Not counting facebook wall posts, this is probably the first time I've written for entertainment purposes since a poem I wrote while on vacation in Tennessee. I guess this will be my second time, overall. Hopefully, this will be funny without mentioning guy-on-guy sodomy. Oops. My cousin Burke will also be posting blogs on here, which I am pretty excited about. They should be pretty good because he is less of an idiot.
First off, I would like to discuss Saved by the Bell. You know what I'm talking about. This was probably my second favorite show (The Wonder Years) and I'm sure it was high on your list too. The other day I woke up early enough to catch a couple episodes of Married With Children and Saved by the Bell and I realized that the humor on these shows is really corny. My, how comedy has changed over a relatively short period of time.
One of the Saved by the Bell episodes I saw was the drivers ed course with Mr. Tuttle, probably one of my all-time favorites (not as good as the murder mystery episode). This drivers ed episode had all of the great elements Saved by the Bell was known for, Zach fighting for Kelly, Zach jealous of Slater, Zach scheming, Zach getting caught, Zach getting in trouble, Slater calling Jessie a babe, Jessie calling Slater a pig, Slater sitting in his chair the wrong way and Slater wearing those dynamite stone-washed jeans that go up past the belly-button (I heard he still has an affinity for those). It also contains one of my favorite quotes, "And that Mr. Tuttle, is how you principal." How you principal? You can't verb a noun, Mr. Belding.
This episode made me wonder if actual high school kids liked Saved by the Bell. I'm talking about kids who were in high school while Saved by the Bell aired. I started to wonder this because I was probably about 8 when I really liked it and only now, I can see how corny it really was/is. It was sort of like a show with high-schoolers, who had fourth grade problems.
There was an episode where Slater quit wrestling because he had a quiche in the oven. There was also one episode where they all played high school basketball, which was quite hilarious. Zach hurt his knee and needed to have surgery. The surgeon happened to be Lisa's Mom but Zach feared for his life and fled the hospital. In another episode Screech's parents left so he had a party. Sorry, no booze. There was one episode with a toga party and the cast drank some booze and Zach wrecked his car, so I have to give them credit for that. There was also an episode where Jessie was addicted to "study pills," coincidentally, this is why I didn't get into Stanford. Beside those two episodes, the problems were pretty mundane which leads me to believe high-schoolers in the late 80's and early 90's were probably watching something else.
Has anybody else seen this finallyfast.com commercial? It is so terrible. You seriously need to watch it before you continue reading. It's probably on youtube but I'm not gonna look for the link. Basically, it is an ad for a website to rid your computer of viruses but it is so cheesy. At the end this nerdy dude says, "my computer is fast, finally! Finally fast.com!" This commercial is honestly terrible. I could make a better commercial with a kazoo and a pine-cone. Honestly, if you just watch the right porn, you shouldn't have a virus problem.
After seeing this commercial a few times and talking to my friends about how terrible it is, I have decided that they tried to make it that bad. Here is what I'm thinking; if they make a mediocre commercial for an even more mediocre product everyone would probably just shrug their shoulders and forget about it. Since they made the commercial so terrible, people will at least discuss it and more people will probably end up visiting finallyfast.com. Maybe the idiots at finallyfast.com are actually smart. Well played finallyfast.com, well played.
Let's talk about the super bowl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think this super bowl should be pretty good. It probably won't provide a finish as exciting as last year but I think the entire game will be great, not just the final 8 minutes. Here are some of the most important things of this years' super bowl.
1. Pressure on Kurt Warner. If the Stillers cannot pressure Warner off the edge the Cardinals will win. It's that simple. I say this because the Cardinals have the best duo and trio of WR's in the NFL. Larry "fitzy baby" Fitzgerald is the best all-around WR in the league. Andre Davis put up better numbers this year, sure, but have you watched the playoffs? Anquan Boldin is the best WR in the NFL after the catch, it seriously is amazing to watch him run after the catch. Steve Breaston, well, I'd rather not compliment Steve.
2. Cardinals ability to stop the run. During the regular season the cardinals gave up 40+ points a handful of times. They skated into the playoffs from the worst division in football. The cardinals are to football what the winner of the NL west is to baseball. Anyway, the Cardinals terrible defense turned completely around in the playoffs and I don't know why. I mean, they have Ralph Brown. In the wild card round the Cardinals beat the Falcons and Michael Turner pretty easily, shocking most people (including me). After that, I was on their bandwagon but most weren't. They beat Carolina who had the best rushing attack in the NFL, again, it was an easy victory. Then they beat the Eagles. They came out to a big lead before the eagles came back but the cardinals were again able to emerge victorious. They were able to control Brian Westbrook, he was not completely shut out, but controlled. What I'm trying to say is, the Cardinals will manage the stiller rushing attack pretty well. I wouldn't expect the cardinals to completely shut out the shitsberg ground game but it also won't kill them.
3. Ben Roethlishamberger. If the stillers are going to win, they will need rossenmacher to be better than the decent quarterback he is. I say this because The Cardinals are going to put up points, I don't care how good the shitsberg defense is. The stillers will not be able to run all day and count on the defense to win. The final score of this game will not be 9-7. We will have to see Ben be a good passing quarterback if shitsberg is going to win. He will not be able to throw up ducks to Santonio and let him run for 60 yards.
Now I'd like to analyze these points and tell you who will win. The stillers will be able to pressure Kurt Warner off the edge with Harrison, Woodley and Polamalu. It will help out the stillers a lot and keep the game close, but I don't think we will be saying it was the reason shitsberg won when all is said and done. I think the Cardinals will be able to use quick passes and bubble screens with Anquan Boldin if protections becomes an issue. This will allow Boldin to become the stud running back the Cardinals don't have.
It won't really take me long to analyze how the cardinals have stopped running games in the playoffs. Basically, it's because I don't know how they have just started to do this. I think they will be able to maintain the stiller running game because they don't have a very good running game and the cardinals have previously limited Michael Turner, Carolina and Brian Westbrook.
Ben "Rossenmacher" Roethlishamberger is a decent quarterback, at best. In the NFL he has had the luxury of a great defense on his team. I do not think he will be able to completely rely on them and Willy Parker to win the game. I also don't think he will be able to do enough, in a warm stadium, to keep pace with Kurt Warner and his receivers. I think Kurt will put up decent numbers and Santonio will continue to emerge as the number 1 receiver as Hines Ward continues to age. I look for Santonio to have 80+ yards receiving and 1 touchdown. This will not be enough and the Cards will be superbowl champions.
Hopefully I am thinking with my brain and not my heart.
I have a bit of a gambling problem, which is why I feel confident analyzing this superbowl for you. Throughout the course of the season I have bet on about every team and watched every team at least once. I believe I have watched every playoff game, so I know what I'm talking about. That said, I definitely lost money betting on the NFL this year, but it was fun. If (big if here) I were going to bet on this superbowl; this is how I would do it.
The cardinals are +7 and the money line is +200, I would make a medium sized bet on the Cardinals straight up. I would also look at the adjusted money lines. The one I like is Cardinals -7.5 + 500, I would place a smaller bet on that. I would then hedge my bets by taking the stillers -7 -105. The first two bets pay out enough that if you would get those right, you can lose the stiller bet and still be up. Also, if the Cardinals tank, the stiller bet will make you end up even on the day. I have not mentioned the O/U, this is because it's at 46.5 which I think will be pretty accurate, so I wouldn't mess with it.
So, that is it, hopefully this blog has been semi-entertaining. I'm sure I'll find something else to blog about if anyone reads this garbage.
