been 13 episodes of this series, but this is really groundbreaking stuff. I've never seen characters like either of these two on television before, and don't kid yourself, Stevie is the funniest character on that show. I don't know if there'll be a 3rd season, my hunch is that there won't since Danny McBride is in a lot of movies now, but who knows, HBO has deep pockets.
Sacha Baron Cohen for his work on Da Ali G show (12 episodes). I've never seen it, but the movies spawned from his television characters have been pretty funny.
Jonathan Ames (Jason Schwartzman), Ray (Zach Galifianakis) and George Christopher (Ted Danzen) from Bored to Death (<20>
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
World Series: Pros(e) and Cons
The World Series begins tonight and very excited for it. Remember getting your license, or turning 21, or other cool things that made you excited? That’s how I feel: excited. However, everything about the World Series isn’t great, so I’ve made a list of some of the most important pros and cons revolving around the Fall Classic. Pro/Con always works.
PROS
1) Atmosphere è San Francisco and Arlington
I honestly believe these two cities had the best crowds out of all the teams that made the postseason. Crowd involvement might be my favorite thing about the playoffs.
2) Big Stage è Immortality
This is the most prestigious setting you’ll find anywhere in baseball. This gives players the opportunity to do amazing (terrible) things that absolutely take our breath away and sew their image into our brains forever. It can be just about anybody. Does Vlad have one huge series left in him? Pat Burrel (okay, I just made myself laugh)? Will a new star most people haven’t heard of emerge (Elvis Andrus)? Will it be one of the usual suspects (Josh Hamilton, Cliff Lee, Cody Ross, Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain)?
3) Second-Guessing every managerial decision (With Keith Law on Twitter)
Since is the biggest stage anywhere in baseball, every play, every decision becomes magnified and scrutinized. The commentator’s tend to weigh in and so does Keith Law, snarkily belittling every manager. It’s just fun.
4) Watching Grown Men Realize Their Dream (and hopefully cry)
This probably is actually my favorite part of postseason baseball. If you watch enough regular season baseball, you’ll notice players trying to get through the grind, robotically going through the motions of the seasonal day-to-day. We won’t see this in the World Series. Players care about this. A lot of these guys having been dreaming about the World Series since they were, I don’t know, 8? To see a 30-year-old dude win one and become emotional, well, it gives me chill bumps. Remember, we’re talking about dudes here, not girls who tend to cry over just about anything. “It’s one of the many defects of their kind, also, weak arms” (Dwight K. Schrute).
No, no, when you see a dude cry, you know something horrible, or something incredible has happened. It’s special.
5) It’s fucking awesome
1) Things
If you dislike fucking awesome things, you’re going to fucking hate the World Series.
2) ED Ads
I considered filing this under the “pro” column because ED ads have been known to make me giggle. Especially the one where the guy sees his reflection and the reflection asks him, “Well, are you gonna ask him?” Then the actual guy says, “Ask him about what?” Then the reflection says, “About our erectile dysfunction.”
I really thought that commercial was hilarious because it made me wonder what would happen the next time I knew my Dad was visiting the doctor, if I asked my Dad if he was going to ask his Doctor about our erectile dysfunction. He wouldn’t think it was funny, and I’d feel really uncomfortable after he didn’t laugh. That’s probably what would happen.
Sometimes I wonder why there are never any commercials for dental dams.
3) Game Length
This is really the worst part about postseason baseball. Since every decision becomes magnified, managers generally take more time with their decisions, and are more apt to making pitching changes. I bet this World Series will average about 3:20 per game during yes, I’m about to say it, the year of the pitcher.
4) Immediately Knowing A Horrible Call Has Been Made But Not Having The Ability To Change It
I heard Keith Law make the case for, steroids being worse for baseball than not having the use of instant replay. I think he’s right. At least so many people were using steroids that it was almost fair. Sure, many important records are now tarnished, but as steroids happened somewhat evenly throughout the game, bad calls do not happen evenly in the World Series and losing a game this important on a horseshit call is inexcusable. I hate seeing an instant replay 4 seconds after the play is finished showing a bad call was made. The amount games will be prolonged due to introduction of instant replay will be a smaller factor than the tragedy of a ruined World Series. The MLB should replay World Cup games prior to the World Series so the MLB lack of replay won’t look as terrible due to comparison.
5) World Series Means Baseball Season Is Finished
REDS!
It wouldn’t seem right if I didn’t take a little time to pick a World Series winner. I’ll take VERY little time, since it begins in two hours.
I give a slight pitching edge to the Giants because of their one-two and Brian Wilson’s beard. I know, I know, what about Cliff Lee? If Cliff has two World Series Games where he goes 8+IP, 2H, 0R, 11K, 0BB he will enter a strange realm. The realm I’m referring to is the “Obnoxious movie script” realm. Seriously, if Cliff Lee dominates this World Series and then there is a movie made where the main character is a Big League Pitcher who runs through two straight postseasons like Cliff Lee, it will seem too unrealistic to be believable/a good movie. Basically, I’m trying to say that some force has to make Cliff hittable in this World Series. It seems illogical for him to continue the way he has.
I give the Rangers a big edge in hitting, but in a 7 game series, how can you really know? You can’t, that’s why they play the games. I can’t believe I just said that shit.
If you’re keeping score, I just said the Giants have better pitching and the Rangers have better hitting, so who’ll win the Fall Classic? Well, I thought the Yankees and Phils had better teams that the Rangers and Giants respectively, so I’m picking the Giants to win this, if you know what I mean.
I hope the Rangers win though, so I can see Josh Hamilton cry when he’s asked to explain his journey from the Natural, to the addict, to World Series Champion. By the way, Josh’s life story would make the most ridiculously obnoxious, impossible movie script of all. God, I love sports.
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