I spent the summer of 1985 taking a magical road trip with two of my great buddies, Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley. Why don't we just dive right into it
Events occur in real time.
The three of us met in the early 70's at George Washington Kindergarden in Albuquerque, NM. That's right, we did all that kid stuff together. We had the kind of relationship that would really make Dr. MLK Jr. proud and my Grandma a little uncomfortable. We were later split up in middle school and then there was that period of time where I was cryogenically frozen... I emerged years later, better looking than Michael and slightly less round than Charles Barkley and we rekindled our friendship for one great summer/fall trip.
Unfortunately, Michael and I did have a friendly tiff at one point. We found ourselves on competing sides of the underwear business and I can admit, he got the better of me on that one. His, "Look who we've got our Hanes on now." played to the audience a little better than my, "Hey, why aren't you wearing my underpants?" slogan. That's neither here nor there.
Our JOURNEY began in Chicago
We left Chicago on May 30 and headed to Boston because I had never been there. The NBA Finals was going on between the celtics and lakers, MJ and Charles wanted to see it for some reason. On May 31, we drove through Ohio and Pennsylvania and we narrowly escaped the 41 tornadoes to hit the area. 76 people were killed that night but my sweet VW bus carried us through the storm. It was a scary kind of night, lightning, thunder and tornadoes everywhere, it was really something for ONLY THE YOUNG. The entire time Barkley was very scared, saying things like "we're never gonna make it." "There's lightning all around us." and "I haven't been to a casino in days." I calmly told him, "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN.'" There was shit flying everywhere and we even saw a WHEEL IN THE SKY, it was seriously about 45 feet in the air just zipping around like crazy, luckily, we made it through. Michael did have to give Charles a pair of his signature underpants.
We made it to Boston Early, the Lakers had a 2-1 lead and were playing in LA at that point, so we hung around bean town and got drunk a few nights. Charles Barkley insisted he would drive home every night. He's a shockingly good driver when intoxicated. Charles stated over and over that the Lakers would win and He and MJ had a huge wager on it. I think it was about 15000 clams. Charles began spending money like hot cakes because he FAITHFULLY believed in the lakers. On June 9 we did attend game 6 where the Lakers won the series with a 111-100 win. Charles went nuts and MJ didn't appreciated it. MJ wanted his underpants back immediately, so Charles took them off right there, amidst all the confetti, which really just made the celebration more fun, until we got kicked out. I saw my old friend Robert Parish sulking and asked him if he needed someone to talk to. "No," Robert said, "I'LL BE ALRIGHT WITHOUT YOU." "Ok, good, because butterball Charles just got us kicked out. Cya friend."
After those festivities we traveled to Newport News, VA to visit one of Charles' buddies, Mike Vick. Mike offered to take us to his church and then later tour his local library but Charles suggested going to a dogfight. Michael said, "that seems pretty unethical but you are my guests so, ANY WAY YOU WANT IT." We arrived at the dog fight and Charles was throwing around all kinds of money. The rest of us were pretty uncomfortable especially Michael Vick. MV, MJ and I left to play horse on a local bball court. I ended up winning from a shot that went off an el camino and into the hoop. We returned to the fight to hear the shrill, high pitched shriek, of a little girl who just had her barbie collection stolen. Immediately, I knew it was Charles, but I still asked, "WHO'S CRYING NOW?" Turns out Charles lost most of his career earnings, and one of his fingers (yes, he bet a finger) on a dog named wiggles. I'm not sure why he bet on a dog named wiggles but Charles was now broke.
After the event we all felt pretty terrible about what we had witnessed and lost. Michael Vick, a self-proclaimed, cat person and us went our SEPARATE WAYS (WORLDS APART).
The road trip was pretty much over at this point. We had seen the clinching game of the NBA finals and visited Charles Barkley's old friend Mike Vick. I drove the three of us back to Chicago to drop MJ off. He wanted to get back to work on his turn around fade away shot, which is something I taught him while we played horse. We approached Chicago and it was the first time I had ever seen it at night, there were so many LIGHTS! Seemed like a really cool place for the greatest basketball player of all time to live. Since we were in Chicago at night, I asked MJ to show me around. I parked my Volkswagen bus and we went out and tied on a serious buzz.
I awoke the next morning and went to go grab my VW, I couldn't find it. I saw a bum sleeping where my bus was. I asked him if he saw what happened to it. He said he saw some Libyan nationalist take it, he also said they were talking about going to Hill Valley, California.
Our road trip was supposed to be over, but I loved that van. MJ loaned me a car and I headed to hill valley to get my bus back. Charles decided to go back to Philly since California was a little bit out of his way. He gave MJ a hug good-bye. They were LOVIN', TOUCHIN', SQUEEZING', and I gotta say, it seemed borderline gay. After their embrace had ended Charles turned to me. I looked at him, standing there with his parachute pants, jerry curl and his OPEN ARMS and I opted for a handshake. Charles was visibly disappointed because apparently, one hug wasn't enough but homie don't play that.
I tore outta Chicago on a serious mission, had to get my sweet VW bus back. I had a lot of sweet times and I wasn't about to roll over and let the libyans have it. I was making sweet time, I was able to arrive in Hill Valley, California June 27th. I spent the first couple days driving around tirelessly, looking for my beloved bus. Unfortunately, there was no sign of it and I was running out of funds. I was about ready to call it quits but I didn't have enough money to make it back to Ohio. I planned on finding a job and saving up to get back. I saw a flyer posted by a mad scientist named Doc Brown. I met him and agreed to help him with his experiments but I was sworn to secrecy on what I would be seeing. Coincidentally, the Libyans with my VW bus, who I was looking for, were now looking for me. I also met Marty Mcfly and his girlfriend Jennifer, who also helped Doc out. By mid October, I had made enough money to get back to Ohio and I had all but given up on seeing my VW again. Marty kept complaining about Jennifer getting on his nerves and I said, "come on, GIRL CAN'T HELP IT." Doc's project seemed to be going nowhere. I told Marty and Doc good-bye and told Marty to SEND HER MY LOVE. Then I left.
That night Doc had a breakthrough and he convinced me to stay. He was getting close to creating a working time machine. I just needed to help him a little longer.
On October 25, 1985 I received a telephone call that a baby was born. This baby was said to an Adonis of man. He was incredibly good looking. He had a head of hair that reportedly made John Stamos jealous. He was rumored to be the best looking baby in the history of babies. It was later proven to be a fact.
I then received another phone call that day from Doc, we were going to test out the time machine that night. We were in a strip mall parking lot ready to test out the machine when the Libyans, who were driving my VW bus drove up and shot Doc. I knew things were about to get real crazy, real quick so I yelled to Marty, "BE GOOD TO YOURSELF." I had a feeling I'd never see him again. Marty hopped in the time machine and I ran to the car MJ had lent me. We both chased the libyans, wanting revenge for Doc, and my damn car back. We were driving pretty fast and Marty just disappeared. I'd say we were going about 88 mph. I was not phased, I continued chasing. Eventually, the Libyans stopped and just started shooting at me. I stopped as well, took out my heat and unloaded many rounds on them. I killed them all, killed dead.
I hopped back in my VW bus and drove back to Ohio. I didn't really know what to do with MJ's car so I left it in Hill Valley.
The events of that road trip really did leave me with an amazing story, it was just a little anti-climactic.
SCENE
NFL WEEK 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since I have returned to fantasy football this year and exited the work force, I'm going to be watching a lot of NFL this year. I'm going to at least see highlights of every game played, guaranteed. I'm going to acquire so much useless NFL knowledge, so I'm going to put it on my blog. I'm going to pick every game every week and tell you if they will cover the spread. You gotta give until about week 6 to shake all the rust off though...
I'm going to say which team will win and the team who, I believe, beats the spread will be in caps.
Week 1
TITANS @ Steelers (-5)
I have to Steelers winning this one. Way back in blog 1 I didn't want to pick the steelers to win the super bowl and I also didn't want to say that Santonio Holmes would be the MVP because I thought it would be too much of a stretch. Both would have been correct so this year I'm going to say exactly what I think, no matter how ridiculous it might turn out.
Anyway, the steelers are too deep everywhere to lose this one. Santonio is going to have a huge year, I believe Hines Ward got older during the offseason and Nate Washington is gone so Santonio is going to "blaze it up" this year. Get it?
DOLPHINS @ falcons (-4)
Well, kinda hard to go against that solid running game and error free play at quarterback from the falcons but I'm doing it anyway. Chad Pennington is one of the most underrated quarterbacks in the league, doesn't have the strongest arm but he just gets it done. Dolphins winning a week 1 swing game in Atlanta
chiefs @ RAVENS (-9)
Wow, Chiefs. Matt Cassel is Questionable. Hey, he didn't bring Randy Moss and Wes Welker with him from New England, did he? Top two WR's, I have never heard of, backup QB (get ready buddy) I've never heard of you either, gonna be a long season for the chiefs.
Look for Flacco to mature A LOT this year and the Ravens D to dominate. They are gonna be really good.
eagles (-1) @ PANTHERS
This should be a really nice contest (look at the spread). I see two pretty even teams offensively and I think the eagles just get more national attention and that is why they are favored. I'm going with the panthers though.
BRONCOS @ bengals (-3.5)
it's sad for me to see the bengals make a pretty positive turn around because I don't think the browns have made that much progress. I do like the bengals to win this game because of their improved defense, in fact, they were already improving last year. I guess you're gonna look good defensively when you play the browns twice, though. Chris "slim" Henry is going to have a huge year and I wish I had picked him up in fantasy late when he was still available. I will be very interested to see what Orton looks like outside of chicago though.
VIKINGS (-3) @ browns
I don't wanna give myself false hope or bias this incredibly professional blog. I'll put it in simple, short sentences
Browns don't know who their quarterback is.
Vikings have the most dominant player in the league (antoine winfield).
They also have an unknown guy named AP
Unless Brett Favre throws 3 pick 6's...
Browns lose big
Braylon has pan hands
have you ever caught a football while holding 2 pans?
me either
jets @ TEXANS (-4.5)
NFL team + rookie QB = the opposite of a win
Texans big
andre johnson
JAGUARS @ colts (-7)
I like the colts to win here but I am curious to see how they will look this year w/o tony dungy. Anthony Gonzo will have a huge year this year w/o marvin harrison.
lions @ SAINTS (-13)
rookie QB>= vet QB + 0-16 last year = lose to drew brees big
COWBOYS (-4.5) @ Tampa bay
Damn it, I hate the cowboys
Jason Witten and marion the barbarian are cool though
RAMS @ seahawks (-7.5)
look for the seahawks to be a surprise factor in the NFC this year. Seahawks win but that spread is too big
49ers @ ARIZONA (-6.5)
I wonder what michael crabtree's market value is... outside of the NFL I mean. Make a deal!!!!!
REDSKINS @ giants (-6.5)
I feel like game after game, year after year, I have to watch the giants to see if Eli Manning is good.... I like them to win but not cover
bears @ PACKERS (-4.5)
I wonder how cutler will look in Chicago... probably pretty damn good but not in week 1.
BILLS @ patriots (-10.5)
I like the pats to win but i'm not sure tom is all the way back. I'll need to see it in the regular season first....
CHARGERS (-9) @ raiders
raiders
suck
i'm
taking
the
chargers
to
cover
NINE
points
on
the
road
