Reviewing a book. Because what's even more boring than actually reading a book? Reading about someone else who's talking about reading a book.

Several years ago I wrote a blog where I pointed out what everyone was thinking: I am the unofficial blog champion of anyone who has ever attended The Ohio State University. By that point, I had amassed, what seems to be a laughable total now, of 1500 hits but to someone who isn’t effortlessly unbelievable at absolutely everything, it would have been quite an accomplishment. Obviously, I couldn’t have cared less. Now, you may remember back then, there was a real nice up-and-comer in the blogging game by the name of Mark Titus. He was on the OSU basketball team and I guess a few people enjoyed his work. Was he anywhere near my level? Haha, hilarious question, me. But he was trying, and it was adorable nonetheless.

Clearly (I hope), I’m joshing. Basically, a couple years ago, I would mention Mark Titus in my blog and tweet it to him and see if he would acknowledge it. I know it was pathetic then. Well, guess what, it’s still pathetic now and I’m doing it again! A couple things I know about myself is that when I become famous I’m going to be one of the most vain muhfuckaz on the planet and that I will read everything anybody will ever write about me just as an extension of the first part. Since I reasonably assume every human being is exactly like me, that means Mark Titus has read my blog on several occasions. And that feels good.

The real reason I brought you here today is so I could type about a wonderfully hilarious and unique book. Don't Put Me In, Coach by Mark Titus is a swell read. Yes, I want to plug the book from my old foe, in an attempt to ‘bury the hatchet’. And, Mark, if I ever run into you at the bar, I will gladly buy you ‘four boilermakers’. As I have not previously mentioned, I recently reached the 5100 hit mark, so based on that kind of traffic, I’m guessing I just sold you at least 0-2 extra copies. Please, don’t worry about it. It’s not that big a deal. I’m happy to do it. On a side note: you really don't make that much money on advertising if you get 5100 hits in four years. Weird, I know.

Titus has no regard for his own privacy (as well as others) and makes the fear of embarrassing himself his bitch. He has the stones to broach any topic in this tell-all. He breezes through ever-polarizing subjects such as diarrhea, forced voyeurism with respect to sodomy and Richard Simmons's Vagina. He's able to do this with such eloquence, such grace, that one can't be sure he isn't describing the Westminster Dog Show or a high class Garden Party. (Is there another kind of garden party?) I really like the structure of this book. It is 257 pages and its font isn't challenging. It's designed perfectly for the average person who doesn't read a ton, but decided to give this book a whirl because it promises to generate insightful and hilarious stories. It does. Chapter length probably averages around six pages, which also helps novice readers like you and I plough through. "Meh, I think I'll quit reading right here tonight. Well, the next chapter is only three pages..." Thirty minutes later you've ready about thirty more pages. Personally, I read 10 pages the night I bought the book and finished it in two sittings the following two days. Really easy to get through. I don't want to give too much of it away, but I will say that it is about exactly what you'd expect if you've read his blogs. It's hilarious. I do believe the book is more vulgar, which I would have encouraged if I had been consulted but, alas, I wasn’t. Also, I found the stories of Thad Matta and some of his teammates I remember watching particularly enjoyable. Personally, as a Buckeye fan, the insight one gains about Thad Matta is worth the purchase price of the book by itself. You understand why he’s such a good recruiter, because he sounds like a dude you’d like to hang out with. Uhhh, again, it's really funny. Umm, how do you end something like this?

Basically, if you’ve had the inkling to read the book but you're not sure you wanna pony up the dough, just fucking do it.

Last week Mark wrote an awesome piece on Greg Oden. If you're a ding dong and aren't going to buy his book, at least read this.

Mrs. Thomas, Technology and Sports

I think we're all very fortunate to be living in the time in which we currently find ourselves. The reason I feel this way is because of all the fascinating technology that we will see in our lifetimes. Surely, this can be said about any generation because technology very rarely digresses and the rate at which new stuff comes out continues to increase. So, little bitty babies being born right now, 24 years after me will, no doubt, see a lot cooler things than I ever will, but I do think that we generation y'ers have had a unique view of major technological change. The entire computerization of America has been an incredible event to witness; an utterly world changing series of events that we were all here for. Cell Phones. Smart Cars. Television Quality. Dippin' Dots.

Even with this recent bombardment of amazing toys for us to tinker with as adults, I can't help but feel that we're on the fringe of something that's even greater. We're already on the quest for whatever may be next. I don't think anything as revolutionary as the computer is coming soon, but I also wouldn't rule it out either. I mean, I'm not prepared to say that teleportation isn't possible. It could be developed in a decade or so. Can you imagine working in Alaska and living in Columbus? This could become a reality with a teleporter.

Someone is also probably working on the flying car, which would definitely change the world. I think the flying car could be coming soon, airplanes were invented so long ago, don't they just have to make them smaller now? I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

Let me take you through my life and document the changes in technology I've seen. I promise, I will talk about sports, but not until later, so keep reading ladies.

When I was very young, I remember playing with red and green toy farm machinery, I think the same crap that either my mom or dad (not sure which family these toys came from) grew up fooling around with. Really, pretty mundane toys. I then remember getting an etch a sketch, a remarkably advanced toy compared to my miniature, red tractor. Later, I received the holy grail of toys, the Lite Bright. Playing with this toy not only taught me how to endure grand mal seizures, it also made me realize that I was about to see some wild shit, technologically, when I grew up and 7 year old ham was right, per usual. Overall, I probably didn't have a very eclectic experience in my youth, toywise.

I was also around for the video game explosion. I very vaguely remember having an atari at home, and although I know there were gaming systems prior to the atari, I still feel like it was the first relevant gaming system. I also feel like the joysticks probably helped a lot of younger boys accidentally discover masturbation. I remember getting a nintendo on christmas one year, JACKPOT. It still has some of the most entertaining games I've ever played on any system (Bases Loaded 4, I'm unstoppable with Hawaii). I never had an SNES but I was able to get a Sega, which was pretty good, but I preferred the Nintendo. Then there were weird things like Sega Saturn but later Nintendo 64 and Playstation were released. I was given a Nintendo 64 one year for christmas as well, but my desire to play video games basically died out shortly thereafter. I have played about every gaming system though, with HALO being the only game which I occasionally get the itch to play.

I also remember the advancement of computers. I remember going to first grade, and I can visualize my 1st grade room but I can't place if there was a computer in it. I'm pretty confident that it didn't have a computer at that point. This is what I can remember from first grade. I remember my teacher Mrs. Thomas, saying that her husband, Bill (whom I've never met), birthday was October 25th, which I remember because that is my birthday. I remember one day when Stephanie asked me, "what color goes good with yellow?" To which I replied, "I'm not sure. I should know this, though, my mom sells Mary Kay." Flawless logic. I also remember dropping my lunch ticket in the toilet. One thing I do not remember from first grade, that my mom told me about when I was in fourth grade was making fun of a kid for not being able to read. My mom said that Mrs. Thomas had told her at a PTA meeting that while a classmate was reading aloud, and stumbling on the words, I said something like, "can you hurry up already?" out loud. As I previously stated, I don't remember this incident and I think Mrs. Thomas probably confused me with the class bully that particular night. Anyway, I guess the whole situation apparently went down like this.

Skip ahead two years to third grade and I know for sure, at this point every classroom in the school had a computer. This is probably when I began to beg my parents for a computer. It was a difficult process for me too, because all I really wanted a computer at home for was to play minesweeper. I had a rough time explaining why this would be useful in our home at the tender age of 9. Eventually dad caved, and we purchased our first ever computer. I quickly began a quest to set records for every level of minesweeper. Unfortunately, and I probably could have mentioned this earlier, I didn't even know the object of minesweeper. I just liked clicking until it made me start over.

Skip ahead another year and I sat in a computer lab for computer class. The towers on these computers had something extra, I was told it was called CD-Rom. This CD-Rom enabled us to play sweet games like, "Sell Lemonade" and "Oregon Trail." Naturally, I went home and started my campaign for CD-Rom. Like clockwork, mom and pop caved and I found myself sabotaging my own family on Oregon Trail so I could put things on the tombstone like, "Here Lies 'Fart'," or "Here Lies 'a studmonkey' (an incredibly popular phrase in my youth)".

Next came the internet, which changed the entire world, obviously. After the changing of the entire world, my parents got the internet as well and I started my new life as a music pirate. Then cell phones were popularized and I received my first one on Christmas during my junior year of high school. It was awesome; it had a calculator and could place phone calls. This technology baffled me for a period of time. I remember wondering how exactly my cell phone worked, I probably still don't know for sure, but I've quit thinking about it. Anyway, I remember coming home one weekend night and the power was out at my parents house. I took out my beloved cell phone and opened it up, I remember thinking, "the power is out but my cell still works." I was completely dumbfounded and perhaps not coincidentally, I was also drunk as shit.

Once the internet blew up, sports coverage began to prevail everywhere, making every sport accessible to nearly all willing consumers. I have absolutely no reason to like hockey as much as I do, but someone like me, who is so enveloped in other sports, eventually just can't stay away from it. Now, it is my favorite sport to watch in person and my second favorite sport overall. I only have the proliferation of the internet, television broadcasting and the laziness of myself to thank for finding this new sport I so enjoy.

I think since the time I received my first cell phone in December 2003, there hasn't been a great deal of brand new technologies developed that have quite affected our lives as much. Sure, computers and cellphones have gotten exponentially better, but I think we're due for something earth shattering to come out. I was pondering this possibility during my last Minster to Columbus drive and it was weird, I got really excited. I really believe we are going to see some wild, wacky innovations in the near future.

One idea that my brain eventually locked in on was 3D television. I know, it already exists, but I began to think about my first experience with it. I saw Avatar in 3D at the imax in Columbus, and although I hated the movie, it was visually incredible. I fast-forwarded my thinking to about ten years from now. I'm predicting that 3D televisions will be standard in households with everything on television being broadcast in 3D. At this point I basically began to flip out just thinking about how amazing that will make sports-watching. I thought about baseball, having a camera right behind the umpire in 3D, the pitch will be coming right at us and seeing it fly away after the batter makes his connection. Even cooler will be foul tips that seemingly, barrel right back towards us. I then thought about its impact on the NHL; already the most visually stimulating game to watch in HD. White ice, blue and red lines, colorful jerseys (sweaters) and people skating all over the place. A 3D camera on the net, having pucks fly directly at us, only to be snatched by the goalies arm that swings out from right in front of us. It's going to be absolutely breathtaking.

So that's basically it.

I've been thinking about this blog quite frequently over the past few weeks. I usually don't take the time to post on it and when I do, it's really only for about a handful of readers. While I really, really appreciate the following I do get, I think there is something I need to change. I like to write about sports but so do about 100,000,000 other people and I'm far from the best at it. I've really only told about 4 people that I've started to write a novel and I'm sure half of the 6 people who started reading this have stopped by now. So about 7 people know now. Keep it quiet. My novel is about 40% autobiographical and while writing it, I've reminisced about so many weird times in my life. Times which aren't necessarily shocking or amazing but have left vivid images in my brain (see the "what color goes with yellow" story above). I'm trying to find my niche on this blog. While I will never be the best sports writer, I am most definitely the best writer of my life. So this post will usher in a series of posts, which I'll refer to as the "Vivid Images Series," which will incorporate a specific memory of my life into whatever topic I choose to write about.

Ok, I think I'm done here, sorry about the length.

Never had to apologize for that before (ZING!)

Da (Bears) Draft!

So, according to my blog (this very, exceptionally entertaining website), I haven't posted an entry since April 5th. Where do I get off? Who do I think I am, tOSU's very own Mark Titus? What? I can just go away for weeks at a time and leave my legions of fans alone in the dark, curled up in the fetal position, telling themselves every thing's gonna be all right, while I laugh all day long and come up with ideas for sweet new food inventions (General Tso's flavored ice cream)!!?? Hell no, I can't do that. I wouldn't even want to do that to my precious Hambino Hounds, so even though it is currently 1:48am, it's time for me to right this ship.

Last a couple days ago (that is a real measurement of time), the NFL Draft happened. It happened. The much-hyped event was moved to Thursday, Friday and Saturday for the first time ever. For the record, I was totally against this change (it used to be a Saturday/Sunday event) but I accepted it because, the times they are a changin'. The draft is billed as this huge event and if your favorite team doesn't draft the right player, I think you're supposed to jump in front of a train or something. The draft isn't completely overhyped, however, a team can really propel itself into contention with a great pick, or ruin itself with a bad pick, see JaMarcus Russell. I'm not sure if that M in JaMarcus is capitol or not, I think it looks cool though. HaM SchMitMeyer. Anyways, I mostly tend to think the draft is overrated because you really don't know if your team had a good draft until about 3 years later, and for my favorite team, the Browns, it's rarely worth the wait. So what does the draft mean? I don't know.

I can tell you what it used to mean.

It used to mean that I would be attending some kind of party in the afternoon with a bunch of dudes who really like the NFL. It used to mean that my friends and I would be able to enjoy a responsible amount (of course) of adult beverages, since it was a Saturday, and celebrate every amazing pick the Browns had made (we got Brady Quinn like, 27th overall, can you believe it??!!!!). It also meant that we would rename our beverages in honor of our favorite pick and order them by their new name when we eventually hit the bars. It took a while, but the drink slingers eventually learned what a Joe Thomas was. It used to mean that I would assume the greatest alias ever created, "Magnus Samuelsson" for an annual cornhole tournament, in which I was always quickly ousted. It also used to mean that my friend "Rocketship Ron" would perform some of his brilliant, completely original animal sounds, with the highlight always being the legendary, "hedgehog." It gives me chill bumps just to think about it.

This year was a little different. Without the compliment of steady drinking, I made a "sobering" (uh oh, nailed it!!) realization; the draft is really boring. The most exciting part of the draft this year was seeing Tim "Citizen Snips" Tebow get drafted by the Broncos (Maurice Clarett will be released from the clink soon, BTW) in the first round. It was utterly shocking for me to see Tim Tebow go when he did because Tony Robbins was still on the board. I had Tony rated as my number 1 motivational speaker and Tebow #2, followed by this guy at number #3. Much to my surprise, Tony Robbins didn't even get drafted.

I think the second most surprising thing in this draft was Mel's hair. Mel Kiper Jr. is all about preparing for the future. He is going to be the first person to ever lose their hair, purchase a toupee and have it actually look more attractive than his natural hair. What is he trying to do with that look? It's so bad I can't even figure out how to make fun of it properly. It looks like it smells bad; that's all I got..

Man, I usually think of myself as a nice guy but here I am, making fun of Tim Tebow for being a man of faith and torching Mel Kiper Jr. for having hair that looks similar to an upside down bowl that Ace Ventura ate out of which was made of bat dung.

Well, I was sort of planning on actually talking about some of the picks made in the draft but I want to keep this concise so you'll have time to do other things like, read Bill Simmons' and Mark Titus' blogs, which are literary marathons, and also wildly entertaining. I think that may have to wait for a later date. It may be the same date, just a later time I guess, but what am I psychic? No I'm not psychic, I'm just a regular guy who likes to drink Joe Thomas's and dream of a world where I can eat General Tso's and ice cream on one plate. It is now 2:48, which means I've been working on this for one hour. I better get to bed, Charmed starts in 5 hours and 12 minutes. GET SPELLBOUND!