Leaders and Legends

Upon initially hearing the names of the two Big Ten divisions, I supposed I was probably not unlike most of you when I thought, “What”? Yes, Leaders and Legends brought the words ‘what’, ‘corny’ and ‘arrogant’ to the forefront of my mind. It’s definitely a queer choice that didn’t sit well with me.

The news of the divisional names broke over 24 hours ago, and I’m sure most of you have taken the time to process this information and form your opinions. Maybe your initial thoughts were similar to mine, and then you spoke to some of your friends who also believed the names were not the correct choice, and thus your thoughts were cemented that the Divisional names were garbage and the Big Ten had failed. And now, you’re here searching for a little more affirmation. Based on my opening paragraph, you’ll surely get it, right? No, after spending a little more time thinking about the names, I like them. Here are my thoughts.

First off, it is incredibly easy to hear the names and immediately be displeased. It’s also easy to be cynical and think, “that’s the best these powerful, probably overpaid officials could come up with?” I touched on this line of thinking in my last blog and called it unproductive. I still believe this to be true. Instead of remaining negative about the names, I quickly thought to myself, “well, they probably could have done worse.” I then spent about 3 minutes trying to come up with better names for the divisions. I appreciated Leaders and Legends more after my 3 minutes had elapsed. My best idea was ‘Silver’ and ‘Gold’, which is terrible. This idea is obviously flawed because it implies one division is superior to the other. Thanks a lot, Olympics.

Secondly, I think the names will create great awareness for the Big Ten since it is, in fact, a business. Creating recognition for your conference will only serve to increase visits and applications from incoming college freshmen, which is the ultimate goal. Just ask Gonzaga how business was before it had a basketball team that created national recognition and by what percentage their applications have risen now that everyone knows who they are.

These two names will undoubtedly leave the door open for ridicule during down years of Big Ten football, but that’s going to happen anyway and truthfully, that’s the kind of stuff that really doesn’t bother me. If SEC fans want to make remarks about the Big Ten and their views of the ridiculousness of the divisional names, I think that just speaks to their character. The truth is the Big Ten is first and foremost, an organization of outstanding Academic Institutions and as an OSU grad; I will never be embarrassed about that. The Big Ten is not simply 12 separate football entities; it is so much more. The SEC is the king of football, and that’s okay because I’m not going pro in football.

To revisit something I sort of brushed past earlier, and mentioned in a previous blog, I’m not a fan of hearing complaints from someone who has no idea how to fix said problem. So I ask: What should the Big Ten have named its divisions? Should it have given the divisions directional names because that’s what the SEC and Big-12 did? I think I would have been most upset if the Big Ten had done this. How can the Big Ten expect to be exceptional if it just follows a template everyone else has already laid out? Won’t other institutions deserve the credit then? Sure, the Big Ten could have given the divisions directional names and it wouldn’t have drawn much scrutiny, but that sounds boring to me. Personally, I recognize that the Big Ten represents more than football, and I applaud its willingness to experiment and take the chances that can draw criticism. In the end, isn’t taking chances and experimentation what college is all about?

Sports

Woah. There’s been a lot of news on the sports front this week. I don’t even know where to begin. Luckily, there’s no right or wrong answer for that sort of thing.

If you cut off Urban Meyer’s left leg and looked inside, you’d only see 46 rings, and at the age of 46, Urban has resigned from his job as Head Coach for the Florida Gators. If I were a Florida fan though, I wouldn’t panic. I think the 2010 campaign will likely be the worst for Florida because they’ve had to experience the growing pains of replacing a great Quarterback. Just ask Texas how easy that is. I’m not sure how the top 3 high school football states shake out exactly, but certainly, Florida is right there with the likes of Texas and California, so Florida will always have plus athletes. Let’s not forget that Urban has also turned the Florida job into one of the top 5 jobs in the sport. Florida will get a big-name hire, and the short-lived turmoil will be just that. Don’t fret, Florida fan.

And I can’t believe how interested I am in baseball right now. Through the glorious, instant obsession that is twitter, I’ve been on the pulse of all the offseason, free-agent moves, and I gotta say; I think it’s exciting. Without question the team making the biggest waves right now is the Boston Red Sox. The Red Sox have signed Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford to huge deals. Carl Crawford’s deal of 7 years, 142 MM dollars is pretty fat, unfortunately I don’t have Gonzalez’s figures in front of me, but best believe it’s also over 100MM; that’s a lot of Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. Oh yeah, let’s not understate the fact that Adrian Gonzalez has put up incredible offensive statistics in what might be the most pitcher-friendly park in all of baseball located in San Diego.

The most exciting thing for Red Sox fans is Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkilis all missed the bulk of the previous season due to injury. They’ll be returning/added to a team that won 89 games last season. In affect, the Red Sox are gaining 5 superstars this season! If they stay healthy, the Red Sox will be a monster. In my opinion, there isn’t another MLB roster even CLOSE to what the Red Sox have on paper right now. Stay tuned though, because Cliff Lee may come to terms with a club today or tomorrow.

The 2nd most coveted outfield free agent (Carl Crawford) this season was Jayson Werth, and the Phillies loss, was the rest of the National League’s gain. I’m excited to watch Jayson Werth, Steven Strasburg and Bryce Harper all in the same lineup in the future, but that IS still a few years away, and the Washington Nationals won’t contend this season. As a Reds fan, whose team is primarily looking to sure up its future with players it already has, as opposed to signing free agents, I’m thrilled to see the Phillies lose a piece of their puzzle. The only downside is Jayson Werth had nothing to do with the Reds being shut out in 2 of its 3 playoff games against the Phillies; so maybe the Reds haven’t really gained all that much.

Get Your Tickets!

Housekeeping:

In an effort to make this blog closer to a daily occurrence, I'll need to stretch my imagination a little bit to come up with enough material. Although, I'm only going to be aiming for about 200-500 words per day, it'll still add up to a lot more Ham than 1000 words every third week. I've also decided to stop pimping my posts on FB since I don't fetch many hits, and it probably serves to annoy more than it actually helps people. So, if you want to read my stuff, just check here daily. All the time.

I recently heard someone on television talking about how he keeps all of his ticket stubs in a scrapbook. Initially, I thought it was an incredibly nerdy, and lame thing to do, but quickly changed my mind. I thought about some of the games I've been to in my life which have been awesome, and tried to fast forward to when I'm 80-years-old. I won't be able to remember any of it. In short, I've decided to also keep my ticket stubs, starting now, and write a brief summary of each experience. I've really been extremely fortunate to witness some of this stuff. I mean, really, some of these games, and the circumstances surrounding them, I can't believe I was a part of them. I've tried to recount everyone I was with at these games. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone on account of too much alcohol. This is entirely possible.

During the beginning of my sophomore year of college (2005) I spent a lot of time in an apartment tenanted (surprised this is a word) by Ronald, Zeke, Haus, Mitch and Justin Sanchez. They were all broke seniors, and I was a broke sophomore, not yet 21 and unable to enter most bars without fashioning a fake ID. The NHL returned from a lockout and we typically spent the weekend drinking cheap beer in the aforementioned apartment, joined by Greg S. and others, of course. It was this group however, that decided to turn on the Blue Jackets, who played their home games less than 3 miles from where we lived, in order to yell jibberish at the television screen and pretend like we knew hockey. None of us had ever watched hockey prior to this season. After about 3 drunk, weekend nights of screaming at the television and trying to encourage hockey fights, I looked at Ronald and asked if anyone actually kind of liked this sport for what it was, beside the fact that it gave drunk kids an excuse to yell at stuff. Ronald nodded, and suddenly the two of us, along with Greg S, evolved into die-hard BJ's fans. Ronald and I drove down High Street to the local Goodwill Store to be fitted for BlueJacket apparel. We bought actual jackets that happened to be blue. Ronalds was originally made for women, and mine was a nylon duster that went all the way to the ground. Wearing our new "uniforms" made watching the games hysterical and also drew us closer to the sport.

Flash forward to last Friday. Ronald, now wearing a Red Wings jersey, for reason's I hate to think of and refuse to explain for the purposes of this blog, myself, Ben B, J Boke, Z-Botz, Brian M, Danny M, and a Canadian guy named Joe, sat in Nationwide Arena watching the Blue Jackets and Red Wings play a game to decide 1st place in the division. Much like the first NHL game I ever attended, the Red Wings defeated to Blue Jackets, except this game was 2-1 and not 6-0. It kicked off the BJ's current 5-game skid. Besides this skid, the Blue Jackets have had their most successful season to date, but I've been without my best Blue Jacket friend, Ronald, and it's really disappointing.



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The Reds 1st home postseason game in 15 years. After finally having the pleasure of watching a winning season, I realized just how much I love the Reds more than any of my other sports teams. The Reds were swept out of the postseason in this game, but it was still an incredible sight, and I was fortunate to see it. I could probably complain about a few things, but complaining isn't productive and all it really does is make people not want to hang out with you. It's the only Reds game I've been to in my 25 years of living, where the stadium was actually full. For a moment I thought I was in heaven, and then my least favorite player made an error in the top of the 1st, so the Reds were quickly down 1-0, with the Series at 0-2. That's when I realized I was actually in Cincinnati, not heaven. Jake O purchased tickets online and I went to this game with My Brother Andy, Jason K, Greg S, and Jake O. For my purposes, it's unfortunate this "ticket" is actually just a piece of paper that was printed off the internet.



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I believe this game was played on a Thursday. It wasn't easy to find people to make the 2 hour drive to Cincinnati from Columbus to watch the Reds potentially clinch. With the projected starting pitching matchup, I was extremely confident the Reds WOULD indeed clinch, and I was able to talk one of my all-time greatest friends, Lee M, into going to the game. We met up with current Cincinnati resident and my former next door neighbor, Greg R, for this game. Heading into the bottom of the 8th, I called Jay Bruce would hit a leadoff, walk off homerun in the bottom of the 9th to send us to the playoffs. That's exactly what happened, because I'm a genius. Lee and I stayed around the park and took part in the celebration for an hour. We then drove back to Lee's house in Columbus, where we rewatched the game, and the walkoff, while drinking champagne and beer until 4am. This year I was able to watch the Reds biggest two home games in person, over the last 15 seasons; I'm grateful for that.



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The Buckeyes beat M!ch!g@n and we were heading back to the BCS National Championship. My immediate reaction was, "I'm absolutely broke, there's no way I can go to this game." Then, I went over a few things in my head and decided, "fuck it, I'm going to New Orleans." What are the things I went over that ultimately rationalized the trip to New Orleans? Glad you asked. Here's the list of my thoughts.
-I've been a fan of Buckeye Football since I was 5.
-Ohio State was the only college I wanted to go to.
-Ohio State was the only college I applied to.
-It was my senior season.
-How perfect is this situation?
-Very perfect. It's like a fairy tale.
-I'll just put everything on my credit card and pay it off eventually, somehow.

I called Lee M and the trip was on. Jon K from Miami, Aaron D from the University of Dayton, Justin S fellow OSU'er, myself and Lee made the trip.

Ohio State had a student lottery, which gave the winners the opportunity to purchase tickets to the national championship. Guess what. I won. I only knew 3 other people who won, and they were Abbey M, Kirby E and Tyler F. We all met up and purchased our tickets together and eventually, Tyler sold his.

About 2 weeks before we were to take off for New Orleans, I received a letter in the mail stating inactivity in my OPERS retirement account, which I was paying into while I was working for the Village of Minster for the previous 2 summers and 3 summers overall. It asked if I wanted to just cash it out. Yes, please. My only problem was, we were leaving for New Orleans so soon, I didn't know if the mail could get everything processed in time for my trip. Luckily I realized that I lived in Columbus, the capitol of Ohio, and that the OPERS office was probably also in Columbus. I was right, it was located about 1 mile from where I was living. I went to the office and collected the $900 I never realized I was entitled to and the trip was set.

If you're a fan of statistics as I am, think of these odds.
-Buckeyes make the championship my senior year.
-Out of about 150 OSU students I knew, I was 1 of 4 who won the opportunity to purchase tickets.
-Days before the trip, I was flat broke, but was basically gifted $900 which paid for everything.

All of these incredible circumstances made me positive that witnessing the Buckeyes win a National Championship in the Sugar Bowl my Senior year of college was destiny. After the first 3 minutes, the Buckeyes were up 10-0 and Kirby, Abbey and myself rejoiced as our destiny was certainly becoming a reality. This was the 1st time I ever thought I was in heaven. Then LSU scored 31 unanswered points and I realized I was just in shitty, shitty New Orleans. The game ended and my trip was over. Still, I'm undoubtedly fortunate to have been able to see this game, and partake in 4 days of partying in New Orleans with some of my best friends. Destiny still works, and the trip was a blast. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, the Buckeyes actually winning the game wasn't the most important thing.



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A season prior to witnessing a national championship game, I was on hand as the Buckeyes and M!ch!g@n met for the only time in their collective history as number 1 vs. number 2. I think Bo Schembechler passed away the day before, and Columbus was crazy. We had about 8 guests in our apartment for the weekend and it was a nonstop party.

I tailgated with Kurt B and his sister's friends before the game, and I saw Tara Reid partying at an adjacent tailgate. It's basically the only time I've seen a famous person in Columbus, who wasn't playing for a team based in Columbus, or from Columbus themselves.

I saw pairs of tickets on eBay for as much as $2400 for this game, but decided not to sell.

Anyway, Kurt and I left the tailgate, stole an unopened bag of chips from a random tailgate, and walked to the stadium. We ate the chips and drunkenly yelled stupid stuff all the way to the stadium. Kurt and I arrived at the stadium, but our seats weren't together that season, so I found my seat with Zoid. BTW, we were usually able to get to the 1st row of C-Deck, which is the upper bowl, to watch games. The seats were on about the 45 yard line, so you could see the plays unfold. These were my favorite seats I've ever had in Ohio Stadium. It was one of the greatest games ever, and the Buckeyes won 42-39. I had a throbbing headache from screaming the entire game. It was the loudest I've ever heard our crowd. Zoid and I rushed on the field and tore up some of the sod to take home with us. It was the last game the Buckeyes played on sod at home, as field turf was put in the following season. I had about a yard of sod hanging over my shoulder as we walked back to our apartment and people tore some of it off my back, but I didn't care, because who needs a yard of sod? I just wanted a little bit, and I kept it in our freezer for the rest of the school year. We moved out in June, and I deposited the sod into a dumpster. What an unbelievable memory.



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One of these two tickets is from a regional final baseball game I played my senior year of high school. It was the last game I ever played. I'm not completely sure where the other originated, although I suspect it's from the game our girls won state in basketball my senior year of high school.

My brother gave me his stub from the Regional Final game. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now, it's kind of special he thought to do that. I love baseball, and still miss playing it. I was fortunate to ride the coattails of such a great group of guys from age 8-18, and we made a lot of great memories.

Watching our girls basketball team win state our senior year was really fun. Most of my friends played football and basketball when I didn't, so I couldn't really hang out with them during those seasons. Since the girls playoff run came after our boys were eliminated and before baseball, it was a great time for all of us to hang out and support our girls, who eventually brought home the state title.



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So that's it. Wow, this was a lot longer than I anticipated. Talk about rambling. You'll probably have to excuse some of the grammar...

LeBron Outcome

I guess it's kind of ironic or hypocritical that I'm so sick of hearing about the Heat/Cavs/LeBron, yet I continue to talk about it. Well, just wanted to let you all in on a little something...

Since I'm in Grad School/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/a loser, I'm usually not extremely busy from 10am-1pm during any day. Strangely enough, this is precisely the time that my good ole buddy, Colin Cowherd is on ESPNU talking about sports. I usually check in daily to see if he's talking about something I'm interested in and if he is, I'll continue watching. And if he's not, I'll probably continue watching. It's still better than The Price is Right.

Yesterday, or Today, or whatever, Colin was talking about LeBron, and he asked people to email what they WANTED to happen in the game, and what they THOUGHT would happen yesterday, or today, or whatever. He said, he would give the person with the closest prediction a "real nice package," and since I enjoy real nice packages and am in Grad School/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/a loser, I decided to take the time to voice my opinion. I guess I'll just copy/paste my exact email for you folks:

"I want LeBron to score 30 and the Heat to win by double digits.

I think LeBron will score 38 and the Heat will win by 15. I think the crowd will affect LeBron, but it will also affect the Cavs players. LeBron will shoot poorly, and decide to take it to the rack every time. LeBron won't let himself have a game that will allow the Cav fans to say, "we don't even miss you, LeBron." I think LeBron will do everything tonight."

I don't know if any of y'all kept track, but LeBron did score exactly 38 points last night. I'm guessing someone else probably emailed Colin and also predicted 38 points, but suggested a point total that ended up being closer than my 15 (Heat won by 28), so I doubt I'll win. I sure hope I win though, it would be my 4th appearance on the show either via having my email read and name mentioned, or literally being in the background of the shot when on location. So, if you tune into The Herd tomorrow and hear, Big Time Hammer Time mentioned, you better believe they're talking about me.

Even if I don't win, sometimes as a Grad Student/Unemployed/kind of nerdy for sports/loser, you just have to find reasons to brag about yourself every once in a while.

Quick Keyboard Mash - LeBron

Here are a few thoughts I wanted to get out before the matchup tonight in Cleveland. It’s exciting to know moments will occur tonight that we’ll be talking about for decades. I mean, these moments happen, but I think it’s rare that we know exactly when they’re going to happen. In forty years when ESPN Classic is running its LeBron Story, tonight will be a part of it. Tonight will be included in nearly every story ever created about LeBron. Scratch that, it WILL be included in EVERYTHING aimed at telling LeBron’s story. And tonight, we’ll all witness. Too easy.

First off, I’ve only watched the NBA for its players. When I was little, I watched Reggie Miller and Michael Jordan. Today I enjoy watching LeBron and Durant and Nash, but I never felt it would have been right to consider myself a Cav fan. Not after all the futility I’ve experienced (Reds and Browns). I resented people for taking the easy way out, and I was not-so-secretly pleased when LeBron left.

What do I think will happen tonight? I can make a prediction, but based on what? There’s no precedent for this. There’s basically no precedent for anything LeBron has ever done, if you think about it.

Who grows up being touted as the next best player in their sport by the time they’re 16? Already a small number. Of those people, who grew up in a city, which has suffered the kind of professional sports poverty akin to Cleveland? The list is already probably down to LeBron only, but let’s keep going. Who lives up to the hype and by the time they are 18, think about it, 18, is the consensus best player entering the draft. Man, I was stupid at 18. And wouldn’t you know it, your hometown was worst in the league last year, and they have the number 1 pick. You can’t write this stuff; it’s sports. This movie script would be stupid. LeBron is picked by his hometown with the duty of bringing the city out of sports hell. His games continues to progress and puts up ridiculous numbers. He has a couple playoff runs where he’s just out of his mind. Look up some of the stats he’s had in the playoffs. Absurd. LeBron grows tired of trying to defeat deep, 9-man teams in the conference semis and finals by himself and decides to bolt town.

LeBron does an hour of ill-advised television and he’s immediately the worst human being on the planet. What a character flaw, eh Kobe? Eh Big Ben? Eh Ron Artest? Eh Tiger?

Basically I’m trying to say that this entire “LeBron” saga has never happened before. How can I predict what’ll happen tonight? Cowherd makes a great point. He says Cav fans can yell at LeBron tonight and hopefully get everything out of their collective system. It can, and hopefully will be therapeutic. I hope we can stop talking about it after tonight. Sure, players have skipped town and come back to play in front of angry fans before, but not to this magnitude. Don’t kid yourself. (BTW: Mike "The Miz" insert last name, just won some kind of WWE title. He's from Cleveland (Parma), does this end the title drought?)

I’m really more annoyed with the incessant Heat coverage. We’ve already figured out they won’t surpass the ’96 Bulls. Can we stop with a little bit of this converage. Every day I have to wade (pun intended) through all the Heat news to find the really important stuff on ESPN (Blue Jackets news).

The big 3 in Miami have each gone over 20 points the past few games and I think they are putting it together. But I don’t know if it’ll be enough to defeat the energy in the Q tonight. I think LeBron is going to try too hard, and I think he has to. The worst thing LeBron can do is be a non-factor. He can’t be complacent and give Cav fans a chance to think they don’t even miss him. LeBron has to be a tornado tonight, which I don’t think is even a basketball term. I think he has to try to do everything. I think he’ll have too many nerves to have a good shooting night, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be able to get to the rack.

The worst part about LeBron leaving in favor of Miami is the time they’re taking to figure out how to play together. Wade and LeBron haven’t coexisted perfectly yet, but it will get better, if Wade can accept that it’s no longer his team, IMO. After all, LeBron is the reigning two-time MVP. The league’s most valuable player hasn’t been entertaining. He hasn’t been appointment television.

I know not everyone is a sports fan, but if you’re reading this, you probably are. I don’t particularly care about the NBA, but I will realize a chance to be a small part of history, even if it’s on the other side of a television screen. I hope you’ll all join me in putting this issue to bed.

I’ll see you tomorrow

20 Best Characters in Comedy, Post Friends Era

I have a 10-page paper due Saturday in class and I originally had planned to do it today (Tuesday). Instead, I started thinking about all my favorite comedic characters in television over the past couple years. After minutes of thinking, it occurred to me that this very topic could make for a decent blog. It also occurred to me that I haven't posted a written blog in a couple weeks, and when that happens, the Hambino Hounds tend to go a little nuts. I concluded it's best to keep the Hounds satiated, so I went to work coming up with the best 20 characters in American comedy television, post Friends era. Is it time for me to begin gathering research and formulating ideas for my paper? Probably. Is it time to start panicking? Absolutely not.

I texted my Podcast buddy, Burke, and asked for his input. His response was, I'd have Ricky Gervais's character from the British version of The Office #1 and then he said he'd also have Homer Simpson in the mix as well. I quickly responded, only American television and no animation. I haven't watched a whole lot of British television and I couldn't really include animation because after Futurama, Family Guy and The Simpsons, there'd only be a few spots left on my list. I didn't want to include the British version of The Office (or as they call it in Britain, The Office), because then how would I be able to count out all the other British shows I've never seen? I didn't want to open that can of worms. I didn't want to included animated television either because half of comedy is being able to see the way comedians use their bodies and faces. As someone on my list once said, "I'm sort of a student of comedy." And worms are really gross.

I hope I don't offend people by leaving certain characters off my list. It is important to remember that there's nothing wrong with liking what you like. Personally, I must have a bit of a weird taste in comedies because my two favorite movie comedies of all time weren't able to outgross its production expenses in the box office. Basically, there are no right or wrong answers here.

20) Ray Barone (Ray Romano), Everybody Loves Raymond.

I wasn't exactly sure how to compile my list. I didn't want to just make it my favorite characters of comedy, but I also didn't want to blurt out the 20 most popular actors either. This list is somewhere in the middle. It's mostly my favorite people, and a few other characters who I feel earned it. Like Ray Romano. I never really watched this show, but it was on forever, and I know a lot of people my age who really like it, so he's kicking things off. I got a clip of him here.

19) Jeff (Patrick Warburton), Rules of Engagement.

I think most comedy's on Network or Cable (I've never learned the difference) tend to get a little corny. I can just identify with HBO a little more because they say words like, "fuck" and "prostate." I'm not sure that makes any sense; anyway, I think Patrick has done a nice job on this show, even though I've lost interest in it. I got a clip of him here.

18) Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell), Modern Family.

This show's won emmy's and it's awesome. The cast is great, and I'd recommend checking it out. If the show were a few more seasons in, Mr. Dunphy would be much higher on my list. This was one of my favorite clips when I searched youtube to accompany all of these. I got a clip of him here.

17) Doug Heffernan (Kevin James), The King of Queens.

Dougy-Doug is benefiting from the "Ray Barone Rule." I only ever watched this show in passing, but I think it's pretty decent. He makes the list because he gives me the opportunity to mention SBTB's Stacie Carosi (Leah Remini) playing opposite him. It's hard for me to give Kevin James my full attention because I always find myself thinking about Social Studies whenever I see him. He looks strikingly similar to my 8th grade Social Studies teacher, who concentrated more on Civic's and less on making me laugh.

I got a clip of him here.

16) Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), Parks and Recreation.

This cat has potential. This clip also made me LOL, where most could only make me GQTM. Andy is prohibited from currently being any higher on my list by the "Ty Burrell Syndrome." I got a clip of him here.

15) Murray Hewitt (Rhys Darby) Flight of the Conchords.

This is probably the one where you're like, "who the hell is that?" Then you'll be like, "Oh, I've seen that guy somewhere... Oh it's the boss from 'Yes Man'." Then you'd be right. He was also funny (playing the same character) in this cult hit. I got a clip of him here.

14) Andrew Bernard (Ed Helms), The Office.

I think the Nard Dog is hysterical in The Office. I really like his pants, too. He wants to have a whole litter of nard pups. I got a clip of him here.

13) Chris Turk (Donald Faison), Scrubs.

In 2006-2007 while in college, I watched at least 4 episodes of Scrubs a day. I got a clip of him here.

12) Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation.

Seriously guys, watch this clip and then watch the show whenever the 3rd season premiere's. I can't believe NBC has held Parks and Rec back so they could make the shittastic Outsourced. I got a clip of him here.

11) Buster Bluth (Tony Hale), Arrested Development.

Arrested Development is probably my favorite comedy of all time. Let me think about it. Yup, it's my favorite of all time. I got a clip of him here.

10) Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper), Big Bang Theory.

I've kind of lost interest in this show as well, but Jim won an Emmy for his performance in this series, I believe. He's come a long way from the knight in Garden State. I got a clip of him here.

9) Cameron Tucker (Eric Stonestreet), Modern Family.

The funniest character in Modern Family. I can't decide if his mannerisms are exaggerated, or spot on. I got a clip of him here.

8) Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), 30 Rock.

I'm not exactly sure why I quit watching this show. I believe it premiered on NBC with The Office and Scrubs on Thursday night's. I remember thinking Alec was hilarious in the show, and I have plenty of friends still watching. I got a clip of him here.

7) Tobias Funke (David Cross), Arrested Development.

Nobody could have played this character the way David Cross did. This character was perfectly cast. I got a clip of him here.

6) Larry David (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Larry David is the biggest benefactor of the "Ray Barone Rule." I have only ever seen a few episodes of this show, but I know it's wildly successful among certain audiences and the show has at least 7 seasons, I believe. I got a clip of him here.

5) GOB Bluth (Will Arnett), Arrested Development.

My favorite character from Arrested Development. So many quiet, one-liners from him. Good thing I always watch DVD's with the CC enabled or I would never have caught it all. I got a clip of him here.

4) Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

When this program began in was an incredible show. The first season was 6 or 7 episodes long and they were all on the other side of the politically correct line. As the show progress, the male characters developed and turned into assholes, and so did Sweet D. Danny DeVito was also added to the cast. Charlie isn't my favorite character on the show, but if you were to only watch one episode, he'd be the guy you remember. I got a clip of him here.

3) Dave Chappelle (Dave Chappelle), Chappelle's Show.

I had to break the rules here. I remember watching this show my freshman year of college and it was so groundbreaking. I had never seen anything like it, and it also made everyone laugh so hard. I got a clip of him here.

2) John "J.D." Dorian (Zach Braff), Scrubs.

I couldn't find a clip to do J.D. justice, but I tried. I really do think over the course of his time on Scrubs he played his character brilliantly. Another character who was unique, with quirks and idiosyncrasies which made him so fun to watch. I got a clip of him here.

1) Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office.

I've heard Steve Carell regarded as the nicest guy in hollywood. Well, he's really good at his job, too. I've watched episodes of The Office with the director commentary, and they say they have to cut out about 30 minutes of Steve Carell improv all the time. I think Michael Scott is my favorite character of all time, which is strange because he breaks my personal rule of plausibility. I've stopped watching entire genres of movies (horror) because they tend to be so far-fetched, and Michael Scott being in charge of an office is just that, but I love him anyways. I got a clip of him here.

There was a specific show that did not benefit from the "Ray Barone Rule." Can you guess it? It's Two and a Half Men. Can someone explain to me why that show is funny? I guess this is an example of, "you like what you like," and there's nothing wrong with that.

I hope you've enjoyed the list. I know I had fun searching Youtube for the appropriate videos. There are a handful of characters who didn't meet my criteria, but I thought I'd give them a quick honorable mention. One criteria I used was I wanted the characters to be from shows that had run at least 20 episodes, so a few were disqualified due to that. I expect to see some of these guys on my list in 5 years.

Stevie Janowski and Kenny Powers from East Bound and Down. I believe there have only been 13 episodes of this series, but this is really groundbreaking stuff. I've never seen characters like either of these two on television before, and don't kid yourself, Stevie is the funniest character on that show. I don't know if there'll be a 3rd season, my hunch is that there won't since Danny McBride is in a lot of movies now, but who knows, HBO has deep pockets.

Sacha Baron Cohen for his work on Da Ali G show (12 episodes). I've never seen it, but the movies spawned from his television characters have been pretty funny.

Jonathan Ames (Jason Schwartzman), Ray (Zach Galifianakis) and George Christopher (Ted Danzen) from Bored to Death (<20>

World Series Podcast

Click here to listen to my World Series Podcast with Burke Granger.

World Series: Pros(e) and Cons

The World Series begins tonight and very excited for it. Remember getting your license, or turning 21, or other cool things that made you excited? That’s how I feel: excited. However, everything about the World Series isn’t great, so I’ve made a list of some of the most important pros and cons revolving around the Fall Classic. Pro/Con always works.

PROS

1) Atmosphere è San Francisco and Arlington

I honestly believe these two cities had the best crowds out of all the teams that made the postseason. Crowd involvement might be my favorite thing about the playoffs.

2) Big Stage è Immortality

This is the most prestigious setting you’ll find anywhere in baseball. This gives players the opportunity to do amazing (terrible) things that absolutely take our breath away and sew their image into our brains forever. It can be just about anybody. Does Vlad have one huge series left in him? Pat Burrel (okay, I just made myself laugh)? Will a new star most people haven’t heard of emerge (Elvis Andrus)? Will it be one of the usual suspects (Josh Hamilton, Cliff Lee, Cody Ross, Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain)?

3) Second-Guessing every managerial decision (With Keith Law on Twitter)

Since is the biggest stage anywhere in baseball, every play, every decision becomes magnified and scrutinized. The commentator’s tend to weigh in and so does Keith Law, snarkily belittling every manager. It’s just fun.

4) Watching Grown Men Realize Their Dream (and hopefully cry)

This probably is actually my favorite part of postseason baseball. If you watch enough regular season baseball, you’ll notice players trying to get through the grind, robotically going through the motions of the seasonal day-to-day. We won’t see this in the World Series. Players care about this. A lot of these guys having been dreaming about the World Series since they were, I don’t know, 8? To see a 30-year-old dude win one and become emotional, well, it gives me chill bumps. Remember, we’re talking about dudes here, not girls who tend to cry over just about anything. “It’s one of the many defects of their kind, also, weak arms” (Dwight K. Schrute).

No, no, when you see a dude cry, you know something horrible, or something incredible has happened. It’s special.

5) It’s fucking awesome

CONS

1) Things

If you dislike fucking awesome things, you’re going to fucking hate the World Series.

2) ED Ads

I considered filing this under the “pro” column because ED ads have been known to make me giggle. Especially the one where the guy sees his reflection and the reflection asks him, “Well, are you gonna ask him?” Then the actual guy says, “Ask him about what?” Then the reflection says, “About our erectile dysfunction.”

I really thought that commercial was hilarious because it made me wonder what would happen the next time I knew my Dad was visiting the doctor, if I asked my Dad if he was going to ask his Doctor about our erectile dysfunction. He wouldn’t think it was funny, and I’d feel really uncomfortable after he didn’t laugh. That’s probably what would happen.

Sometimes I wonder why there are never any commercials for dental dams.

3) Game Length

This is really the worst part about postseason baseball. Since every decision becomes magnified, managers generally take more time with their decisions, and are more apt to making pitching changes. I bet this World Series will average about 3:20 per game during yes, I’m about to say it, the year of the pitcher.

4) Immediately Knowing A Horrible Call Has Been Made But Not Having The Ability To Change It

I heard Keith Law make the case for, steroids being worse for baseball than not having the use of instant replay. I think he’s right. At least so many people were using steroids that it was almost fair. Sure, many important records are now tarnished, but as steroids happened somewhat evenly throughout the game, bad calls do not happen evenly in the World Series and losing a game this important on a horseshit call is inexcusable. I hate seeing an instant replay 4 seconds after the play is finished showing a bad call was made. The amount games will be prolonged due to introduction of instant replay will be a smaller factor than the tragedy of a ruined World Series. The MLB should replay World Cup games prior to the World Series so the MLB lack of replay won’t look as terrible due to comparison.

5) World Series Means Baseball Season Is Finished

REDS!

It wouldn’t seem right if I didn’t take a little time to pick a World Series winner. I’ll take VERY little time, since it begins in two hours.

I give a slight pitching edge to the Giants because of their one-two and Brian Wilson’s beard. I know, I know, what about Cliff Lee? If Cliff has two World Series Games where he goes 8+IP, 2H, 0R, 11K, 0BB he will enter a strange realm. The realm I’m referring to is the “Obnoxious movie script” realm. Seriously, if Cliff Lee dominates this World Series and then there is a movie made where the main character is a Big League Pitcher who runs through two straight postseasons like Cliff Lee, it will seem too unrealistic to be believable/a good movie. Basically, I’m trying to say that some force has to make Cliff hittable in this World Series. It seems illogical for him to continue the way he has.

I give the Rangers a big edge in hitting, but in a 7 game series, how can you really know? You can’t, that’s why they play the games. I can’t believe I just said that shit.

If you’re keeping score, I just said the Giants have better pitching and the Rangers have better hitting, so who’ll win the Fall Classic? Well, I thought the Yankees and Phils had better teams that the Rangers and Giants respectively, so I’m picking the Giants to win this, if you know what I mean.

I hope the Rangers win though, so I can see Josh Hamilton cry when he’s asked to explain his journey from the Natural, to the addict, to World Series Champion. By the way, Josh’s life story would make the most ridiculously obnoxious, impossible movie script of all. God, I love sports.

Old Yellar (new podcast below. burke granger and i preview the AL and NLCS's)

I knew October 10^th, 2010 would be a memorable day. But I also kind of knew it would be memorable for all the wrong reasons. It was never my intention to create a blog where I inform the masses about my regular, day-to-day life. With this piece, I’ve decided to make an exception because last Sunday was special.

I remember visiting my mom’s parents a few times when I was little. The only way I can place my grandpa is in his golden recliner, either watching the Reds on television, or listening to them on the radio. Other than where he was from, and his occupation, that’s all I really know about him; he used to like the Reds. I also have a home video of my third birthday with my parents and brother, and my mom’s parents were also there. They sing happy birthday to me, and then Mom says to make a wish. I oblige and close my eyes to think of what I might want. While my eyes were closed, my 7-year-old brother thought it would be hilarious to blow my candles out, so he did. My Reds-loving grandpa yelled at my brother and my mom grabbed him by the ear. Between my Mom’s thumb and forefinger were my brother’s ear and the smoldering match, which she had lit the candles with and forgotten about. My brother screamed, cried, and called my mom a stupid-head in that order, making my third birthday my favorite birthday, easily.

Anyway, I know two things about that grandpa really; he loved the Reds and hated my brother.

The reason I thought October 10^th would be so memorable is because I had a few rarities that I was hoping to accomplish all on that day. I had planned to wake up and finish the book I’d been writing for 7 months. Then, I wanted to go to a bar in Columbus and watch the Browns and immediately leave after the game to be in Cincinnati in time for their first home playoff game in 15-years. It didn’t quite work out that way.

It turned out my aforementioned brother ended up calling me every 15 minutes to inform me that we were leaving an extra hour earlier. We ended up leaving Columbus at 11am to pick up our friends and get to Cincinnati in time to watch the Browns in a bar. It had to look strange to the locals. Five guys in Reds gear, yelling at the television every time the Browns screwed up.

If you’re keeping track, this is what’s happened so far: I thought I’d finish my book but couldn’t because we left for the game 6 hours before I thought we would, and I didn’t get to watch the Browns at my favorite bar in Columbus, and also, the Browns lost. The day wasn’t exactly going according to my plan.

After watching three hours of vomit-inducing quarterback play from the Browns, we made our way downtown to have a few more beers and get closer to the stadium. During the 15-minute drive I literally felt sick. For some reason, I began thinking about the movie, “Old Yellar.” I haven’t seen the movie since I was about 9 so my memory might be rusty. After Old Yellar is irreversibly stricken with rabies, they make the decision to shoot the dog. That Dad was ready to put the dog down, but his 12-year old son said he’d do it because, “she was my dog.”

I really wasn’t too excited to see the Reds play that home game because the series was at 0-2. Even if we had won that game, Roy Halladay was next. There was basically zero chance for the Reds after they got themselves behind two games. During the ride downtown, I thought of my Grandpa listening/watching every game. I thought of my Dad always having the games on as well. What else is there to do in Minster after you get off work? You watch the games, I guess. Finally, I thought about last season; how I was living by myself and didn’t have an operational television, not to mention, cable. I missed the entire ’09 Reds season and I hated it. I redeemed myself this season and caught just about every single game, and by the time we arrived at the stadium I thought, “This team is my dog.” I’m glad I was able to be there in person to witness the final game. It really was an amazing season.

Even though the day didn’t unfold exactly how I would have liked, it was still a memorable day. The first game I went to this season was about 1/3 of the way in. The Reds were playing the Cardinals, and actually ended up taking their first divisional lead that day. It was a gloomy Sunday and of course, half the stadium was vacant, and most of the people attending the game seemed pretty indifferent to the outcome. I remember saying to my buddy Jonathan that day, “Man, all I want is to go to a game where the stadium is full, and the crowd is actually into the game.”

Later in the season, I attended the division clinching game and went nuts with the rest of the crowd as Jay Bruce walked the Reds into the postseason for the first time in a decade in a half. That game fulfilled my wish, and it was granted again when I attended the playoff game a few weeks later. If only I had wished for a World Series Championship. Sigh.

Ham and Burke talk about Baseball (Ham and Burke Not Pictured)

One Week in Minster

I can’t believe kids who were born the day Tupac was fatally shot are now old enough to legallydrive moped’s. It’s been 14 years and in that time, I’ve been a bitter witness to the constant decay of hip-hop. Sometimes I sit and wonder what kind of difference 1 person could make in the music industry. What hip-hop might sound like today if Tupac were still recording new raps. I like to think that he wouldn’t have sold out and produced all the crap that we hear today, but who am I kidding, he probably would have. I know I would.

I can't believe Tupac was only 25 when he was murdered. Barely 25. I'll never forget September 13, 1996 and I'll always remember his birthday because it's one of my favorite lyrics in the song "Krazy."

June one, six, seven, one

the day

momma pushed me out her womb

told me n**** get paid

I can't believe the breadth of his music was accomplished by the time he was barely 25 years old. I'm almost 25 and I've yet to record a single gangster rap album. Time's a waistin'.

When I was 10 years old my brother did the smartest thing he has ever done, without question. He purchased All Eyez on Me. All Eyez on Me is Tupac Shakur’s debut album with Death Row Records, which was created after Suge Knight, the CEO of Death Row, bailed Tupac out of jail. Since the age of 10, this has been my favorite album of all time. Technically, this album belonged to my brother, but if you ever wanted to find it, the best place to check would have been my CD player. I absolutely wore that CD out; in fact, it’s about 15 feet from where I sit right now. The outside of ‘Book 1’ (the first CD) is cracked and I can’t hear the songs at the end of the CD (I aint mad at cha, trading war stories, and what’s your phone #). Book 2 is scratched to shit, but the songs are mostly audible. So, if anyone wants to get me a cheap birthday present, that will be one of my favorite gifts of all time...

I remember riding with my friend, J Boke, to a high school football game in Piqua, OH (Brandon Saine) in his full-conversion van, with RJ at the helm. Whatever radio station we were listening to took a music break to deliver some of the days news. I remember hearing the lady say Tupac Shakur had died. I remember being shocked and somewhat disturbed by the news, but I don’t think I was extremely devastated. I thought I had maybe misunderstood the lady, but I checked with J Boke, and he said that he had heard it too. I wasn’t quite the business mogul back then that I am today, so I couldn’t check my Blackberry, but I was pretty confident that I had just heard the bad news accurately. I think this news came shortly after my brother had purchased All Eyez on Me, so I wasn’t quite the fan, at that point, that I eventually became a few years later. However, it obviously had some sort of affect on me since after all, I was only 10 and I remember it today, fourteen years later. Sorry I said the word “news” twelve times that paragraph, there just aren’t many good synonyms for news. News.

No more than 2 weeks later, I was in my living room with my brother and Roy Rooster. At this time, MTV actually still played a few music videos and I remember “I ain’t mad at cha” came on. Like much of Tupac’s future catalogue, it was eerily prophetic. The video was set in heaven. Watching that video was the first time I realized that this ordeal was going to wind up being kind of a big deal in my life.

It became difficult for me to expand my Tupac collection shortly thereafter. This was when they began putting the “explicit content” warning on CD’s and I was forced to tell my mom it didn’t matter, because I had heard all the bad words before anyway. Sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn’t. Even though, I was usually shut down, I was persistent and ended up with nearly every album I wanted anyway. All Eyez on Me, The Don Killuminati (The Seven Day Theory), R U Still Down (Remember Me), Strictly for my N.*.G.G.A.Z; Greatest Hits, Until the End of Time, Better Dayz, Resurrection, and Pac’s Life. The great thing is that most of his albums were double CD’s (which is why I call them albums), so it was so much music for me to indulge in. And even though I had heard all of the bad words before, it all became pretty shocking when I grew up and could decipher what Tupac was actually talking about in his songs.

I developed an amazing idea last night, while I was sitting on the couch, thinking about how little I care about Virginia Tech, or Boise State. I saw a commercial for "One Night in Vegas" which will air tonight on ESPN and I wondered to myself, Why don’t I celebrate Tupac week? It’s genius. I’ll start celebrating this year, just by listening to large quantities of his music. The reason to celebrate Tupac week is because he was fatally wounded by gunshots on September 7^th, but didn’t pass away until a week later on the 13^th, which was a Friday in September of 1996, by the way. I guess the reason I had never celebrated a “Tupac Week” is probably because I had always celebrated “Tupac Year” from the ages of roughly, 10-18. I’ve briefly written about this before, in a silly facebook note with 25 random facts about me. I have an addictive personality and it’s the reason I’ve watched the same movie 3 times in one day on multiple occasions, and why from the (rough) ages of 10-18 I basically listened to Tupac exclusively. Every school year, my mom would cover my books and I'd fill all the covers with various Tupac lyrics, and it helped pass the time in school. It’s hilarious to think what I must have looked like; bumping Tupac in this breathtakingly stunning, 1988 Chrysler New Yorker Landau for the first 5 months I had my license.

I laugh reminiscing on the day Zoid and I were playing Nintendo in his basement, when his mom walked downstairs in time to hear the last minute and a half of “Hit ‘em up.” The album version, which we were listening to, continues to drop F-bombs for about an extra minute. Wow, that was uncomfortable. It’s weird; this blog isn’t as funny as I expected, but I also didn’t expect to make myself legitimately sad from writing this.

If you’re planning on listening to this last link on a fancy laptop, don’t even bother. The bass is what makes this song, and bass doesn’t come through on laptops. It's a remake of the classic, "Broken Wings," I suggest hooking it up to the best sound system in your house and blaring it as loud as legally possible.

Until the End of Time, one of my favorites and, oh, so appropriate.

Cya later, I'll be listening to Tupac for a week straight, and then maybe a year straight.

RIP Tupac.

Ham and Kurt talk about sports

HOT HOT HOT

I'm not good at apology's, so if it's all the same to you, I'd like to just skip it. Yes, this is where one would usually find my customary, "Apology Paragraph," for not posting anything to help temper the Hounds' insatiable thirst, but I'm not doing that. Anyway, I'm sorry. It's damn good to be back (large portions of this paragraph were taken from a conversation in, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, probably my favorite movie of all time).

It's been so hot, I can't do anything. If you're not from Ohio, you've probably heard of it a few times (a lot recently, because of the LeBron fiasco), because it has a few medium-sized cities, but you probably don't know much else about it. Ohio is in the eastern time zone. Something I feel like I wouldn't know if I weren't from Ohio. The other thing you probably wouldn't know, is how dreadfully humid it can be in the summer. This summer has been dreadful. Anyone remember about 3 years ago when it only went over 90 degrees once the entire summer, and it wasn't humid? That was awesome, and a complete 180 from this summer.

I've been relegated to sitting indoors, in the air conditioning. The latest thing I've gotten into is listening to Podcasts. How lame is that? I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's been so miserable and boring, I've listened to Bill Simmons Podcasts where he and a guest talk about Jersey Shore for a solid 40 minutes. He's done this on two different podcasts, and I sit and listen to it like an idiot. The worst part is, I've never even seen Jersey Shore, but I'm so bored that I listen to "The Sports Guy," analyze it for 80 minutes. In case you're wondering, I don't have a girlfriend.

I've basically become one of Bill Simmons' minions. Anything he talks about, or suggests, I dive right into, except Jersey Shore. I can't watch Jersey Shore because I don't like watching morons do moronic things. But I love listening to Bill. I even suggested he do a "Joe Pod" competition to get a regular person guest starring on the Pod. I'm just trying to get myself on the podcast. The way he emits his hard consonants is very pleasing, for some reason. He also does the typical, "mmm" sound when he's listening to someone else talk. I don't mean "mmm" like "this is really yummy, mmm." It's a shorter, grunting sound someone makes when another person produces an interesting point. Bill talks about Mad Men frequently, so of course, I started watching it. The first three episodes were painfully boring, and I literally fell asleep during all three. Since I'm a loser, this wasn't enough to completely turn me off of the show, so now, I'm through 5 episodes and it's picked up quite a bit. Mad Men has the best opening credits I've ever seen. I don't know why, but I love that opening sequence. Thanks to my man-crush on Bill Simmons and thanks to Mad Men, I've also recently developed my latest heterosexual crush on January Jones. Oh my.

Anyway

Maybe it's because every day I step outside at about 8:30 am, I immediately am covered in some kind of gooey sludge, commonly referred to as sweat. Maybe it's because playing softball, something I am typically thrilled to do, has seemed like a chore all summer. It might even have something to do with my strong opposition and hate for swass, but I'm ready for this summer to be over. I need some cooler temps, and less-liquid air.

Yeah I know, summer is supposed to be great, but it's just not my bag, okay? I do not possess anything close to physical supremacy (yet) and I forget everything I learned in those swimming lessons I endured 20 years ago. Because of these factors, I cannot swim to cool off, from fear of ridicule and death. I can't even fill the tub up too high if I decide to take a bath. What does this mean? Well, to be honest, after rereading these paragraphs, probably nothing. Basically, I'm just trying to hang on until fall; the greatest time of year.

If you think about it, and more importantly, if I think about it, this fall is shaping up to be about as good as I could have possibly hoped. What might bring on this childlike exuberance you're probably wondering. Sports, duh! First things first, the NFL is poised to commence in a few weeks. Although I'm not as passionate about my favorite NFL team (Browns) as I am in other sports, the NFL is the greatest sport to watch in its totality. Secondly, tOSU Buckeyes are just about the consensus #2 preseason team in the country. Actually, most sites have the Buckeyes as an odds-on favorite to win the national championship this season. I know it's early; nobody's played a game yet, but it's still cool to hear that. Terrelle Pryor is really poised to have a huge year. He's struggled (mightily) at times, but if one looked at Vince Young's career arc, it really turned around for him his third college season, and Terrelle plays a similar style game. Tressel recently said that his only worry about Pryor is that he may be working too hard in the offseason. Certainly, a very senatorial comment that we've come to expect from JT, but once again, it is something I like to hear. Also, it appears that Terrelle's acne is clearing up, which I'm sure he's excited about. I'm glad Terrelle has won his fight with "pizza face" and I'm sure he's happy to have that bout behind him. The only reason I feel I can make these comments is because I've struggled similarly with acne. For the record, I'm also entitled to be critical of German's because of my Germanity, which is a cool word I just made up. I felt kind of strange watching Inglorious Basterds, rooting for the Jews and Brad Pitt to kill all those German's, but fuck it, those krauts deserved it.

Speaking of kraut... The first full weekend in October is also designated for Oktoberfest in lovely Minster, Ohio. So much to look forward to. Here's an abbreviated list of the festivities... Half-gallon jugs of beer in everyones hand. Polka. Chuck-a-luck. Drunk Ronald getting talked into doing the "hedgehog" (this is probably wishful thinking, the hedgehog has been on the shelf for a few years). All kinds of gourmet sausages, as well as any other awesome, German foods. Arts and crafts. Grown, fat men in Lederhosen. Browns vs Bengals. Beer tray relay. Obvious underage kids drinking. Cops obviously looking the other way. Vomit.

I don't know the exact date when the calendar says it's officially fall, but to me, fall starts around the middle of September. This is when the MLB regular season will be winding down, and the playoffs will be looming on the brink. For the first time since 1999, the Reds are in the playoff hunt this late in the season. Yes, I know, baseball is boring to watch and even worse to read about, so I'll keep this portion short. I just need you all to know, that the playoffs are a big part of my life and should the Reds merit one of the 4 national league spots; I'll gladly forego day drinking Buckeye football games so I'm lucid for the Saturday night playoff game. Think about that! How many things are so important to you, that you would make a conscious decision to not drink during the day of a Buckeye football game? Sorry 20 year old ham, you will not be partaking in the 8:00am ritual beer-bong with J Spill.

I am yearning for cooler temperatures and thinner air. Put me in a hoodie and jeans; give me the Buckeyes, hopefully the Reds, the NFL, copious amounts of beer, Oktoberfest and more beer, then I'll be happy.

Is anyone getting excited for this world cup?

I think i was probably about 8 or 9 one summer, when my next-door neighbor and I were hanging out in a wooded area near our houses. We had recently built a horrible treehouse in the woods and had also recently decided that this was going to be our new, top secret place to do secret stuff, like heroin and crack. Okay, we were probably doing less heroin and crack and more hiding from my brother, who was supposed to be watching me. While my parents were at work, my brother was my supervision during the summer days. If I spent the entire day at the house with him, it was about a guarantee that he would at some point beat me up. Normally, I probably deserved it, but I hated it because when my parents returned home, if I told them Andy had beaten me up, I would get sent to my bedroom for tattling. To avoid this seemingly daily episode, I typically tried to hide somewhere within the neighborhood.

So, as "rooster" and I were chillin' in the woods, probably admiring our sweet treehouse that we were afraid to actually go in because it was too unstable, and doing whatever else 8 year olds do, we noticed that there were 3 traffic cones sprinkled about. I immediately thought that it would be awesome to steal these cones, but I couldn't construct an idea for what we might actually use them for. After mulling it over, rooster decided that we could use them to mark off soccer goals. It was a pretty strange idea because the two of us had only ever seen soccer on television, never played it in any kind of organization. I decided we would go with that plan though, because ultimately, I just wanted to carry the cones around. We carried the 3 cones to my backyard and probably used a baseball glove as the fourth marker we needed to create 2 goals. I had a soccer ball in my toy box, which I think I received as some sort of pizza hut giveaway, so we gave soccer a whirl. We played one-on-one soccer in my very large backyard, and after about seven minutes, we realized that one-on-one soccer in my very large backyard was incredibly boring. I couldn't understand why any sport would deliberately take away my ability to use my two, perfectly good, opposable thumbs. That day was basically the start and end of my soccer career, which was an entire day longer than my hockey and lacrosse careers.

Although I've never really played soccer or hockey, I've grown up to find them very exciting to watch. I love hockey on television and it's my favorite sport to attend in person. But soccer is different. The passion involved in soccer, by attending soccer fans, seems to be unparalleled in sports. Every national soccer game I see on television, the crowd always seems to be a bunch rabies-stricken people ready to eat anything that gives them a dirty look. And that is what I love about soccer.

I honestly get so excited for the World Cup; it's kind of embarrassing. It's embarrassing because most of my friends are still people I grew up with in my hometown. These people also have never played soccer and so most of them don't care about it. I have no one to talk to about the World Cup, so I guess it's a great topic to blog about.

I have to try to temper my excitement about this world cup, however. Last summer I watched as the US national team advanced to the Championship match of some major tournament after defeating Spain, the world's #1 ranked team. Clearly, I'm not a soccer expert, and wouldn't claim to be, but from what I saw last summer, it seemed that the US soccer team was a bit of a fluke. I remember watching games where we were seemingly outplayed, but managed a 2 minute burst where we would score a deciding goal. I felt like I saw this same story play out about 3 times during that tournament. Every analyst talked about how great America was playing because after all, America was winning, but they didn't want to point out that we were routinely being outplayed. We see these kind of things in hockey or soccer, where if a team can steal a goal, they can win while being outplayed. Sure, a basketball team can be outplayed and still win, but if you make 1 lucky three-pointer it usually doesn't end up being the deciding factor in the game. I think the US will have to win some games in which they've been outplayed to have success in this tournament. Maybe I'm just a doubter.

There are a few other, more recent events which make me worried about the US chances in the upcoming World Cup. First off, I heard an interview with Landon Donovan a few weeks ago, and Colin Cowherd asked if the US really is the 15th best soccer team in the world (that's about where we're currently ranked). Landon paused and said, "uh, yeah, I think so." It seems to me, that if Landon really believed that, he wouldn't have needed to take the extended pause. It sounded similar to when I tell the officer that I thought I was only going 65. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Uh, yeah, 65 I think, you know, the exact speed limit."

In worldwide events, I think America tends to get more publicity than other nations and ends up being a little more highly ranked than what they've actually merited. Landon probably knows that they're not in the top 15, but he also doesn't want to say otherwise. I've also seen on ESPN that the team is currently suffering from many injuries. Most of them are injuries that linger and need extended periods of time to fully heal, things like ankle sprains. Not to mention, one of our most dynamic players, Charlie Davies, was left off the team.

All in all, the US is the second ranked team in their four-team division entering round robin play of the World Cup. The top two of the four teams in each group will then advance to the round of 16. I lean towards being a pessimist, but I have a feeling that the US will not make it out of pool play.

That being said, I invite you all to cheer on America with me June 12, against England. USA USA USA!!!

Mrs. Thomas, Technology and Sports

I think we're all very fortunate to be living in the time in which we currently find ourselves. The reason I feel this way is because of all the fascinating technology that we will see in our lifetimes. Surely, this can be said about any generation because technology very rarely digresses and the rate at which new stuff comes out continues to increase. So, little bitty babies being born right now, 24 years after me will, no doubt, see a lot cooler things than I ever will, but I do think that we generation y'ers have had a unique view of major technological change. The entire computerization of America has been an incredible event to witness; an utterly world changing series of events that we were all here for. Cell Phones. Smart Cars. Television Quality. Dippin' Dots.

Even with this recent bombardment of amazing toys for us to tinker with as adults, I can't help but feel that we're on the fringe of something that's even greater. We're already on the quest for whatever may be next. I don't think anything as revolutionary as the computer is coming soon, but I also wouldn't rule it out either. I mean, I'm not prepared to say that teleportation isn't possible. It could be developed in a decade or so. Can you imagine working in Alaska and living in Columbus? This could become a reality with a teleporter.

Someone is also probably working on the flying car, which would definitely change the world. I think the flying car could be coming soon, airplanes were invented so long ago, don't they just have to make them smaller now? I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

Let me take you through my life and document the changes in technology I've seen. I promise, I will talk about sports, but not until later, so keep reading ladies.

When I was very young, I remember playing with red and green toy farm machinery, I think the same crap that either my mom or dad (not sure which family these toys came from) grew up fooling around with. Really, pretty mundane toys. I then remember getting an etch a sketch, a remarkably advanced toy compared to my miniature, red tractor. Later, I received the holy grail of toys, the Lite Bright. Playing with this toy not only taught me how to endure grand mal seizures, it also made me realize that I was about to see some wild shit, technologically, when I grew up and 7 year old ham was right, per usual. Overall, I probably didn't have a very eclectic experience in my youth, toywise.

I was also around for the video game explosion. I very vaguely remember having an atari at home, and although I know there were gaming systems prior to the atari, I still feel like it was the first relevant gaming system. I also feel like the joysticks probably helped a lot of younger boys accidentally discover masturbation. I remember getting a nintendo on christmas one year, JACKPOT. It still has some of the most entertaining games I've ever played on any system (Bases Loaded 4, I'm unstoppable with Hawaii). I never had an SNES but I was able to get a Sega, which was pretty good, but I preferred the Nintendo. Then there were weird things like Sega Saturn but later Nintendo 64 and Playstation were released. I was given a Nintendo 64 one year for christmas as well, but my desire to play video games basically died out shortly thereafter. I have played about every gaming system though, with HALO being the only game which I occasionally get the itch to play.

I also remember the advancement of computers. I remember going to first grade, and I can visualize my 1st grade room but I can't place if there was a computer in it. I'm pretty confident that it didn't have a computer at that point. This is what I can remember from first grade. I remember my teacher Mrs. Thomas, saying that her husband, Bill (whom I've never met), birthday was October 25th, which I remember because that is my birthday. I remember one day when Stephanie asked me, "what color goes good with yellow?" To which I replied, "I'm not sure. I should know this, though, my mom sells Mary Kay." Flawless logic. I also remember dropping my lunch ticket in the toilet. One thing I do not remember from first grade, that my mom told me about when I was in fourth grade was making fun of a kid for not being able to read. My mom said that Mrs. Thomas had told her at a PTA meeting that while a classmate was reading aloud, and stumbling on the words, I said something like, "can you hurry up already?" out loud. As I previously stated, I don't remember this incident and I think Mrs. Thomas probably confused me with the class bully that particular night. Anyway, I guess the whole situation apparently went down like this.

Skip ahead two years to third grade and I know for sure, at this point every classroom in the school had a computer. This is probably when I began to beg my parents for a computer. It was a difficult process for me too, because all I really wanted a computer at home for was to play minesweeper. I had a rough time explaining why this would be useful in our home at the tender age of 9. Eventually dad caved, and we purchased our first ever computer. I quickly began a quest to set records for every level of minesweeper. Unfortunately, and I probably could have mentioned this earlier, I didn't even know the object of minesweeper. I just liked clicking until it made me start over.

Skip ahead another year and I sat in a computer lab for computer class. The towers on these computers had something extra, I was told it was called CD-Rom. This CD-Rom enabled us to play sweet games like, "Sell Lemonade" and "Oregon Trail." Naturally, I went home and started my campaign for CD-Rom. Like clockwork, mom and pop caved and I found myself sabotaging my own family on Oregon Trail so I could put things on the tombstone like, "Here Lies 'Fart'," or "Here Lies 'a studmonkey' (an incredibly popular phrase in my youth)".

Next came the internet, which changed the entire world, obviously. After the changing of the entire world, my parents got the internet as well and I started my new life as a music pirate. Then cell phones were popularized and I received my first one on Christmas during my junior year of high school. It was awesome; it had a calculator and could place phone calls. This technology baffled me for a period of time. I remember wondering how exactly my cell phone worked, I probably still don't know for sure, but I've quit thinking about it. Anyway, I remember coming home one weekend night and the power was out at my parents house. I took out my beloved cell phone and opened it up, I remember thinking, "the power is out but my cell still works." I was completely dumbfounded and perhaps not coincidentally, I was also drunk as shit.

Once the internet blew up, sports coverage began to prevail everywhere, making every sport accessible to nearly all willing consumers. I have absolutely no reason to like hockey as much as I do, but someone like me, who is so enveloped in other sports, eventually just can't stay away from it. Now, it is my favorite sport to watch in person and my second favorite sport overall. I only have the proliferation of the internet, television broadcasting and the laziness of myself to thank for finding this new sport I so enjoy.

I think since the time I received my first cell phone in December 2003, there hasn't been a great deal of brand new technologies developed that have quite affected our lives as much. Sure, computers and cellphones have gotten exponentially better, but I think we're due for something earth shattering to come out. I was pondering this possibility during my last Minster to Columbus drive and it was weird, I got really excited. I really believe we are going to see some wild, wacky innovations in the near future.

One idea that my brain eventually locked in on was 3D television. I know, it already exists, but I began to think about my first experience with it. I saw Avatar in 3D at the imax in Columbus, and although I hated the movie, it was visually incredible. I fast-forwarded my thinking to about ten years from now. I'm predicting that 3D televisions will be standard in households with everything on television being broadcast in 3D. At this point I basically began to flip out just thinking about how amazing that will make sports-watching. I thought about baseball, having a camera right behind the umpire in 3D, the pitch will be coming right at us and seeing it fly away after the batter makes his connection. Even cooler will be foul tips that seemingly, barrel right back towards us. I then thought about its impact on the NHL; already the most visually stimulating game to watch in HD. White ice, blue and red lines, colorful jerseys (sweaters) and people skating all over the place. A 3D camera on the net, having pucks fly directly at us, only to be snatched by the goalies arm that swings out from right in front of us. It's going to be absolutely breathtaking.

So that's basically it.

I've been thinking about this blog quite frequently over the past few weeks. I usually don't take the time to post on it and when I do, it's really only for about a handful of readers. While I really, really appreciate the following I do get, I think there is something I need to change. I like to write about sports but so do about 100,000,000 other people and I'm far from the best at it. I've really only told about 4 people that I've started to write a novel and I'm sure half of the 6 people who started reading this have stopped by now. So about 7 people know now. Keep it quiet. My novel is about 40% autobiographical and while writing it, I've reminisced about so many weird times in my life. Times which aren't necessarily shocking or amazing but have left vivid images in my brain (see the "what color goes with yellow" story above). I'm trying to find my niche on this blog. While I will never be the best sports writer, I am most definitely the best writer of my life. So this post will usher in a series of posts, which I'll refer to as the "Vivid Images Series," which will incorporate a specific memory of my life into whatever topic I choose to write about.

Ok, I think I'm done here, sorry about the length.

Never had to apologize for that before (ZING!)