Ham and Kurt talk about sports

HOT HOT HOT

I'm not good at apology's, so if it's all the same to you, I'd like to just skip it. Yes, this is where one would usually find my customary, "Apology Paragraph," for not posting anything to help temper the Hounds' insatiable thirst, but I'm not doing that. Anyway, I'm sorry. It's damn good to be back (large portions of this paragraph were taken from a conversation in, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, probably my favorite movie of all time).

It's been so hot, I can't do anything. If you're not from Ohio, you've probably heard of it a few times (a lot recently, because of the LeBron fiasco), because it has a few medium-sized cities, but you probably don't know much else about it. Ohio is in the eastern time zone. Something I feel like I wouldn't know if I weren't from Ohio. The other thing you probably wouldn't know, is how dreadfully humid it can be in the summer. This summer has been dreadful. Anyone remember about 3 years ago when it only went over 90 degrees once the entire summer, and it wasn't humid? That was awesome, and a complete 180 from this summer.

I've been relegated to sitting indoors, in the air conditioning. The latest thing I've gotten into is listening to Podcasts. How lame is that? I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's been so miserable and boring, I've listened to Bill Simmons Podcasts where he and a guest talk about Jersey Shore for a solid 40 minutes. He's done this on two different podcasts, and I sit and listen to it like an idiot. The worst part is, I've never even seen Jersey Shore, but I'm so bored that I listen to "The Sports Guy," analyze it for 80 minutes. In case you're wondering, I don't have a girlfriend.

I've basically become one of Bill Simmons' minions. Anything he talks about, or suggests, I dive right into, except Jersey Shore. I can't watch Jersey Shore because I don't like watching morons do moronic things. But I love listening to Bill. I even suggested he do a "Joe Pod" competition to get a regular person guest starring on the Pod. I'm just trying to get myself on the podcast. The way he emits his hard consonants is very pleasing, for some reason. He also does the typical, "mmm" sound when he's listening to someone else talk. I don't mean "mmm" like "this is really yummy, mmm." It's a shorter, grunting sound someone makes when another person produces an interesting point. Bill talks about Mad Men frequently, so of course, I started watching it. The first three episodes were painfully boring, and I literally fell asleep during all three. Since I'm a loser, this wasn't enough to completely turn me off of the show, so now, I'm through 5 episodes and it's picked up quite a bit. Mad Men has the best opening credits I've ever seen. I don't know why, but I love that opening sequence. Thanks to my man-crush on Bill Simmons and thanks to Mad Men, I've also recently developed my latest heterosexual crush on January Jones. Oh my.

Anyway

Maybe it's because every day I step outside at about 8:30 am, I immediately am covered in some kind of gooey sludge, commonly referred to as sweat. Maybe it's because playing softball, something I am typically thrilled to do, has seemed like a chore all summer. It might even have something to do with my strong opposition and hate for swass, but I'm ready for this summer to be over. I need some cooler temps, and less-liquid air.

Yeah I know, summer is supposed to be great, but it's just not my bag, okay? I do not possess anything close to physical supremacy (yet) and I forget everything I learned in those swimming lessons I endured 20 years ago. Because of these factors, I cannot swim to cool off, from fear of ridicule and death. I can't even fill the tub up too high if I decide to take a bath. What does this mean? Well, to be honest, after rereading these paragraphs, probably nothing. Basically, I'm just trying to hang on until fall; the greatest time of year.

If you think about it, and more importantly, if I think about it, this fall is shaping up to be about as good as I could have possibly hoped. What might bring on this childlike exuberance you're probably wondering. Sports, duh! First things first, the NFL is poised to commence in a few weeks. Although I'm not as passionate about my favorite NFL team (Browns) as I am in other sports, the NFL is the greatest sport to watch in its totality. Secondly, tOSU Buckeyes are just about the consensus #2 preseason team in the country. Actually, most sites have the Buckeyes as an odds-on favorite to win the national championship this season. I know it's early; nobody's played a game yet, but it's still cool to hear that. Terrelle Pryor is really poised to have a huge year. He's struggled (mightily) at times, but if one looked at Vince Young's career arc, it really turned around for him his third college season, and Terrelle plays a similar style game. Tressel recently said that his only worry about Pryor is that he may be working too hard in the offseason. Certainly, a very senatorial comment that we've come to expect from JT, but once again, it is something I like to hear. Also, it appears that Terrelle's acne is clearing up, which I'm sure he's excited about. I'm glad Terrelle has won his fight with "pizza face" and I'm sure he's happy to have that bout behind him. The only reason I feel I can make these comments is because I've struggled similarly with acne. For the record, I'm also entitled to be critical of German's because of my Germanity, which is a cool word I just made up. I felt kind of strange watching Inglorious Basterds, rooting for the Jews and Brad Pitt to kill all those German's, but fuck it, those krauts deserved it.

Speaking of kraut... The first full weekend in October is also designated for Oktoberfest in lovely Minster, Ohio. So much to look forward to. Here's an abbreviated list of the festivities... Half-gallon jugs of beer in everyones hand. Polka. Chuck-a-luck. Drunk Ronald getting talked into doing the "hedgehog" (this is probably wishful thinking, the hedgehog has been on the shelf for a few years). All kinds of gourmet sausages, as well as any other awesome, German foods. Arts and crafts. Grown, fat men in Lederhosen. Browns vs Bengals. Beer tray relay. Obvious underage kids drinking. Cops obviously looking the other way. Vomit.

I don't know the exact date when the calendar says it's officially fall, but to me, fall starts around the middle of September. This is when the MLB regular season will be winding down, and the playoffs will be looming on the brink. For the first time since 1999, the Reds are in the playoff hunt this late in the season. Yes, I know, baseball is boring to watch and even worse to read about, so I'll keep this portion short. I just need you all to know, that the playoffs are a big part of my life and should the Reds merit one of the 4 national league spots; I'll gladly forego day drinking Buckeye football games so I'm lucid for the Saturday night playoff game. Think about that! How many things are so important to you, that you would make a conscious decision to not drink during the day of a Buckeye football game? Sorry 20 year old ham, you will not be partaking in the 8:00am ritual beer-bong with J Spill.

I am yearning for cooler temperatures and thinner air. Put me in a hoodie and jeans; give me the Buckeyes, hopefully the Reds, the NFL, copious amounts of beer, Oktoberfest and more beer, then I'll be happy.

Is anyone getting excited for this world cup?

I think i was probably about 8 or 9 one summer, when my next-door neighbor and I were hanging out in a wooded area near our houses. We had recently built a horrible treehouse in the woods and had also recently decided that this was going to be our new, top secret place to do secret stuff, like heroin and crack. Okay, we were probably doing less heroin and crack and more hiding from my brother, who was supposed to be watching me. While my parents were at work, my brother was my supervision during the summer days. If I spent the entire day at the house with him, it was about a guarantee that he would at some point beat me up. Normally, I probably deserved it, but I hated it because when my parents returned home, if I told them Andy had beaten me up, I would get sent to my bedroom for tattling. To avoid this seemingly daily episode, I typically tried to hide somewhere within the neighborhood.

So, as "rooster" and I were chillin' in the woods, probably admiring our sweet treehouse that we were afraid to actually go in because it was too unstable, and doing whatever else 8 year olds do, we noticed that there were 3 traffic cones sprinkled about. I immediately thought that it would be awesome to steal these cones, but I couldn't construct an idea for what we might actually use them for. After mulling it over, rooster decided that we could use them to mark off soccer goals. It was a pretty strange idea because the two of us had only ever seen soccer on television, never played it in any kind of organization. I decided we would go with that plan though, because ultimately, I just wanted to carry the cones around. We carried the 3 cones to my backyard and probably used a baseball glove as the fourth marker we needed to create 2 goals. I had a soccer ball in my toy box, which I think I received as some sort of pizza hut giveaway, so we gave soccer a whirl. We played one-on-one soccer in my very large backyard, and after about seven minutes, we realized that one-on-one soccer in my very large backyard was incredibly boring. I couldn't understand why any sport would deliberately take away my ability to use my two, perfectly good, opposable thumbs. That day was basically the start and end of my soccer career, which was an entire day longer than my hockey and lacrosse careers.

Although I've never really played soccer or hockey, I've grown up to find them very exciting to watch. I love hockey on television and it's my favorite sport to attend in person. But soccer is different. The passion involved in soccer, by attending soccer fans, seems to be unparalleled in sports. Every national soccer game I see on television, the crowd always seems to be a bunch rabies-stricken people ready to eat anything that gives them a dirty look. And that is what I love about soccer.

I honestly get so excited for the World Cup; it's kind of embarrassing. It's embarrassing because most of my friends are still people I grew up with in my hometown. These people also have never played soccer and so most of them don't care about it. I have no one to talk to about the World Cup, so I guess it's a great topic to blog about.

I have to try to temper my excitement about this world cup, however. Last summer I watched as the US national team advanced to the Championship match of some major tournament after defeating Spain, the world's #1 ranked team. Clearly, I'm not a soccer expert, and wouldn't claim to be, but from what I saw last summer, it seemed that the US soccer team was a bit of a fluke. I remember watching games where we were seemingly outplayed, but managed a 2 minute burst where we would score a deciding goal. I felt like I saw this same story play out about 3 times during that tournament. Every analyst talked about how great America was playing because after all, America was winning, but they didn't want to point out that we were routinely being outplayed. We see these kind of things in hockey or soccer, where if a team can steal a goal, they can win while being outplayed. Sure, a basketball team can be outplayed and still win, but if you make 1 lucky three-pointer it usually doesn't end up being the deciding factor in the game. I think the US will have to win some games in which they've been outplayed to have success in this tournament. Maybe I'm just a doubter.

There are a few other, more recent events which make me worried about the US chances in the upcoming World Cup. First off, I heard an interview with Landon Donovan a few weeks ago, and Colin Cowherd asked if the US really is the 15th best soccer team in the world (that's about where we're currently ranked). Landon paused and said, "uh, yeah, I think so." It seems to me, that if Landon really believed that, he wouldn't have needed to take the extended pause. It sounded similar to when I tell the officer that I thought I was only going 65. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Uh, yeah, 65 I think, you know, the exact speed limit."

In worldwide events, I think America tends to get more publicity than other nations and ends up being a little more highly ranked than what they've actually merited. Landon probably knows that they're not in the top 15, but he also doesn't want to say otherwise. I've also seen on ESPN that the team is currently suffering from many injuries. Most of them are injuries that linger and need extended periods of time to fully heal, things like ankle sprains. Not to mention, one of our most dynamic players, Charlie Davies, was left off the team.

All in all, the US is the second ranked team in their four-team division entering round robin play of the World Cup. The top two of the four teams in each group will then advance to the round of 16. I lean towards being a pessimist, but I have a feeling that the US will not make it out of pool play.

That being said, I invite you all to cheer on America with me June 12, against England. USA USA USA!!!

Mrs. Thomas, Technology and Sports

I think we're all very fortunate to be living in the time in which we currently find ourselves. The reason I feel this way is because of all the fascinating technology that we will see in our lifetimes. Surely, this can be said about any generation because technology very rarely digresses and the rate at which new stuff comes out continues to increase. So, little bitty babies being born right now, 24 years after me will, no doubt, see a lot cooler things than I ever will, but I do think that we generation y'ers have had a unique view of major technological change. The entire computerization of America has been an incredible event to witness; an utterly world changing series of events that we were all here for. Cell Phones. Smart Cars. Television Quality. Dippin' Dots.

Even with this recent bombardment of amazing toys for us to tinker with as adults, I can't help but feel that we're on the fringe of something that's even greater. We're already on the quest for whatever may be next. I don't think anything as revolutionary as the computer is coming soon, but I also wouldn't rule it out either. I mean, I'm not prepared to say that teleportation isn't possible. It could be developed in a decade or so. Can you imagine working in Alaska and living in Columbus? This could become a reality with a teleporter.

Someone is also probably working on the flying car, which would definitely change the world. I think the flying car could be coming soon, airplanes were invented so long ago, don't they just have to make them smaller now? I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

Let me take you through my life and document the changes in technology I've seen. I promise, I will talk about sports, but not until later, so keep reading ladies.

When I was very young, I remember playing with red and green toy farm machinery, I think the same crap that either my mom or dad (not sure which family these toys came from) grew up fooling around with. Really, pretty mundane toys. I then remember getting an etch a sketch, a remarkably advanced toy compared to my miniature, red tractor. Later, I received the holy grail of toys, the Lite Bright. Playing with this toy not only taught me how to endure grand mal seizures, it also made me realize that I was about to see some wild shit, technologically, when I grew up and 7 year old ham was right, per usual. Overall, I probably didn't have a very eclectic experience in my youth, toywise.

I was also around for the video game explosion. I very vaguely remember having an atari at home, and although I know there were gaming systems prior to the atari, I still feel like it was the first relevant gaming system. I also feel like the joysticks probably helped a lot of younger boys accidentally discover masturbation. I remember getting a nintendo on christmas one year, JACKPOT. It still has some of the most entertaining games I've ever played on any system (Bases Loaded 4, I'm unstoppable with Hawaii). I never had an SNES but I was able to get a Sega, which was pretty good, but I preferred the Nintendo. Then there were weird things like Sega Saturn but later Nintendo 64 and Playstation were released. I was given a Nintendo 64 one year for christmas as well, but my desire to play video games basically died out shortly thereafter. I have played about every gaming system though, with HALO being the only game which I occasionally get the itch to play.

I also remember the advancement of computers. I remember going to first grade, and I can visualize my 1st grade room but I can't place if there was a computer in it. I'm pretty confident that it didn't have a computer at that point. This is what I can remember from first grade. I remember my teacher Mrs. Thomas, saying that her husband, Bill (whom I've never met), birthday was October 25th, which I remember because that is my birthday. I remember one day when Stephanie asked me, "what color goes good with yellow?" To which I replied, "I'm not sure. I should know this, though, my mom sells Mary Kay." Flawless logic. I also remember dropping my lunch ticket in the toilet. One thing I do not remember from first grade, that my mom told me about when I was in fourth grade was making fun of a kid for not being able to read. My mom said that Mrs. Thomas had told her at a PTA meeting that while a classmate was reading aloud, and stumbling on the words, I said something like, "can you hurry up already?" out loud. As I previously stated, I don't remember this incident and I think Mrs. Thomas probably confused me with the class bully that particular night. Anyway, I guess the whole situation apparently went down like this.

Skip ahead two years to third grade and I know for sure, at this point every classroom in the school had a computer. This is probably when I began to beg my parents for a computer. It was a difficult process for me too, because all I really wanted a computer at home for was to play minesweeper. I had a rough time explaining why this would be useful in our home at the tender age of 9. Eventually dad caved, and we purchased our first ever computer. I quickly began a quest to set records for every level of minesweeper. Unfortunately, and I probably could have mentioned this earlier, I didn't even know the object of minesweeper. I just liked clicking until it made me start over.

Skip ahead another year and I sat in a computer lab for computer class. The towers on these computers had something extra, I was told it was called CD-Rom. This CD-Rom enabled us to play sweet games like, "Sell Lemonade" and "Oregon Trail." Naturally, I went home and started my campaign for CD-Rom. Like clockwork, mom and pop caved and I found myself sabotaging my own family on Oregon Trail so I could put things on the tombstone like, "Here Lies 'Fart'," or "Here Lies 'a studmonkey' (an incredibly popular phrase in my youth)".

Next came the internet, which changed the entire world, obviously. After the changing of the entire world, my parents got the internet as well and I started my new life as a music pirate. Then cell phones were popularized and I received my first one on Christmas during my junior year of high school. It was awesome; it had a calculator and could place phone calls. This technology baffled me for a period of time. I remember wondering how exactly my cell phone worked, I probably still don't know for sure, but I've quit thinking about it. Anyway, I remember coming home one weekend night and the power was out at my parents house. I took out my beloved cell phone and opened it up, I remember thinking, "the power is out but my cell still works." I was completely dumbfounded and perhaps not coincidentally, I was also drunk as shit.

Once the internet blew up, sports coverage began to prevail everywhere, making every sport accessible to nearly all willing consumers. I have absolutely no reason to like hockey as much as I do, but someone like me, who is so enveloped in other sports, eventually just can't stay away from it. Now, it is my favorite sport to watch in person and my second favorite sport overall. I only have the proliferation of the internet, television broadcasting and the laziness of myself to thank for finding this new sport I so enjoy.

I think since the time I received my first cell phone in December 2003, there hasn't been a great deal of brand new technologies developed that have quite affected our lives as much. Sure, computers and cellphones have gotten exponentially better, but I think we're due for something earth shattering to come out. I was pondering this possibility during my last Minster to Columbus drive and it was weird, I got really excited. I really believe we are going to see some wild, wacky innovations in the near future.

One idea that my brain eventually locked in on was 3D television. I know, it already exists, but I began to think about my first experience with it. I saw Avatar in 3D at the imax in Columbus, and although I hated the movie, it was visually incredible. I fast-forwarded my thinking to about ten years from now. I'm predicting that 3D televisions will be standard in households with everything on television being broadcast in 3D. At this point I basically began to flip out just thinking about how amazing that will make sports-watching. I thought about baseball, having a camera right behind the umpire in 3D, the pitch will be coming right at us and seeing it fly away after the batter makes his connection. Even cooler will be foul tips that seemingly, barrel right back towards us. I then thought about its impact on the NHL; already the most visually stimulating game to watch in HD. White ice, blue and red lines, colorful jerseys (sweaters) and people skating all over the place. A 3D camera on the net, having pucks fly directly at us, only to be snatched by the goalies arm that swings out from right in front of us. It's going to be absolutely breathtaking.

So that's basically it.

I've been thinking about this blog quite frequently over the past few weeks. I usually don't take the time to post on it and when I do, it's really only for about a handful of readers. While I really, really appreciate the following I do get, I think there is something I need to change. I like to write about sports but so do about 100,000,000 other people and I'm far from the best at it. I've really only told about 4 people that I've started to write a novel and I'm sure half of the 6 people who started reading this have stopped by now. So about 7 people know now. Keep it quiet. My novel is about 40% autobiographical and while writing it, I've reminisced about so many weird times in my life. Times which aren't necessarily shocking or amazing but have left vivid images in my brain (see the "what color goes with yellow" story above). I'm trying to find my niche on this blog. While I will never be the best sports writer, I am most definitely the best writer of my life. So this post will usher in a series of posts, which I'll refer to as the "Vivid Images Series," which will incorporate a specific memory of my life into whatever topic I choose to write about.

Ok, I think I'm done here, sorry about the length.

Never had to apologize for that before (ZING!)

Da (Bears) Draft!

So, according to my blog (this very, exceptionally entertaining website), I haven't posted an entry since April 5th. Where do I get off? Who do I think I am, tOSU's very own Mark Titus? What? I can just go away for weeks at a time and leave my legions of fans alone in the dark, curled up in the fetal position, telling themselves every thing's gonna be all right, while I laugh all day long and come up with ideas for sweet new food inventions (General Tso's flavored ice cream)!!?? Hell no, I can't do that. I wouldn't even want to do that to my precious Hambino Hounds, so even though it is currently 1:48am, it's time for me to right this ship.

Last a couple days ago (that is a real measurement of time), the NFL Draft happened. It happened. The much-hyped event was moved to Thursday, Friday and Saturday for the first time ever. For the record, I was totally against this change (it used to be a Saturday/Sunday event) but I accepted it because, the times they are a changin'. The draft is billed as this huge event and if your favorite team doesn't draft the right player, I think you're supposed to jump in front of a train or something. The draft isn't completely overhyped, however, a team can really propel itself into contention with a great pick, or ruin itself with a bad pick, see JaMarcus Russell. I'm not sure if that M in JaMarcus is capitol or not, I think it looks cool though. HaM SchMitMeyer. Anyways, I mostly tend to think the draft is overrated because you really don't know if your team had a good draft until about 3 years later, and for my favorite team, the Browns, it's rarely worth the wait. So what does the draft mean? I don't know.

I can tell you what it used to mean.

It used to mean that I would be attending some kind of party in the afternoon with a bunch of dudes who really like the NFL. It used to mean that my friends and I would be able to enjoy a responsible amount (of course) of adult beverages, since it was a Saturday, and celebrate every amazing pick the Browns had made (we got Brady Quinn like, 27th overall, can you believe it??!!!!). It also meant that we would rename our beverages in honor of our favorite pick and order them by their new name when we eventually hit the bars. It took a while, but the drink slingers eventually learned what a Joe Thomas was. It used to mean that I would assume the greatest alias ever created, "Magnus Samuelsson" for an annual cornhole tournament, in which I was always quickly ousted. It also used to mean that my friend "Rocketship Ron" would perform some of his brilliant, completely original animal sounds, with the highlight always being the legendary, "hedgehog." It gives me chill bumps just to think about it.

This year was a little different. Without the compliment of steady drinking, I made a "sobering" (uh oh, nailed it!!) realization; the draft is really boring. The most exciting part of the draft this year was seeing Tim "Citizen Snips" Tebow get drafted by the Broncos (Maurice Clarett will be released from the clink soon, BTW) in the first round. It was utterly shocking for me to see Tim Tebow go when he did because Tony Robbins was still on the board. I had Tony rated as my number 1 motivational speaker and Tebow #2, followed by this guy at number #3. Much to my surprise, Tony Robbins didn't even get drafted.

I think the second most surprising thing in this draft was Mel's hair. Mel Kiper Jr. is all about preparing for the future. He is going to be the first person to ever lose their hair, purchase a toupee and have it actually look more attractive than his natural hair. What is he trying to do with that look? It's so bad I can't even figure out how to make fun of it properly. It looks like it smells bad; that's all I got..

Man, I usually think of myself as a nice guy but here I am, making fun of Tim Tebow for being a man of faith and torching Mel Kiper Jr. for having hair that looks similar to an upside down bowl that Ace Ventura ate out of which was made of bat dung.

Well, I was sort of planning on actually talking about some of the picks made in the draft but I want to keep this concise so you'll have time to do other things like, read Bill Simmons' and Mark Titus' blogs, which are literary marathons, and also wildly entertaining. I think that may have to wait for a later date. It may be the same date, just a later time I guess, but what am I psychic? No I'm not psychic, I'm just a regular guy who likes to drink Joe Thomas's and dream of a world where I can eat General Tso's and ice cream on one plate. It is now 2:48, which means I've been working on this for one hour. I better get to bed, Charmed starts in 5 hours and 12 minutes. GET SPELLBOUND!