HOT HOT HOT

I'm not good at apology's, so if it's all the same to you, I'd like to just skip it. Yes, this is where one would usually find my customary, "Apology Paragraph," for not posting anything to help temper the Hounds' insatiable thirst, but I'm not doing that. Anyway, I'm sorry. It's damn good to be back (large portions of this paragraph were taken from a conversation in, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, probably my favorite movie of all time).

It's been so hot, I can't do anything. If you're not from Ohio, you've probably heard of it a few times (a lot recently, because of the LeBron fiasco), because it has a few medium-sized cities, but you probably don't know much else about it. Ohio is in the eastern time zone. Something I feel like I wouldn't know if I weren't from Ohio. The other thing you probably wouldn't know, is how dreadfully humid it can be in the summer. This summer has been dreadful. Anyone remember about 3 years ago when it only went over 90 degrees once the entire summer, and it wasn't humid? That was awesome, and a complete 180 from this summer.

I've been relegated to sitting indoors, in the air conditioning. The latest thing I've gotten into is listening to Podcasts. How lame is that? I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's been so miserable and boring, I've listened to Bill Simmons Podcasts where he and a guest talk about Jersey Shore for a solid 40 minutes. He's done this on two different podcasts, and I sit and listen to it like an idiot. The worst part is, I've never even seen Jersey Shore, but I'm so bored that I listen to "The Sports Guy," analyze it for 80 minutes. In case you're wondering, I don't have a girlfriend.

I've basically become one of Bill Simmons' minions. Anything he talks about, or suggests, I dive right into, except Jersey Shore. I can't watch Jersey Shore because I don't like watching morons do moronic things. But I love listening to Bill. I even suggested he do a "Joe Pod" competition to get a regular person guest starring on the Pod. I'm just trying to get myself on the podcast. The way he emits his hard consonants is very pleasing, for some reason. He also does the typical, "mmm" sound when he's listening to someone else talk. I don't mean "mmm" like "this is really yummy, mmm." It's a shorter, grunting sound someone makes when another person produces an interesting point. Bill talks about Mad Men frequently, so of course, I started watching it. The first three episodes were painfully boring, and I literally fell asleep during all three. Since I'm a loser, this wasn't enough to completely turn me off of the show, so now, I'm through 5 episodes and it's picked up quite a bit. Mad Men has the best opening credits I've ever seen. I don't know why, but I love that opening sequence. Thanks to my man-crush on Bill Simmons and thanks to Mad Men, I've also recently developed my latest heterosexual crush on January Jones. Oh my.

Anyway

Maybe it's because every day I step outside at about 8:30 am, I immediately am covered in some kind of gooey sludge, commonly referred to as sweat. Maybe it's because playing softball, something I am typically thrilled to do, has seemed like a chore all summer. It might even have something to do with my strong opposition and hate for swass, but I'm ready for this summer to be over. I need some cooler temps, and less-liquid air.

Yeah I know, summer is supposed to be great, but it's just not my bag, okay? I do not possess anything close to physical supremacy (yet) and I forget everything I learned in those swimming lessons I endured 20 years ago. Because of these factors, I cannot swim to cool off, from fear of ridicule and death. I can't even fill the tub up too high if I decide to take a bath. What does this mean? Well, to be honest, after rereading these paragraphs, probably nothing. Basically, I'm just trying to hang on until fall; the greatest time of year.

If you think about it, and more importantly, if I think about it, this fall is shaping up to be about as good as I could have possibly hoped. What might bring on this childlike exuberance you're probably wondering. Sports, duh! First things first, the NFL is poised to commence in a few weeks. Although I'm not as passionate about my favorite NFL team (Browns) as I am in other sports, the NFL is the greatest sport to watch in its totality. Secondly, tOSU Buckeyes are just about the consensus #2 preseason team in the country. Actually, most sites have the Buckeyes as an odds-on favorite to win the national championship this season. I know it's early; nobody's played a game yet, but it's still cool to hear that. Terrelle Pryor is really poised to have a huge year. He's struggled (mightily) at times, but if one looked at Vince Young's career arc, it really turned around for him his third college season, and Terrelle plays a similar style game. Tressel recently said that his only worry about Pryor is that he may be working too hard in the offseason. Certainly, a very senatorial comment that we've come to expect from JT, but once again, it is something I like to hear. Also, it appears that Terrelle's acne is clearing up, which I'm sure he's excited about. I'm glad Terrelle has won his fight with "pizza face" and I'm sure he's happy to have that bout behind him. The only reason I feel I can make these comments is because I've struggled similarly with acne. For the record, I'm also entitled to be critical of German's because of my Germanity, which is a cool word I just made up. I felt kind of strange watching Inglorious Basterds, rooting for the Jews and Brad Pitt to kill all those German's, but fuck it, those krauts deserved it.

Speaking of kraut... The first full weekend in October is also designated for Oktoberfest in lovely Minster, Ohio. So much to look forward to. Here's an abbreviated list of the festivities... Half-gallon jugs of beer in everyones hand. Polka. Chuck-a-luck. Drunk Ronald getting talked into doing the "hedgehog" (this is probably wishful thinking, the hedgehog has been on the shelf for a few years). All kinds of gourmet sausages, as well as any other awesome, German foods. Arts and crafts. Grown, fat men in Lederhosen. Browns vs Bengals. Beer tray relay. Obvious underage kids drinking. Cops obviously looking the other way. Vomit.

I don't know the exact date when the calendar says it's officially fall, but to me, fall starts around the middle of September. This is when the MLB regular season will be winding down, and the playoffs will be looming on the brink. For the first time since 1999, the Reds are in the playoff hunt this late in the season. Yes, I know, baseball is boring to watch and even worse to read about, so I'll keep this portion short. I just need you all to know, that the playoffs are a big part of my life and should the Reds merit one of the 4 national league spots; I'll gladly forego day drinking Buckeye football games so I'm lucid for the Saturday night playoff game. Think about that! How many things are so important to you, that you would make a conscious decision to not drink during the day of a Buckeye football game? Sorry 20 year old ham, you will not be partaking in the 8:00am ritual beer-bong with J Spill.

I am yearning for cooler temperatures and thinner air. Put me in a hoodie and jeans; give me the Buckeyes, hopefully the Reds, the NFL, copious amounts of beer, Oktoberfest and more beer, then I'll be happy.

Da (Bears) Draft!

So, according to my blog (this very, exceptionally entertaining website), I haven't posted an entry since April 5th. Where do I get off? Who do I think I am, tOSU's very own Mark Titus? What? I can just go away for weeks at a time and leave my legions of fans alone in the dark, curled up in the fetal position, telling themselves every thing's gonna be all right, while I laugh all day long and come up with ideas for sweet new food inventions (General Tso's flavored ice cream)!!?? Hell no, I can't do that. I wouldn't even want to do that to my precious Hambino Hounds, so even though it is currently 1:48am, it's time for me to right this ship.

Last a couple days ago (that is a real measurement of time), the NFL Draft happened. It happened. The much-hyped event was moved to Thursday, Friday and Saturday for the first time ever. For the record, I was totally against this change (it used to be a Saturday/Sunday event) but I accepted it because, the times they are a changin'. The draft is billed as this huge event and if your favorite team doesn't draft the right player, I think you're supposed to jump in front of a train or something. The draft isn't completely overhyped, however, a team can really propel itself into contention with a great pick, or ruin itself with a bad pick, see JaMarcus Russell. I'm not sure if that M in JaMarcus is capitol or not, I think it looks cool though. HaM SchMitMeyer. Anyways, I mostly tend to think the draft is overrated because you really don't know if your team had a good draft until about 3 years later, and for my favorite team, the Browns, it's rarely worth the wait. So what does the draft mean? I don't know.

I can tell you what it used to mean.

It used to mean that I would be attending some kind of party in the afternoon with a bunch of dudes who really like the NFL. It used to mean that my friends and I would be able to enjoy a responsible amount (of course) of adult beverages, since it was a Saturday, and celebrate every amazing pick the Browns had made (we got Brady Quinn like, 27th overall, can you believe it??!!!!). It also meant that we would rename our beverages in honor of our favorite pick and order them by their new name when we eventually hit the bars. It took a while, but the drink slingers eventually learned what a Joe Thomas was. It used to mean that I would assume the greatest alias ever created, "Magnus Samuelsson" for an annual cornhole tournament, in which I was always quickly ousted. It also used to mean that my friend "Rocketship Ron" would perform some of his brilliant, completely original animal sounds, with the highlight always being the legendary, "hedgehog." It gives me chill bumps just to think about it.

This year was a little different. Without the compliment of steady drinking, I made a "sobering" (uh oh, nailed it!!) realization; the draft is really boring. The most exciting part of the draft this year was seeing Tim "Citizen Snips" Tebow get drafted by the Broncos (Maurice Clarett will be released from the clink soon, BTW) in the first round. It was utterly shocking for me to see Tim Tebow go when he did because Tony Robbins was still on the board. I had Tony rated as my number 1 motivational speaker and Tebow #2, followed by this guy at number #3. Much to my surprise, Tony Robbins didn't even get drafted.

I think the second most surprising thing in this draft was Mel's hair. Mel Kiper Jr. is all about preparing for the future. He is going to be the first person to ever lose their hair, purchase a toupee and have it actually look more attractive than his natural hair. What is he trying to do with that look? It's so bad I can't even figure out how to make fun of it properly. It looks like it smells bad; that's all I got..

Man, I usually think of myself as a nice guy but here I am, making fun of Tim Tebow for being a man of faith and torching Mel Kiper Jr. for having hair that looks similar to an upside down bowl that Ace Ventura ate out of which was made of bat dung.

Well, I was sort of planning on actually talking about some of the picks made in the draft but I want to keep this concise so you'll have time to do other things like, read Bill Simmons' and Mark Titus' blogs, which are literary marathons, and also wildly entertaining. I think that may have to wait for a later date. It may be the same date, just a later time I guess, but what am I psychic? No I'm not psychic, I'm just a regular guy who likes to drink Joe Thomas's and dream of a world where I can eat General Tso's and ice cream on one plate. It is now 2:48, which means I've been working on this for one hour. I better get to bed, Charmed starts in 5 hours and 12 minutes. GET SPELLBOUND!