Reviewing a book. Because what's even more boring than actually reading a book? Reading about someone else who's talking about reading a book.

Several years ago I wrote a blog where I pointed out what everyone was thinking: I am the unofficial blog champion of anyone who has ever attended The Ohio State University. By that point, I had amassed, what seems to be a laughable total now, of 1500 hits but to someone who isn’t effortlessly unbelievable at absolutely everything, it would have been quite an accomplishment. Obviously, I couldn’t have cared less. Now, you may remember back then, there was a real nice up-and-comer in the blogging game by the name of Mark Titus. He was on the OSU basketball team and I guess a few people enjoyed his work. Was he anywhere near my level? Haha, hilarious question, me. But he was trying, and it was adorable nonetheless.

Clearly (I hope), I’m joshing. Basically, a couple years ago, I would mention Mark Titus in my blog and tweet it to him and see if he would acknowledge it. I know it was pathetic then. Well, guess what, it’s still pathetic now and I’m doing it again! A couple things I know about myself is that when I become famous I’m going to be one of the most vain muhfuckaz on the planet and that I will read everything anybody will ever write about me just as an extension of the first part. Since I reasonably assume every human being is exactly like me, that means Mark Titus has read my blog on several occasions. And that feels good.

The real reason I brought you here today is so I could type about a wonderfully hilarious and unique book. Don't Put Me In, Coach by Mark Titus is a swell read. Yes, I want to plug the book from my old foe, in an attempt to ‘bury the hatchet’. And, Mark, if I ever run into you at the bar, I will gladly buy you ‘four boilermakers’. As I have not previously mentioned, I recently reached the 5100 hit mark, so based on that kind of traffic, I’m guessing I just sold you at least 0-2 extra copies. Please, don’t worry about it. It’s not that big a deal. I’m happy to do it. On a side note: you really don't make that much money on advertising if you get 5100 hits in four years. Weird, I know.

Titus has no regard for his own privacy (as well as others) and makes the fear of embarrassing himself his bitch. He has the stones to broach any topic in this tell-all. He breezes through ever-polarizing subjects such as diarrhea, forced voyeurism with respect to sodomy and Richard Simmons's Vagina. He's able to do this with such eloquence, such grace, that one can't be sure he isn't describing the Westminster Dog Show or a high class Garden Party. (Is there another kind of garden party?) I really like the structure of this book. It is 257 pages and its font isn't challenging. It's designed perfectly for the average person who doesn't read a ton, but decided to give this book a whirl because it promises to generate insightful and hilarious stories. It does. Chapter length probably averages around six pages, which also helps novice readers like you and I plough through. "Meh, I think I'll quit reading right here tonight. Well, the next chapter is only three pages..." Thirty minutes later you've ready about thirty more pages. Personally, I read 10 pages the night I bought the book and finished it in two sittings the following two days. Really easy to get through. I don't want to give too much of it away, but I will say that it is about exactly what you'd expect if you've read his blogs. It's hilarious. I do believe the book is more vulgar, which I would have encouraged if I had been consulted but, alas, I wasn’t. Also, I found the stories of Thad Matta and some of his teammates I remember watching particularly enjoyable. Personally, as a Buckeye fan, the insight one gains about Thad Matta is worth the purchase price of the book by itself. You understand why he’s such a good recruiter, because he sounds like a dude you’d like to hang out with. Uhhh, again, it's really funny. Umm, how do you end something like this?

Basically, if you’ve had the inkling to read the book but you're not sure you wanna pony up the dough, just fucking do it.

Last week Mark wrote an awesome piece on Greg Oden. If you're a ding dong and aren't going to buy his book, at least read this.

Da (Bears) Draft!

So, according to my blog (this very, exceptionally entertaining website), I haven't posted an entry since April 5th. Where do I get off? Who do I think I am, tOSU's very own Mark Titus? What? I can just go away for weeks at a time and leave my legions of fans alone in the dark, curled up in the fetal position, telling themselves every thing's gonna be all right, while I laugh all day long and come up with ideas for sweet new food inventions (General Tso's flavored ice cream)!!?? Hell no, I can't do that. I wouldn't even want to do that to my precious Hambino Hounds, so even though it is currently 1:48am, it's time for me to right this ship.

Last a couple days ago (that is a real measurement of time), the NFL Draft happened. It happened. The much-hyped event was moved to Thursday, Friday and Saturday for the first time ever. For the record, I was totally against this change (it used to be a Saturday/Sunday event) but I accepted it because, the times they are a changin'. The draft is billed as this huge event and if your favorite team doesn't draft the right player, I think you're supposed to jump in front of a train or something. The draft isn't completely overhyped, however, a team can really propel itself into contention with a great pick, or ruin itself with a bad pick, see JaMarcus Russell. I'm not sure if that M in JaMarcus is capitol or not, I think it looks cool though. HaM SchMitMeyer. Anyways, I mostly tend to think the draft is overrated because you really don't know if your team had a good draft until about 3 years later, and for my favorite team, the Browns, it's rarely worth the wait. So what does the draft mean? I don't know.

I can tell you what it used to mean.

It used to mean that I would be attending some kind of party in the afternoon with a bunch of dudes who really like the NFL. It used to mean that my friends and I would be able to enjoy a responsible amount (of course) of adult beverages, since it was a Saturday, and celebrate every amazing pick the Browns had made (we got Brady Quinn like, 27th overall, can you believe it??!!!!). It also meant that we would rename our beverages in honor of our favorite pick and order them by their new name when we eventually hit the bars. It took a while, but the drink slingers eventually learned what a Joe Thomas was. It used to mean that I would assume the greatest alias ever created, "Magnus Samuelsson" for an annual cornhole tournament, in which I was always quickly ousted. It also used to mean that my friend "Rocketship Ron" would perform some of his brilliant, completely original animal sounds, with the highlight always being the legendary, "hedgehog." It gives me chill bumps just to think about it.

This year was a little different. Without the compliment of steady drinking, I made a "sobering" (uh oh, nailed it!!) realization; the draft is really boring. The most exciting part of the draft this year was seeing Tim "Citizen Snips" Tebow get drafted by the Broncos (Maurice Clarett will be released from the clink soon, BTW) in the first round. It was utterly shocking for me to see Tim Tebow go when he did because Tony Robbins was still on the board. I had Tony rated as my number 1 motivational speaker and Tebow #2, followed by this guy at number #3. Much to my surprise, Tony Robbins didn't even get drafted.

I think the second most surprising thing in this draft was Mel's hair. Mel Kiper Jr. is all about preparing for the future. He is going to be the first person to ever lose their hair, purchase a toupee and have it actually look more attractive than his natural hair. What is he trying to do with that look? It's so bad I can't even figure out how to make fun of it properly. It looks like it smells bad; that's all I got..

Man, I usually think of myself as a nice guy but here I am, making fun of Tim Tebow for being a man of faith and torching Mel Kiper Jr. for having hair that looks similar to an upside down bowl that Ace Ventura ate out of which was made of bat dung.

Well, I was sort of planning on actually talking about some of the picks made in the draft but I want to keep this concise so you'll have time to do other things like, read Bill Simmons' and Mark Titus' blogs, which are literary marathons, and also wildly entertaining. I think that may have to wait for a later date. It may be the same date, just a later time I guess, but what am I psychic? No I'm not psychic, I'm just a regular guy who likes to drink Joe Thomas's and dream of a world where I can eat General Tso's and ice cream on one plate. It is now 2:48, which means I've been working on this for one hour. I better get to bed, Charmed starts in 5 hours and 12 minutes. GET SPELLBOUND!