Week 10 Predictions Video Style

So this bum was a dancing machine.  His moves were so sexy it would have made Lance Bass horny.  Yes, I'm sure Michael Jackson was looking down at this moment with great appreciating and maybe even envy.  

Fall CLASSIC!

Notice how I've made classic all caps in the title?  That's because I want to emphasize how sweet this series will be.  Pretty smart, huh?  I really want to encourage people to tune into this series because it should be astounding.  We are at a time where football continues to flourish (college and the extremely top-heavy pros) and basketball gets increasingly better ratings from the younger demographic.  Baseball ratings are pushed by the older male demographic (try to count how many ED commercials you see if you choose to watch any of the world series, it's brilliant) and I don't see my generation replacing that demographic when we're 50.  I just don't see it.  For the most part, we like fast-paced games where things happen frequently.  We don't want to wait 2 minutes to watch a 1-1 pitch turn into a 2-1 count.  I get that.  It's why I don't berate people for disliking baseball, even though I love it.  

Have you ever seen the movie "Knocked Up?"  If you answered, "no" I hate you.  Remember the scene at the playground where Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan are having the conversation about bubbles?  Paul Rudd's character says he doesn't like anything as much as his kids like bubbles because he has grown up and his life is mundane.  I can relate to that sentiment but starting tonight at 7:57 ET I will have discovered my bubbles, even if they pop within a week and a half. 

So, besides my (and your) love for watching commercials with ever-flaccid men, there are other reasons to catch this years' World Series.  First of all, the Yankees... love 'em, hate 'em, they make the world series worth watching because it matters to most of us if they win or lose. Sorry Tampa Bay, you're a nice story and you make the Reds and Indians (the '09 and future) seem relevant but you just don't make anybody emote.  Rooting against a team is just as good a reason to watch a game.  I think I get more excited to hate Notre Dame every Saturday than love the Buckeyes while they play another terrible Big Ten team.  Remember a few years ago when there was a heavy sentiment that was like, "I wish the ALCS was the World Series and the NLCS series was just for third place?  Yeah, from top to bottom the AL is easily better than the NL but the Phils have a real AL feel to them... and by that I mean they can hit the shit out of the ball.  From 1-8 in the lineup these teams match up really well.  Let me talk about 4 important factor in this world series and 1 pseudo important factor.  

1.  Nerves.  I think sometimes we feel that professional athletes don't do certain things because they ARE professional athletes.  I want to remind everybody that these athletes are people and I'm guessing their nerves are different in the world series compared to game 132 in the regular season.  There are big names in this world series who have never been there, namely, A Rod, CC and Cliff Lee and it will be interesting to see how they react.  I think the Phillies have been amazingly cool throughout the postseason, especially Ryan Howard.  They just seem like a team who knows they are going to win and they never panic.  I think think the Phils have that in their lineup and the Yankees have it in their pitching staff.  CC and Mariano Rivera are prime examples of this.  CC would pitch every game in the World Series if his arm would allow it.  Down the stretch of the season and playoffs, he loves it.  Nerves ARE GOING to be a factor for Brad Lidge but Charlie Manuel is treating the 9th inning like the 7th, and 8th innings and just playing the matchups.  Something, I believe, more teams should do (I think the only reason some team have "closers" is because the save is a stat).   I'm giving the Phils an edge in the nerves department because their lineup is soooo cool and I believe that if some of the Yankees struggle they will start to press and not hit very well.  

2. Starting Pitching.  The Yankees have the advantage in this category.  CC against Cliff Lee (a poor-mans CC) Burnett has electric stuff when he is on and also Andy Pettitte.  I do not like Pedro Martinez who is starting game 2 for the Phillies because he is only a couple starts back since finishing his rehab.  You can't really know what to expect from him and, he should be starting game 3.  Game 3 is in Philly where the Yankees would have to use a DH and help Pedro out a little bit, it would also allow him to probably get a few hitters deeper into the ballgame.  

3. Timely Hitting.  I keep thinking about the last weeks' ALCS game where Mariano came in with a runner on 3rd and no outs.  He didn't let up a run.  Don't expect to see that against this Phillies lineup.  I think this will also go back to a "nerves" thing, in big spots at the plate I believe the Phillies will be more relaxed and able to come up with the big hit.  I also think that if the Yankees lose the first game in NYC the atmosphere will be very tense for them in game 2 which will also be in NYC.  I give the Phillies an advantage in this category.

4. Base Running.  The Phillies have had an extremely high success rate over the past couple season when stealing bases.  I believe the Yankees will be able to mitigate this strength of the Phillies.  They have CC and Pettitte, who leads the league in pick-offs.  These two are both left-handed which just makes it harder to steal off them.  The Yankees also have the solid defensive Molina catch Burnett when he pitches.  The Yankees also steal a lot of bases and the Phillies won't be able to guard against this as much so they will have the advantage in this category.  

5. Defense.  You'll see analysts saying who has the better defense and that it's an edge in the series.  Most of the time, I think that's crap.  MLB players, specifically infielders, are so good defensively, it's really unbelievable, it's something the average person doesn't notice.  Defensive miscues are usually pretty rare enough that you cant predict in a 7 game series who is going to commit more.  You definitely can't predict in what kind of spot they are going to come in.  Will there be an error that extends an inning and allows a team to score 5 extra runs and thus take a 2-0 series lead instead of losing and evening up the series at 1?  Or will the error be followed by a guy who grounds into a double play?  I'm not trying to say that defense isn't important, I'm saying that they are relatively infrequent occurrences and you just can't predict where they will happen in this series.  

In closing, this should be a very exciting series... I really hope the Phillies win but I think the Yankees will be victorious.  I also really hope to see a game 7, since none of the first round series went five games and neither of the AL&NLCS' went 7.  I hope you all take some time to tune in and watch my bubbles. 

Week 7 Picks are here... sorry for the wait, Fujinopolis..

As you know buy now, I'm basically giving you all the chance at free money with these picks.  But if you want to get technical... this is how I did last week.

I picked 9 teams to win correctly, I was smarter than Vegas 9 times against the spread and vs. the O/U I picked 8 games right with one push.  9/14 against the spread is pretty good, I'll take it.  

Week 7

Okay, well before I start predicting games I'd like to point out that the games this week are pretty good.  Actually they are really good... they are borderline great, but I don't want to overhype them.  Normally, as you know, my picks are solid, money in the bank, taxes, death, my picks... that kind of deal.  I wouldn't be surprised if I got about 4 correct against the spread in week 7 because these games are WEIRD.  

Chargers (-5) @ CHIEFS under 44

The Chargers are coming off a loss that really ruined their season.  Do they give up?  Do they come out trying to redeem themselves?  Last Sunday the Chiefs did something they hadn't done yet, win.  The Chiefs beat the Redskins.  BTW, the Chiefs were +210 straight up... thanks sportsbook.com.  I like the Chiefs to ride that momentum (?) and keep it close but the Chargers have better personnel and a running back (LT) whose career is farther away from being over (LJ).  

COLTS (-13.5) @ Rams over 45

I just woke up from a six year nap.  "Do the Colts still have Peyton Manning?"  ok.  "Do the Rams still have Kurt Warner?" oh... "What about Orlando Pace?" ew... "Tori Holt is probably getting pretty old too, huh?" Oh, they don't have him either... "Who is Steven Jackson?"

P.S. Bob Sanders is back this week.  

VIKINGS @ Steelers (-5) over 45

This is one of those difficult games of week 7.  What Sticks out to me are the turnovers the Steelers had against the Browns last week.  I'm also aware that the Steelers are (1-5) against the spread this year... the Vikings are (4-2).  The Vikings have AP who is the best RB in the League but the Steelers have Mendenhall who is quickly becoming a beast of a man.  I think Jared Allen and the boys will get to Big Ben more than usual (Ben gets sacked a ton) and it will have an affect on the game.  I think the Vikings pull this out in a very interesting/exciting contest.  

PATRIOTS (-15) vs Tampa under 45

Here is a Lemon, London.  Make some lemonade.  I'm glad we got this game out of the contiguous United States.  

49ers @ TEXANS (-3) over 44

Week in and week out I have no idea what the Texans are gonna look like.  I'm going to assume they'll have one of their good games and beat the '9ers.  This will be a interesting game to watch Nate Clements to see if he can really earn that money against one of the top 5 WR's in the NFL.  

Jets (-6.5) @ OAKLAND over 35

Is Mark Sanchez regressing or did he just have 1 bad game?  This is a good game to see where he is at.  The Jets should win but Oakland is coming off a very good win and the Jets are coming off a terrible loss.  We will see how each team reacts.  I like Oaktown to cover but lose a close one.  

BILLS @ Panthers (-7) under 36.5

Well, this is a terrible game.  These two teams have some similarities, they are both awful and they both will have a lot of free time come January.  I gotta give this game to the Panthers because both teams' strength lie with their running game and the Panthers running game is better.  Bills cover.

BEARS @ Bengals (-1) over 42.5

Take away week 1 and the Bears have had a pretty good season... you could say the same for the Bengals.  Unfortunately, week 1 counts.  How will Cedric Benson do against his former team? I'm intrigued by Johnny Knox, I think he and J Cut will expose the Bengals a bit and bring home the W.

SAINTS (-6.5) @ Miami over under 47

I've seen a few analysts/Colin Cowherd pick the Dolphins because of their ability to control the clock against the Colts and their offense.  I don't buy that.  Saints are 5-0 against NFL teams and 5-0 against Vegas spreads.  They haven't had a close game yet.  I'm taking the Saints to cover every game until they don't.  Miami's cute little offense isn't gonna be enough yet.  

FALCONS @ Cowboys  (-4.5) over 47.5

The Falcons are coming off two quality wins and the Cowboys are getting worse every week.  That is all I thought about before I decided that the Falcons will win.  Then I thought, "Wade Phillips likes pizza."  Then I giggled, in a manly way.  

CARDINALS @ Giants (-7) over 46

This is my favorite game of the week.  We will learn a lot about the Giants after getting torn apart in New Orleans.  The Cardinals are 2-0 on the road and are involved in a tight race in the NFC West.  I like Tim Hightower to have a big game receiving out of the backfield and the Cardinals to take it down to China Town.  You also have to like the experience of the Cardinals receiving core over the Giants'.  I think the Cardinals win especially if Eli's heel starts barkin' (not that I'm rooting for that).  

EAGLES (-7) @ Washington under 37.5

The Eagles have a lot to prove after last week and luckily for them, they are playing the worst team in the NFL (in my humble opinion, of course).  The Redskins have some good skill position players (A. Randle El, Portis and Santana Moss) but they have just been terrible.  

There isn't a spread on the Browns game... I'm guessing because 12 players have the flu.  Somewhere Braylon is smiling.  

I'm not proofreading this 

ALCS.........NLCS

I would like to take this opportunity to discuss the ALCS (American League Championship Series) and the NLCS (National League Championship Series).  Now, you may be thinking, 'why are you talking about baseball? Baseball isn't football.'  Well, while you have a valid and compelling point... I like baseball so that's that and I'm Mr. That's That.  I believe the name is of Latin origin.  

ALCS

Angels vs. Yankees

If you've followed baseball this year you will know that the Yankees finished the regular season with the best record in baseball with over 100 wins.  They have a solid offensive lineup and one of the best pitchers in the league with CCCCCCCCCCCCCC Sabathia.  Many people think the Yankees will walk with this series but I'M HERE TO TELL YA this should be a good series.  Yes, the Yankees did have the best regular season record in baseball but who was second?  Ding, ding, ding, you guessed it, the Angels.  The Angels set an MLB record for having 11 players with 50+ RBI... how does that even happen?  The Yankees signed Mark Teixeira (two e before i's in one name!) from the Angels for big bucks.  He has been legit.  Kendry Morales filled in Marks position for the Angels and put up comparable numbers for considerably less money.  That will be an interesting matchup, let's see who does better between Kendry Morales and Mark Teixeira.  

One thing the Yankees have decided to do is go with a three man rotation.  I think that is a great call because this means CC can pitch 3 games this series.  Remember what he did for the Brewers after the trade deadline last season to get them in the playoffs??  Yikes!  CC has taken heat for underperforming in the playoffs but he looked good in the first round this year. Another thing the Yankees have is their lineup.  It is honestly pretty amazing.  There aren't any easy outs in it and they can really wear on a pitcher.  That being said, they didn't produce many runs against the Twins, who were depleted after playing game 163.  So, besides having CC go 3 games if needed and having probably the best offensive lineup in the MLB, another advantage the Yankees have is the Angels closer.  Yes, Brian Fuentes for the Angel's is left handed and that always scares me.  The Yankees really only have two left handed starting hitters in Matsui and Damon, which, I think makes Fuentes vulnerable when coming in late to save contests.  

The Angel's will definitely have a couple advantages over the Yankees in this series and here they are.  I think the Angels have the second best manager in baseball, and they aren't facing the best (Tony LaRussa, in my opinion).  Yes I think Mike Scioscia is the better manager and I think that will give the Angels a slight advantage.  It's kind of funny, people tend to think that managing a baseball game is really easy because it looks like managers don't really do anything.  The truth it, I felt the same way, until I did a little Jr. ACME coaching and realized there are so many decisions that need to be made quickly and it is taxing.  You call every pitch thrown, you decide to steal, not to steal, hit and run, leave the pitcher in, take him out.  It really is pretty taxing.  It's funny how coaches are called managers in baseball and coaches in other sports.  I also like the Angels because they are aggressive on the base paths and Jorge Posada is basically a pile of garbage defensively.  I hope to see some aggressive and competent base running out of the Angels after seeing so much terrible play on the base paths throughout the postseason.  Freeze on a line drive!  I think the Angels also have a mystique factor to them.  They are on the west coast and we don't really know much about them relative to the almighty Yankees.  A lot of analysts have this being a really close series and I think that bodes well for the Angels because they probably do something else well that I don't really know about to put them over the edge.

There are ten so-called "experts" on ESPN.com who have picked this series.  They have all picked the Yankees.  Although the Yankees did sweep the Twins, they narrowly swept the Twins and had to come from behind in every game, I believe.  This will be more difficult against the Angels.  I like the Angels to win this series with aggressive play and more timely hitting.  

NLCS

Dodgers vs. Phillies

I like to think of the Phillies as the "mini Yankees" because when I think of the Phillies the first thing that comes to mind is their lineup.  They have an amazing amount of power up and down that lineup.  They have a former MVP as do the Yankees.  The Dodgers really do have a solid, young core of great baseball players.  Seriously, go look at the Dodgers roster and check out their ages, it is amazing how many quality players they have aged 25 or younger.  

This is why the Phillies will win.  The aforementioned Phillies Lineup.  It really is potent.  I believe they have like 5 guys who hit 30 bombs or something ridiculous like that.  Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins really set the table well for the Phillies offense.  Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Jayson Werth can all go deep at any time and blow a game wide open.  I believe the Phillies also led the bigs in stolen base percentage, they sure can pick their spots.  I also like the Phillies because they seem to be unflappable!  When they are down they never seem to panic, they just continue to think that they will come back and win and I believe that goes a long way for a club.  

The Dodgers have a few things going for the too.  Clayton Kershaw and Randy Wolf.  They are both left handed and the two will probably start 4 games if the series goes deep.  I believe these two lefties will give the Dodgers a huge advantage because if they can stymie left handed batting Chase Utley and Ryan Howard it will really divide the Phillies lineup into two and it will make it difficult for them to score runs.  Another thing on the Dodgers side is the Phillies late inning relief.  Brad Lidge didn't blow any saves against the Rockies but if you watched that series carefully he didn't really throw strikes.  The only reason he was getting people out is because they were swinging at bad pitches and I hope the Dodgers are aware of this.  If they don't help Brad Lidge out in save situations, he may walk people and his mind may wander back to when he couldn't save a game if his life depended on it.  I think this is a huge advantage for the Dodgers, I predict that Brad Lidge blows one game this series.  

If Clayton Kershaw and Randy Wolf can win 3 games (big if) I like the Dodgers to win for sure, if those two combine for 2 wins I think we will be looking at a 7 game series.  Overall, I'm going to predict the Dodgers to win and it will be LA vs LA in the World Series.

Look at this video... it is unbelievable

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWAS814ASmA

NFL Week 6 Predictions are here... look down

OKAY OKAY OKAY.  How did I do predicting week 5?

Aye, Aye, Aye, I did not do too well.  

Against the spread I picked 6 games correctly, I selected 8 winners and I was right on the O/U 7 times.  Basically, a monkey could have done just as well as I did last Sunday/Monday.  

I guess it's time for me to get back on the horse.

WEEK 6 Predictions.  Find the nearest bookie and bet everything you have on what I predict.  I have never been wrong.  Don't look up...

CHIEFS @ Washington (-6) under 37.5

I like the Chiefs to win this one on the road.  The Chiefs took the declining Cowboys to overtime before losing and the Redskins (Can I say that?) are terrible.  The Redskins defeated Tampa Bay and St. Louis (9-7) and manage to give the Lions its first win since Barry Sanders retired.  Check my facts on that but I think it's accurate.  

Houston @ BENGALS (-4.5) under 45

I've never wanted to get a pick wrong more in my life.  

Browns @ STEELERS (-14) under 3

I correctly picked the Browns to win last Sunday but I definitely wouldn't have picked them if I'd known they were only going to complete 2 passes.  This one's gonna be painful.

RAVENS @ Vikings (-3) over 43.5

Early this year I was hating Bretty Favre because I thought the Vikings made a huge mistake because I felt that Sage Rosenfels was qualified to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson.  Brett has been doing more than that and I've been wrong about him so far however, the Ravens are 3-2 and getting to that area of desperation.  I think they take that and use it to beat the Vikings. 

RAMS @ Jags (-9.5) under 42.5

The Rams lost to Seattle by 28 while the Jags lost by 41, clearly this means the Rams will win.  I don't know if it's actually that obvious but I'm gonna go ahead and pick the Rams because they have Steven Jackson who is supposed to be good and I don't know if MJD has done a lot for the Jags this year.  Rams are +400 straight up... I'm just sayin'.  If you're not gonna bet on this game, don't watch it... maybe take the time to learn how to knit or something.  

GIANTS @ Saints (-3) over 47

My two fantasy QB's playing each other, I'll be watching this one.  I like the Giants, I don't know why they have won so frequently on the road the past couple of years but I think there is definitely something to it.  I like Eli (and Drew Brees) in this game to come up big as he normally does in marquee games.  I think the X factor in this game are the defenses.  When it comes down to it, the G men have a better D so I think they win this one.  

PANTHERS (-3) @ Buccs under 40

Does anybody else feel like there are a handful of great teams in the NFL, 15 decent teams and 10 teams who, up until a week prior to the season thought a football was a distant relative of a pineapple.  Football's are not edible, I know from experience dude and I'm tired of having four unwatchable games every week because both teams in the match are terrible.  

Lions @ PACKERS (-13) under 48

Detroit is not nearly as bad as they were, know that.  In my opinion they are the best 1 win team in the league.  They still aren't good enough to cover 13 on the road against the Pack.

EAGLES (-14) @ Raiders over 40.5

I'd take the EAGLES -21, the raiders are pretty terrible and since Jamarcus Russell is a former number 1 overall, they aren't going to put anyone else at QB.  

ARIZONA @ Seattle (-3) over 47

After the Seahawks put that beat down on the Jags last Sunday it might be tempting to pick them to win against the cards... for somebody else, not for me.  Once again, the Cards have too much offense for Seattle to keep up.  

Bills @ JETS (-9.5) UNDER 38

Did anybody watch the Browns/Bills???  That was painful.  I don't see the Bills losing by single digits.  I think they should get rid of TO... might as well try to get something for him.

Titans @ PATRIOTS (-9.5) OVER 43.5

I feel like the Patriots are playing more Patrioty lately (besides losing to a guy who was helping run practices for the past 8 years)  and yes, Patrioty is a word.  The Titans aren't very good and they are on the road... Another game decided by double digits this week.  jeez.

Bears @ FALCONS (-3) OVER 46

The Falcons made the 9ers their bitch last Sunday.  This is definitely my second favorite game of the week.  Just how for real is Jay Cutler?  Really for real, or just a little for real?  This is how professional writers talk.  I like the Falcons to ride that momentum and take this one.  

BRONCOS @ Chargers (-3.5) over 44

I guess I have to start taking the Broncos seriously.  I honestly am sort of surprised this spread isn't 6 because the chargers are only as good as LT and LT is done.  

I would like to dedicate these week 6 predictions to Fuji, the only person who reads it.  

I'm also dedicating this to Michael Bolton because I'm a fan.  

 

MLB...Peter Gammons

Usually when I post a blog it is on a topic I have researched or been contemplating for a week or two.  As I sit right now, it is the bottom of the 9th and A Rod has just hit a two run bomb to tie the Twins.  I can't help but wonder what exactly is the future of the MLB.  So far the first round of playoffs have been nothing short of incredible.  The Cards, many people's favorite to win the NL pennant, have had their two cy young pitchers beat to go down 0-2.  The Rockies and the Phillies are tied, the Twins playoff game was one of the best games I have ever watched and now this drama in the Bronx (We're going to extras).  The Twins were +230 to win this game and if you're not addicted to gambling like me, that basically means they have no business winning this game.  

I have always been a huge baseball fan and before this great postseason I couldn't help but wonder if anyone else really cared about the MLB.  All the races were basically over (I know about the AL Central, you don't have to remind ME) and college football and the NFL were just starting.  Football ratings on Television have been increasing immensely each year, ask Colin Cowherd.  Your average male aged ~ 30 knows so much more about the NFL than the MLB.  If the man closest to you is under 37 ask him about the NFL.  I'm sure he can tell you a lot because he has probably been playing fantasy for a couple of years.  I could probably name about 20 tight ends throughout the league and I bet when I was 10 I couldn't name the Browns' (my favorite teams') tight end.  The NFL is doing everything right and has been extremely successful.  It is perfect for today's world where everyone is working harder and want results quicker.  There is contact on every play.  In baseball, we wait for nearly a minute between every pitch.  I can't blame people for not caring about baseball, we like what we like, there's nothing wrong with it.  

For a while I was beginning to wonder if only Peter Gammons and I even cared about MLB but this postseason has given me hope.  Hell, The Phillies set an attendance record in game one, which was a day game, during a poor economy.  Attendance in the MLB regular season this year was only down 5% from last year in this week economy.  The reduced size of the two New York Ball Parks could have made up for this decrease.  

The thing that was so alarming to me was home attendance.  Watching various games throughout the season I would notice that seemingly no baseball games were packed houses, unlike the NFL.  I guess the main thing to remember is that baseball teams have 81 home games to make their money compared to the 8 the NFL has.  

I guess as long as the MLB continues to have an exciting postseason and a competitive Yankees team, there really isn't anything for me to worry about because I have watched about every playoff game so far and they have all been packed houses.  

There is no need for me or Peter Gammons to worry.  He will be able to keep his job... and I will continue to look for one but if I can't find a job at least I'll always be able to watch MLB on TV... until I can't afford to pay my cable bill.

I didn't know much about some of these playoff teams so I couldn't analyze this round.  Check back before the divisional series' and I'll let ya know who'll win.

Stay hot.

week 5

Last week I picked 8 games right against the spread.  I correctly picked 11 teams to win and I was able to select the correct O/U in 8 games.  This was out of a total of the 13 games I picked.  I forgot to pick to colts game but I'm sure I would have gotten it right.  

Man, 11 out of 13 games... that's pretty good for a league that supposedly has amazing parody.  I'm a beast.  

This week the NFL has some pretty terrible games.  Picking against the spreads will be the real challenge... but it always is, that's why there are spreads.  

okie silly dokie yo, I'm an idiot!

NFL week 5

Cowboys (-8.5) @ CHIEFS under 42.5

I feel like the Cowboys have been declining season by season the past couple years and within this season they are declining week by week.  I think they will win this game because they have better talent.  I have a feeling it is going to be close though, Chiefs cover the 8.5.

REDSKINS @ Carolina (-3.5) under 37.5

This may be one of the most even games of the week.  Carolina probably is going to have the better rushing attack but Washington has been getting Santana Moss more involved in the past couple weeks.  I'm gonna take a road dog to win this game.  Carolina still winless.  

Buccs @ EAGLES (-15) Under 42.5

After the Browns almost beat the Bengals I'm just about ready to say that the Buccs are the worst team in the NFL.  The Buccs are the worst team in the NFL.  There, I DID say it.  I like the Eagles and Donovan to win this one in a snoozer.  

RAIDERS @ Giants (-15) over 39

It's tough for me to say the Giants will cover 15 points when their starting QB is going to have when trying to use his plant foot on his throws.  Whatever is wrong Eli's heel is not good.  I still think the Giants win but the RAIDERS cover.

Bengals @ RAVENS (-8.5) over 42

The Ravens have had an outstanding defense for years now but look out for their offense.  That also means look out for the Ravens.  I believe they have separated themselves from the rest of the AFC North this year and they continue that trend against the Bengals.  

Vikings (-10) @ RAMS under 41

I like the Vikings to win here but perhaps a little bit of a letdown on the road after a huge emotional win on Monday night.  Rams cover but lose.  

BROWNS @ Bills (-6) over 40.5

The Browns lost last week but they managed to look like they were at least playing in the right league.  Definitely a tough loss for the Browns but they can take some positives away from it.  Buffalo has gotten waxed their past two games and the Browns finally have a glimmer of hope last week.  I like the Browns to win this one on the road.  

STEELERS (-10.5) @ Lions under 44

Steelers blow out a team they should blow out with a rookie QB.

Falcons @ 49ERS (-2.5) over 40.5

This is probably my favorite game of the week, apart from the huge matchup in Buffalo.  It has one of the lowest spreads this week but I expect the 49ers to win this one by about ten.  I think Glen Coffee has a real nice game to propel the 9ers over the Falcons.  

Texans @ CARDINALS (-5.5) UNDER 50.5

I think the Texans are like the Cardinals little brother.  They have a pretty decent quarterback and they may have the best WR in the NFL.  Unfortunately for the Texans the Cards have 3 really good WR and an even better QB.  I like the Cards to win this one but this could end up being a very exciting game if you like offense (who doesn't).

PATRIOTS (-3) @ Broncos under 41

I think Tom Brady is beginning to hit his stride and I'm not convinced the broncos are for real.  They have a nice opportunity to change my mind this weekend, however, I think the Broncos lose by more than 3.

COLTS (-3.5) @ Titans under 45.5

I think the Titans are done and the colts are just too good to have a let down this week.  Besides, it makes it really hard to have a letdown when Peyton is your quarterback.  

Jets (-2) @ DOLPHINS over 36.5

I like the Dolphins to win this one at home on Monday night.  Sanchez got his first loss last week and I think this could rattle his game a bit and we might see a little regression in his play.  If the Dolphins can control the ball like they have been able to do a lot this season, I like them to win this game.  

WNBA

Before I start ripping on the WNBA I guess I should explain how I feel about the NBA.  I don't want people to think that I dislike the WNBA just because they're girls.

I don't like the NBA, at all.  I've felt for the past couple of years that the players in the NBA are too good.  Yes, and I mean that.  In this league of stars, it seems to me that someone could drive to the hole just about every time and get a pretty easy layup or dunk.  Then on sportscenter when I watch highlights of the NBA I see a bunch of "sweet dunks."  "Oh, did you see that dunk?"  Then I think, 'No, but I have seen a dunk exactly like that about 476,895 times.'  Outside of that, if someone has a wide open shot, it goes in.  I also don't like how being the home team is a big factor in who wins.  I guess they just don't try as hard on the road.  Basically, one of my favorite days of the year is when the Cavs season is over and I get my friends back and we can talk about and watch real sports like football, baseball and hockey.  If you don't know me that well, you're probably not reading this blog, but I'm serious about the NHL, I like it a lot.  

Basically, I've seriously wondered to myself if I would like the WNBA more than the NBA.  I mean, think about what I said, women, for the most part, can't dunk so the play happens further away from the bucket.  Women aren't as good so when there is a shot there's more mystery if it'll actually go in.  So I checked out game 1 of the WNBA finals on Tuesday night.  

I'm not too sure about how awesome this WNBA thing is.  In fact, it's not very awesome at all.  It's the kind of thing that should get cut out of a slow economy.  I mean, I don't understand how it makes money at all.  These players and owners and what-not must have very little salaries.  I could either watch TV or go out and exercise or read a book or write a blog or I could go to a WNBA game.  I don't know, maybe a WNBA game would be fun, I've never been to one.  Then I might think that all my other options are free, whereas a WNBA game probably costs 2 dollars.  Looks like I'm stayin' in!

I'm flipping through the channels Tuesday night and I come to the WNBA Finals.  There is a little under 2 minutes remaining and I think it was a 4 point game.  Phoenix, at home, leading Indiana.  'Ok, this might be an exciting finish,' I'm thinking.  I start watching and right away I can tell that none of these players have penises, pretty disappointing.  Also it didn't take long to realize how much cheaper this league is, you can tell by how terrible the refs are, you get what you pay for.  I think there were about 6 calls made by the officials and 4 of them were awful.

Indiana is down by 3 with the ball and about 15 seconds left; okay, here we go.  An Indiana player comes off a screen and makes a 3 to tie it up with about 7 seconds left.  Phoenix takes the ball down the court, drives to the hoop and misses a layup, a teammate gets the put-back and misses from point blank.  Why didn't she dunk... oh yeah.  Time expires and the game goes to overtime.  After time expired I thought to myself, 'that was a mildly entertaining minute and a half of basketball,' then I thought, 'I bet overtime is 5 minutes, I don't want to watch that much longer.  I wonder what else is on... oooh! A Home Improvement Rerun!' 

I can't think of another sporting championship going into overtime or extended play and me not wanting to watch it.  Maybe watching 1:48 of a game isn't enough to decide that I don't like the league but yeah, it probably is.  I can't believe I actually thought that I might like the WNBA more than the NBA.   

I guess no matter what, the higher the absolute level of talent, the more exciting the league will be.  It's science.

NFL Week 4 Predictions/nerd

There were 15 football contests last week.  I was able to pick 10 winners correctly, 9 against the spread and I selected to correct O/U 8 times.      

Roll out the barrel here are the week 4 predictions 

RAIDERS @ Texans (-9) Under 42

I like the Texans to win this one.  Russell has 378 yards passing and 1 TD in the first 3 weeks of the season.  Last time I checked it's 2009, not 1947.  Need more passing, also I'd go for some more cowbell.  

Titans (-3) @ JAGUARS over 41.5

MJD had a big week in week 3.  I like him to continue that against the Titans, even though they are supposed to have a good defense.  I think the Titans will pack it in for the season and just settle for going 0-4 on the road.  

RAVENS @ Patriots (-1.5) under 44.5

This is bar far the best 1:00 game this week.  If you've consistently read my blogs you'll know I'm not sold on Brady being back.  He did get in sync with Randy Moss last week but still needs work with Joey Galloway.  Right now I think the ravens have the better defense and the offenses are pretty even, so that means the Ravens should win, right?

GIANTS (-9) @ Chiefs under 42

Matt Cassell had 90 yards passing last week and LJ is pretty old (at least by NFL RB standards, he's still a young whippersnapper by grandma standards).  The Giants have looked pretty solid this year and Eli Manning is putting up big numbers.  I have no problem picking them to win this one by 10.

BUCCS @ Redskins (-7) under 37

This is probably the least intriguing game of the week.  These two teams SUCK.  Don't put down your half gallon for a second to watch this game.  Jason Campbell threw for 340 yards last week and the redskins scored a total of 14 points.  That doesn't really add up, to me at least.  Redskins win a close, boring one.  

BENGALS (-5.5) @ Browns under 38

Have you seen the Browns in the first three weeks?  Have you ever seen a professional team look this terrible at ever aspect of the game?  The answers are yes and no, respectively.  Do yourself a favor and put your life savings on the Bengals to cover this shit.  Braylon is projected to have 142 fantasy points.

LIONS @ Bears (-10) over 39

I really don't think the Lions have looked all that bad this year.  You could definitely argue that no team will progress as much throughout the season as the Lions since they have a rookie at QB.  I like this game to be close as sort of a let down to the Bears after two fourth quarter comeback wins.  I think the Bears will win it late at home.

Jets @ SAINTS (-7) over 45

This would be a very impressive win for Sanchez... but he's not gonna get it!  HEY YO!!  Eat that pretty boy.  Saints win by double digits.  

Bills (-2) @ DOLPHINS over 37  

The bills looked pretty shitttttttttay last week and I think the Dolphins running attack will help them over a team who doesn't really have a ton of offense going right now.  Hopefully the Dolphins won't have to use chad henne too much.

Rams @ 49ERS (-9.5) under 37.5

The Rams are terrible and the 9ers are pretty good.  They disappointed me a bit against the Vikings last Sunday but they basically won, besides the whole points thing.  They win big this week boooooooooooooys.  

COWBOYS (-3) @ Broncos over 42.5

Look at the Broncos next five games.  They'll probably be 3-5 after starting out 3-0.  So, according to simple addition that means they'll lose this week.  Hey, I don't make the rules.  

Chargers @ STEELERS (-6.5) over 42

W/O Troy P I don't think the Steelers are really that good.  They quickly become a team that isn't really great at anything.  I do think they'll win but if the Chargers can get a cheap score, look out.

Packers @ VIKINGS (-3.5) under 45.5

I like the Vikings secondary and their Adrian Peterson to get this win.  Also, I'm not sure about A Rod in big games and this is a biggie on Monday night.  

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OK NOW LADIEZ

HERE ARE MY NERD PREDICTIONS 

Team-an v GrapeSmugglers

Wes has a quarterback advantage because Nate's QB's are playing each other in one of the weeks most boring games.  

Nate has a  WR advantage basically because Wes has a WR on a bye and really no one to replace him.  

I give Wes the RB edge because I'm not sure about Marion Barber or Marshawn Lynch coming back from injury and suspension.

I'll give gravedigger has a slight TE advantage because that TB v Washington game will be even more boring than the QB matchup.

Overall, I think Nate's gonna take it down this week and by take it down, I mean win.

Velvet Merey v Rons Team

I'll give A.Jay the QB edge simply because Ron has one on a buy this week.

I also like A.Jay WR because I feel like they will all be in shootouts this week.  They may produce a little extra this week.  

Ronaldino has adrian peterson, I think.

I like Jason Witten to beat Owen Daniels.  Good Job A.Jay!

I like Ron to win the W/R position because I've never heard of whoever the hell A.Jay has.

I think Ron will pull this one out.  Adrian needs to have a big game if the purples want to beat the greens on Monday night.

Walk the Dinosaur v Carson Chad Cedric

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

currently Greg's defense is projected to get 0 points because it is their buy week.  I checked to see who his backup defense is...  it's the Browns. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  

You lose just because of that, Craig.

Peter North Stars v Ochenta y Cinco

I've made no bones about it, Dauber has my favorite team name in the league.  However, his QB situation this week is funnier than Craig's (Stukenbaaak) Defense situation.  I don't think you can overcome a goose egg at two positions so Andrew takes this down to China Town.  

Tico's Club v Who's Gonna be 2nd

I'm already gonna go against my own logic.  

I'm gonna give Travis a QB advantace because Trents are both on their buy week.  

Trent should have a huge week from his WR because they are 1) Andre Johnson and 2) involved in what should be shootout games.  

Trent has a RB advantage because one is playing the Browns.

TE is a wash and W/R is an advantage for Trent.

Trent is going to overcome not having a QB and win in a fantasy football miracle. 

'96 Bulls v NFL Guru

I give Mitch the QB advantage because he has sweet fantasy QBs

I also give Mitch the WR edge because Justin's WR aren't on very good teams.

Justin has a RB advantage because Mitch has a Browns RB.

I'm gonna give Justin the TE advantage because Mitch is gonna be on his second string TE

Justin has a real nice W/R position in Glen Coffee who may not split time with anyone.  

If Mitch can get more than the 13 points his RB are projected he may win but I like Justin to take this one to the hizzy.  

Madison Hedgecocks v Scrap Iron

I'm a total badass so I'm going to win easily boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys.

But seriously, Drew Brees probably isn't going to get me 30 points.  Santonio only had 1 catch last week and my RB aren't very good.  Jake will probably win this handily.  

NFL Week 3 Predictions/Nerd Predictions

In Week 2 I picked 11 winners, 10 correctly against the spread and identified 9 games against the O/U.  I actually forgot to pick the Saints game from last week but I'll just give myself credit for getting everything right.  

Okay then, here's who is going to win all the week 3 games.  All bets down, here we go.

TEAM COVERING THE SPREAD LOOKS LIKE THIS

TITANS @ Jets (-3) Over 37

The Titans' desperation carries them over the Jets, who still have a rookie QB.

Browns @ RAVENS (-13)  under 38.5

I don't know where to find information on past spreads but I bet the Browns haven't covered in 8 games, 13 points is tempting but I'd need about 17.

Giants (-7) @ BUCCS over 44

I think the Buccs desperation at 0-2 will keep the game close but the Giants will end up winning this one.

Jags @ TEXANS (-3.5) Under 46.5

Texans looked good last week.  I'm very confident they will cover this 3.5

49ERS @ Vikings (-7) over 40.5

We'll be hearing a lot about the 9ers after they beat the Vikings this week.  Actually, analysts will probably talk more about how Brett Favre is hurt (I think the 9ers are going to knock him out).

Falcons @ PATRIOTS (-4) over 44

The only reason I don't want to pick against the Patriots in consecutive weeks is because they are the Patriots.  I think this will be a very good game but the Pats will win it late.  

Redskins (-6.5) @ LIONS under 38.5 

Lions win for the first time since the mid '80's.  Browns will officially be the worst team in the NFL. 

PACKERS (-6.5) @ Rams under 41

Packers roll after losing to the Bungy's, besides St. Louis is terrible.  

BEARS (-2.5) @ Seahawks over 37

Assuming Hasselbeck is out, I like Cutler to continue to improve with the Bears.

SAINTS (-5.5) @ Bills over 51.5

I'm just going to keep taking the Saints to cover and the over until it stops working.

STEELERS (-4) @ Bengals over 37

This could be a huge statement win for the Bengals.  I do like the Steelers to win because I think they'll score a defensive TD, even without Troy P.  

BRONCOS even @ Raiders under 35.5

J. Russell made 1 good throw last week and it was enough to win the game for the Raiders.  He may need to do more than that against the broncos.  Broncos win.

DOLPHINS @ Chargers (-6) over 43

I'm close to picking the Dolphins after almost defeating the Colts but I think they'll fall just short again.  Chargers win.  

Colts @ CARDS (-2) over 47.5

Boy, the NFL sure can pick 'em.  For me, this is the most intriguing game of the week, a great AFC team against the NFC Super Bowl Representative from last season, it happens to be the Sunday night game.  It also pits two great QB's against each other, it should be a great game to watch.  I have the Cards winning this one by 3.  

Panthers @ COWBOYS (-9) under 46

I don't really care about this game.  I've seen the cowboys but not the Panthers.  I'm taking the cowboys to cover at home.

Here is who I think will win our fantasy football match ups this week.  I'd like to state that I'm assuming each team will be starting who they currently have in their starting lineups.  Also, I'm not going to analyze the kicker or Defense positions because I've already wasted enough time on this for the 3 people who will actually look at it.  

Team-an vs Diagnosis Ronalds team

I give Team-an an edge on QB... unless Hasselbeck plays, then it would go to Ronald (Jon Piening).  I also give the WR edge to Ronald because Cribbs is going to get mad Return "pointage" this week.  I also think Anquan Boldin will be involved in a shootout so he should produce a lot of points.  I also give Ron a slight RB edge.  Team-an will gain a lot at the W/R position because Fred Jackson doesn't split carries.  I think the TE position will be a wash.  

I think Team-an pulls out a close one if Hasselbeck can't go.

Velvet Merey vs. Walk the Dinosaur (what does that mean?)

A.Jay gets the QB edge because Brett Favre will be busy pulling out dingleberries to play football.  

Craig (Greg) has a WR advantage because Fitzy will be in that aforementioned shootout.  

Craig (stukenbaaak) has an edge at RB because I think the Titans will contain Thomas Jones better than the Jets Chris Johnson.

A.Jay has a TE advantage and Craig has a real nice W/R advantage.

Craig (stook) wins easily.  

Grape Smugglers vs. Scrap Iron

If you look at the projected points Grape Smugglers is supposed to get the least amount of points in the league this week while Jake is supposed to get the most points.  I'm not gonna waste my time breaking it down.

Jake wins.  

Peter North Stars vs. Who's Gonna Be 2nd

Dauber has the name edge because it's the most clever in the league.

Unfortunately Dauber has an injured QB so Travis has a sizable advantage there

I really like Daub's WR's, three pretty good picks there considering this league starts 42 WR's a week.  Interesting RB matchup because it's between four guys who don't split a lot of carries.  I think the RB numbers will be pretty even.  

I'm giving Al a slight TE lead because I think the Vikings will have to throw more because they are going to lose.  

Travis has a better W/R player in Felix Jones, who will get the all-important return yards points.  

Travis wins by 10

Tico's Club vs. NFL Guru

Tentatively giving Mitch the QB advantage.  If Tom Brady doesn't put up Tom Brady numbers (which he hasn't yet this year) This could easily go the other way.

I think the RB will be a wash.  I like Kevin Smith and Ray Rice to each get a lot more than they are projected this week.  

I like Trent to gain on the WR position.  I wouldn't be surprised to see Trent Score at least 70 points one week off Randy Moss and Andre Johnson alone.  How did you get both of those guys?

Mitch has Tony Gonzalez so he wins TE.

I like Percy Harvin this week because, like I said, the Vikings will be down and Brett Favre (before he gets injured this week) can dump off short passes to Percy and let him run for big yardage.  

I have Trent winning this one.

'96 Bulls vs Carson Chad Cedric

Danny has the QB advantage.  I think the Bengals will be in a shootout this weekend, so I like Carson to score more than 11.  

Justin will have the WR advantage this week partly because Steve Smith will need a big game if they want to beat the Cowboys.  I also don't know if Houshmandzadeh is playing this weekend.  I wonder where that little bar guy is...

I give Danny the RB advantage because I like Clinton Portis against the Lions this weekend.  

Danny also wins at TE because Drew Brees is throwing to his tight end.  

W/R position will be  a wash.

Dan is the Winner and he turns 21.  

Madison Hedgecocks vs. Ochenta Y Cinco

I give myself, Hammer, the QB advantage because Drew Brees is a hunk and Eli is also better than Jamarcus.  

I, Hamma lamma ding dong, will also take the WR advantage because of the shootout in Cincinnati.  Santonio was targeted 15 times in week 2, there were only a handful of other receivers who were targeted more.  

Andrew has the RB edge because Forte is due and Ronnie Brown should have another big week.

I have a TE advantage because it's Dallas Clark for crying out loud.  

Andrew will have a W/R edge because Jamarcus can't pass so Oak town needs big games from its running backs

I think I'll win

I hope you enjoy this.  I sure did love the 3 hours it took to write it.  

NFL Week 2 prediction

Here are my week 2 predictions, playas.

Team covering spread is in Caps

I'm gonna also try to predict the O/U.  (I can't really factor in weather this early in the week)

Texans @ TITANS (-6.5) Under 40.5

The Titans D looked pretty sweet in week 1 and the Texans looked kinda terrible, I actually thought they would have looked better but... Not a good week for the Texans running game, which was non-existent in week 1, to get off the "ground."  What a shitty pun.

Patriots (-5) @ JETS Under 47

I could end up looking really stupid here but I am, so that wouldn't be all bad.  Tom Brady didn't appear to be all the way back and he'll be on the road here, so the crowd won't be so friendly.  Sanchez only has 1 game experience but his ground game produced a lot in week one so I'm taking the jets to win this.

BENGALS @ Packers (-9) under 42.5

I didn't think the Bengals looked that bad in week 1 to warrant being  a 9 point dog.  The Pack didn't look that great either, to be honest.  Packers win, but not by 9.

Vikings (-9.5) @ LIONS under 47

I was mildly impressed w/ Stafford.  I think Brett Favre is on his way to having an embarrassing year, starting w/ week 2.  Vikings win bc of AP but they're not winning by 10.

Panthers @ FALCONS (-6) over 43

The Panthers disappointed in Week 1 and Matt Ryan looked pretty tough.  I like them at home.

RAMS @ Redskins (-10) Under 37

Rams were scoreless in in Week 1.  Redskins also lost to a Giants team who also didn't look that good.  Redskins win but not by 11.

CARDINALS @ Jags (-3) over 42.5

Warner didn't really get Boldin, Fitzy and Breaston as involved as expected in week 1.  I think they remedy this against the Jags on the road, and win

RAIDERS @ Chiefs (-3) over 39

Raiders played pretty well against the Chargers (or the chargers underperformed) and I think they defeat the Chiefs on the road.  Could the raiders be a surprise in the AFC west?  They'll probably have to beat the chargers when they meet in San Diego.

SEAHAWKS @ 49ers (-1.5) over 39.5

Interesting week 2 matchup in the NFC West.  The winner will be the only undefeated team left in the Division.  I think Hasselbeck avoids the picks in week 2 and Seahawks win on the road.

Buccs @ BILLS (-4.5) under 42

I really liked the play of the Bills secondary against the Pats.  I think they shut down the Buccs and the Bills get the W.

Browns @ BRONCOS (-3) under 37.5

Free money.  Take the Broncos.

STEELERS (-3) @ Bears over 37.5

I like the steelers big in this one.  I'd find an adjusted line of like -10 to bet on.  If I was a gambling man but I'm not.  

RAVENS @ Chargers (-3.5) over 40.5

The ravens are too good defensively to not beat a team who should have lost to the Raiders.  Ravens win on the road.

Giants @ COWBOYS (-3) over 44

Didn't think the giants looked like they were ready to go back to the Super Bowl.  Cowboys win this one.  Marion the Barbarian.

COLTS (-3) @ Dolphins under 42

I picked the dolphins in week 1 and they embarrassed me.  They didn't look good at all.  The colts still have peyton Manning, right?  Yeah, I like them.  

This is why we love the NFL.  If you're interested.

Out of the 16 games I was only able to pick 10 teams to win correctly.  Picking against the spread I also rightly selected 10 teams.  Hopefully, in a few more weeks I will have these numbers at 12.  

I'd like to briefly state something I've learned from week 1 about each team.

Titans- Kenny Britt may become a steal in FF leagues

Steelers- This is the year where Santonio will begin to out produce Ketchup Ward.

Dolphins- The Falcons are good but it looks like the Dolphins will be watching the playoffs on tv like the rest of us this year.

Falcons- Matt Ryan doesn't show signs of a sophomore slump.  

Chiefs- Didn't look as terrible as I was expecting but a fumble recovery in the endzone always helps.

Ravens- Joe Flacco also doesn't believe in the sophomore slump

Eagles- Looked very impressive in a game where the spread was 1 point.  Are we going to see Mike Vick now that Donovan is hurt?

Carolina- Last year's sweet rushing attack was absent in week 1 this year.  That tends to happen when you give up 28 points in the second and need to pass for the rest of the game.

Broncos- Offense is definitely lacking w/0 J Cut.  Brandon Stokley is my new favorite player

Cincinnati- I thought Chris Henry was going to be the biggest steal in FF.  He had 1 catch for 18 yards.  

Vikings-25 Million for Favre to throw dump off passes and hand the ball to the best player in the league.  Rosenfels can't do that for 5 Mil?  Favre seemed to age 5 years in the last calendar year to me.

Browns- By far the worst team during the final six weeks of last season... Didn't look much better in week 1.

Jets- Rookie quarterback is usually a throwaway season but Sanchez looked good.  190 Rushing yards help that.  So did the D.

Texans- I guess Steve Slaton is waiting for week 2 to bust out

Jags- Held the colts to 14 but lost.  MJD looked good in his first game as a feature back who doesn't split many carries.

Colts- Reggie Wayne is gonna be a busy, busy boy.  

Lions- Matt Stafford also didn't look too bad in his debut.  

Saints- I reached a bit to get Drew Brees in both my Fantasy Leagues.  I guess this makes me the man.

Cowboys- Offense looked real nice

Tampa Bay- looked to have a great rushing attack in week 1

Rams- Ew, I don't know if they did anything well

Seahawks- 2009 NFC West Champions.  Write that down.

49ers- good game for the 9ers but I don't think they'll have staying power in the West.

Cardinals-Tim Hightower led the team in Receiving yards.  What?  Why?

Redskins- Looked pretty bad.  Made the game close by scoring a late TD when down 13.

Giants- Eli looked OK and was able to hook up w/ two of his young WR.  (Steve Smith, USC and M. Manningham, MICH)

Bears- Didn't think the Bears would have a chance if J Cut played that poorly.  They could be pretty tough when he works the jitters out.

Green Bay- I just remember seeing #38 and #36 pick off about 24 passes

Bills- Looked real nice.  Who is this Fred Jackson guy and is Marshawn even gonna play when he is eligible.  Fred looked real nice

Pats- Tom Brady is not all the way back... at least he wasn't until there were like 4 minutes left.

Chargers- D looked decent.  I thought it looked like Darren Sproles lost a step or two.  

Raiders- Did not look too bad.  Run DMC and Michael Bush is a great start for any team   

JOURNEY 1985 / NFL Week 1!

I spent the summer of 1985 taking a magical road trip with two of my great buddies, Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley.  Why don't we just dive right into it

Events occur in real time.  

The three of us met in the early 70's at George Washington Kindergarden in Albuquerque, NM.  That's right, we did all that kid stuff together.  We had the kind of relationship that would really make Dr. MLK Jr. proud and my Grandma a little uncomfortable.  We were later split up in middle school and then there was that period of time where I was cryogenically frozen... I emerged years later, better looking than Michael and slightly less round than Charles Barkley and we rekindled our friendship for one great summer/fall trip.  

Unfortunately, Michael and I did have a friendly tiff at one point.  We found ourselves on competing sides of the underwear business and I can admit, he got the better of me on that one.  His, "Look who we've got our Hanes on now." played to the audience a little better than my, "Hey, why aren't you wearing my underpants?" slogan.  That's neither here nor there.

Our JOURNEY began in Chicago 

We left Chicago on May 30 and headed to Boston because I had never been there.  The NBA Finals was going on between the celtics and lakers, MJ and Charles wanted to see it for some reason.  On May 31, we drove through Ohio and Pennsylvania and we narrowly escaped the 41 tornadoes to hit the area.  76 people were killed that night but my sweet VW bus carried us through the storm.  It was a scary kind of night, lightning, thunder and tornadoes everywhere, it was really something for ONLY THE YOUNG.  The entire time Barkley was very scared, saying things like  "we're never gonna make it."  "There's lightning all around us." and "I haven't been to a casino in days." I calmly told him, "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN.'" There was shit flying everywhere and we even saw a WHEEL IN THE SKY, it was seriously about 45 feet in the air just zipping around like crazy, luckily, we made it through.  Michael did have to give Charles a pair of his signature underpants. 

We made it to Boston Early, the Lakers had a 2-1 lead and were playing in LA at that point, so we hung around bean town and got drunk a few nights.  Charles Barkley insisted he would drive home every night.  He's a shockingly good driver when intoxicated.  Charles stated over and over that the Lakers would win and He and MJ had a huge wager on it.  I think it was about 15000 clams.  Charles began spending money like hot cakes because he FAITHFULLY believed in the lakers.  On June 9 we did attend game 6 where the Lakers won the series with a 111-100 win.  Charles went nuts and MJ didn't appreciated it.  MJ wanted his underpants back immediately, so Charles took them off right there, amidst all the confetti, which really just made the celebration more fun, until we got kicked out.  I saw my old friend Robert Parish sulking and asked him if he needed someone to talk to.  "No," Robert said, "I'LL BE ALRIGHT WITHOUT YOU."  "Ok, good, because butterball Charles just got us kicked out.  Cya friend."  

After those festivities we traveled to Newport News, VA to visit one of Charles' buddies, Mike Vick.  Mike offered to take us to his church and then later tour his local library but Charles suggested going to a dogfight.  Michael said, "that seems pretty unethical but you are my guests so, ANY WAY YOU WANT IT."  We arrived at the dog fight and Charles was throwing around all kinds of money.  The rest of us were pretty uncomfortable especially Michael Vick.  MV, MJ and I left to play horse on a local bball court.  I ended up winning from a shot that went off an el camino and into the hoop.  We returned to the fight to hear the shrill, high pitched shriek, of a little girl who just had her barbie collection stolen.  Immediately, I knew it was Charles, but I still asked, "WHO'S CRYING NOW?" Turns out Charles lost most of his career earnings, and one of his fingers (yes, he bet a finger) on a dog named wiggles.  I'm not sure why he bet on a dog named wiggles but Charles was now broke.  

After the event we all felt pretty terrible about what we had witnessed and lost.  Michael Vick, a self-proclaimed, cat person and us went our SEPARATE WAYS (WORLDS APART).

The road trip was pretty much over at this point.  We had seen the clinching game of the NBA finals and visited Charles Barkley's old friend Mike Vick.  I drove the three of us back to Chicago to drop MJ off.  He wanted to get back to work on his turn around fade away shot, which is something I taught him while we played horse.  We approached Chicago and it was the first time I had ever seen it at night, there were so many LIGHTS!  Seemed like a really cool place for the greatest basketball player of all time to live.  Since we were in Chicago at night, I asked MJ to show me around.  I parked my Volkswagen bus and we went out and tied on a serious buzz.  

I awoke the next morning and went to go grab my VW, I couldn't find it.  I saw a bum sleeping where my bus was.  I asked him if he saw what happened to it.  He said he saw some Libyan nationalist take it, he also said they were talking about going to Hill Valley, California.

Our road trip was supposed to be over, but I loved that van.  MJ loaned me a car and I headed to hill valley to get my bus back.  Charles decided to go back to Philly since California was a little bit out of his way.  He gave MJ a hug good-bye.  They were LOVIN', TOUCHIN', SQUEEZING', and I gotta say, it seemed borderline gay.  After their embrace had ended Charles turned to me.  I looked at him, standing there with his parachute pants, jerry curl and his OPEN ARMS and I opted for a handshake.  Charles was visibly disappointed because apparently, one hug wasn't enough but homie don't play that.  

I tore outta Chicago on a serious mission, had to get my sweet VW bus back.  I had a lot of sweet times and I wasn't about to roll over and let the libyans have it.  I was making sweet time, I was able to arrive in Hill Valley, California June 27th.  I spent the first couple days driving around tirelessly, looking for my beloved bus.  Unfortunately, there was no sign of it and I was running out of funds.  I was about ready to call it quits but I didn't have enough money to make it back to Ohio.  I planned on finding a job and saving up to get back.  I saw a flyer posted by a mad scientist named Doc Brown.  I met him and agreed to help him with his experiments but I was sworn to secrecy on what I would be seeing.  Coincidentally, the Libyans with my VW bus, who I was looking for, were now looking for me.  I also met Marty Mcfly and his girlfriend Jennifer, who also helped Doc out.  By mid October, I had made enough money to get back to Ohio and I had all but given up on seeing my VW again.  Marty kept complaining about Jennifer getting on his nerves and I said, "come on, GIRL CAN'T HELP IT." Doc's project seemed to be going nowhere.  I told Marty and Doc good-bye and told Marty to SEND HER MY LOVE.  Then I left.  

That night Doc had a breakthrough and he convinced me to stay.  He was getting close to creating a working time machine.  I just needed to help him a little longer. 

On October 25, 1985 I received a telephone call that a baby was born.  This baby was said to an Adonis of man.  He was incredibly good looking.  He had a head of hair that reportedly made John Stamos jealous.  He was rumored to be the best looking baby in the history of babies.  It was later proven to be a fact.

I then received another phone call that day from Doc, we were going to test out the time machine that night.  We were in a strip mall parking lot ready to test out the machine when the Libyans, who were driving my VW bus drove up and shot Doc.  I knew things were about to get real crazy, real quick so I yelled to Marty, "BE GOOD TO YOURSELF."  I had a feeling I'd never see him again.  Marty hopped in the time machine and I ran to the car MJ had lent me.  We both chased the libyans, wanting revenge for Doc, and my damn car back.  We were driving pretty fast and Marty just disappeared.  I'd say we were going about 88 mph.  I was not phased, I continued chasing.  Eventually, the Libyans stopped and just started shooting at me.  I stopped as well, took out my heat and unloaded many rounds on them.  I killed them all, killed dead.

I hopped back in my VW bus and drove back to Ohio.  I didn't really know what to do with MJ's car so I left it in Hill Valley.  

The events of that road trip really did leave me with an amazing story, it was just a little anti-climactic.  

SCENE

NFL WEEK 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, well, mutha fuckin well.  College football kicks off this week which means the NFL kicks off next weeeeeeeeek!  This is the best time of the year, easily.  Saturday game days followed by a hungover/drunk disaster at little bar.  Not to mention, the best bloody mary's I have ever tasted, courtesy of the one and only, Jess.  

Since I have returned to fantasy football this year and exited the work force, I'm going to be watching a lot of NFL this year.  I'm going to at least see highlights of every game played, guaranteed.  I'm going to acquire so much useless NFL knowledge, so I'm going to put it on my blog.  I'm going to pick every game every week and tell you if they will cover the spread.  You gotta give until about week 6 to shake all the rust off though...

I'm going to say which team will win and the team who, I believe, beats the spread will be in caps.

Week 1

TITANS @ Steelers (-5)

I have to Steelers winning this one.  Way back in blog 1 I didn't want to pick the steelers to win the super bowl and I also didn't want to say that Santonio Holmes would be the MVP because I thought it would be too much of a stretch.  Both would have been correct so this year I'm going to say exactly what I think, no matter how ridiculous it might turn out.  

Anyway, the steelers are too deep everywhere to lose this one.  Santonio is going to have a huge year, I believe Hines Ward got older during the offseason and Nate Washington is gone so Santonio is going to "blaze it up" this year.  Get it?  

DOLPHINS @ falcons (-4)

Well, kinda hard to go against that solid running game and error free play at quarterback from the falcons but I'm doing it anyway.  Chad Pennington is one of the most underrated quarterbacks in the league, doesn't have the strongest arm but he just gets it done.  Dolphins winning a week 1 swing game in Atlanta

chiefs @ RAVENS (-9)

Wow, Chiefs.  Matt Cassel is Questionable.  Hey, he didn't bring Randy Moss and Wes Welker with him from New England, did he? Top two WR's, I have never heard of, backup QB (get ready buddy) I've never heard of you either, gonna be a  long season for the chiefs.  

Look for Flacco to mature A LOT this year and the Ravens D to dominate.  They are gonna be really good.

eagles (-1) @ PANTHERS

This should be a really nice contest (look at the spread).  I see two pretty even teams offensively and I think the eagles just get more national attention and that is why they are favored.  I'm going with the panthers though.

BRONCOS @ bengals (-3.5)

it's sad for me to see the bengals make a pretty positive turn around because I don't think the browns have made that much progress.  I do like the bengals to win this game because of their improved defense, in fact, they were already improving last year.  I guess you're gonna look good defensively when you play the browns twice, though.  Chris "slim" Henry is going to have a huge year and I wish I had picked him up in fantasy late when he was still available.  I will be very interested to see what Orton looks like outside of chicago though.

VIKINGS (-3) @ browns

I don't wanna give myself false hope or bias this incredibly professional blog.  I'll put it in simple, short sentences

Browns don't know who their quarterback is.

Vikings have the most dominant player in the league (antoine winfield).

They also have an unknown guy named AP

Unless Brett Favre throws 3 pick 6's...

Browns lose big

Braylon has pan hands

have you ever caught a football while holding 2 pans?

me either

jets @ TEXANS (-4.5)

NFL team + rookie QB = the opposite of a win

Texans big 

andre johnson

JAGUARS @ colts (-7)

I like the colts to win here but I am curious to see how they will look this year w/o tony dungy.  Anthony Gonzo will have a huge year this year w/o marvin harrison.

lions @ SAINTS (-13)

rookie QB>= vet QB + 0-16 last year = lose to drew brees big

COWBOYS (-4.5) @ Tampa bay

Damn it, I hate the cowboys

Jason Witten and marion the barbarian are cool though

RAMS @ seahawks (-7.5)

look for the seahawks to be a surprise factor in the NFC this year.  Seahawks win but that spread is too big 

49ers @ ARIZONA (-6.5)

I wonder what michael crabtree's market value is... outside of the NFL I mean.  Make a deal!!!!!

REDSKINS @ giants (-6.5)

I feel like game after game, year after year, I have to watch the giants to see if Eli Manning is good.... I like them to win but not cover

bears @ PACKERS (-4.5)

I wonder how cutler will look in Chicago... probably pretty damn good but not in week 1.

BILLS @ patriots (-10.5)

I like the pats to win but i'm not sure tom is all the way back.  I'll need to see it in the regular season first....

CHARGERS (-9) @ raiders

raiders

suck

i'm 

taking 

the

chargers

to

cover

NINE

points

on

the

road

IV

Blog four is finally here!  Did you think I was going to quit blogging?  Yeah, I thought I might too.  I was having a little trouble coming up with a new topic for blog four so I did sort of give up for a while.  A few people told me they had read my blog who kind of blew my mind so I thought I better come up with something else, since I have been considering becoming a celebrity.  

Blog FOUR is going to consist of final FOUR predictions and a music section.  Yeah, blog four, final four, it was kind of a no-brainer... I like sports, so I'll tell you how the rest of this tournament will play out.  I'll also write about a lot of songs that I am currently hooked on that many of you have probably forgotten about or never heard of.  

Alright, the final four this year is pretty interesting.  We have the two teams from a powerhouse conference which dominated all season.  We have UNC which was the preseason pick to win the national championship who many people thought may go undefeated this year.  Finally, we have this years "cinderella?" team.  A number 2 seed (I know 'Nova is a #3) whose home state is hosting the final four.  Michigan has the highest unemployment percentage among states in the country and I don't want to sound insensitive, but blah, blah, blah, it's sad and we all feel bad for the people of Michigan.  

I was pretty pleased with my Super Bowl predictions (go ahead, look back at them) from blog 1 but as I stated, I gamble on sports way too much and I had watched way too much football.  NCAA basketball was a little different, I always follow sports but not to the extent as the NFL this season.  I guess what I'm saying is, the rest of this blog might be a waste of time... and hilarious.

The first game I want to discuss is the UNC/NOVA game because personally, I'm less interested in this game and I like to save the best for last, it's just how I rizzoll.  Let me just come out and state, anticlimactically, that UNC will win.  UNC probably has the most talented team remaining but they have lost a few easy games this year and I would certainly not call this an easy game.  NOVA has played more quality opponents than UNC this year so they have that on their side.  What scares me about NOVA is that it literally means "no go" in Spanish, obviously, this means they will lose fo shiz.  The NOVA automobile did not sell well in the Hispanic market.  Be sure to keep eyes peeled for more "Spanish Talk," as I intend to lace this blog with my swarthy Latin charm.  I dislike UNC pretty much, so it's hard for me to pick them but they have a pretty amazing, experienced backcourt in Wayne Ellington and Ty Lawson.  Funny I should pick UNC to win because of those two players, when they also have the reigning college basketball player of the year, Tyler "high shorts" Hansbrough.  Ty Lawson had a toe injury when the tourney began and it was as if they had no chance if he didn't return.  Basically, Hansbro puts up good numbers, but he is pretty overrated.  I do have to respect someone who is that successful with very limited athletic ability.  Did I mention he wears his shorts too high?  Maybe he is preparing himself for life as a grandma.  Sure, he can dunk but watch Tyler Hansbrough play 12 minutes of basketball and ask yourself, "What would he look like if he tried to seawalk?" because honestly, I think it would be funny.  Of course, I can't seawalk either.  People in glass casa's shouldn't throw stones.  

The next game is MSU versus UCONN.  I think this game showcases the best coach in the final four in Tom H to the Izzo, V to the Izzay, for shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in V A.  The most important player in the final four is Goran Suton.  He is the center for MSU who must play well for MSU to have a chance.  If he plays like he did in the elite 8, MSU will win.  Goran hit shots from all around the court and carved up the Louisville zone because he is also an excellent passer.  MSU dominated Louisville for about the entire second half which was shocking to me because the Buckeyes beat MSU pretty convincingly the last time the two teams met.  We all know how terrible the Buckeyes looked a veces this year.  Ultimately, I think Goran will not play well enough and the Spartans will finish one Grant Hill hail mary and one Christian Laettner turnaround J short of winning.  

Fun Fact:

I have always known how to spell Krzyzewski because of a brilliant pneumonic device I came up with.  I'm sure everyone else will remember how to spell it using this nice little phrase.

K.ites R.eally Z.ing Y.our Z.ebra E.ven W.ith S.illy K.ilts I.gloo

UNC will defeat the Huskies in the national championship and Tyler "velvet waistband" Hansbrough will end his college career with a national championship and walk peacefully into the sunset with his hands in his pockets, located slightly below his ribcage.  Ty Lawson will be the tourney MVP, unless Tyler "make low-rise jeans illegal" Hansbrough wins because he is white and mildly talented.  Be honest, you all checked where your pants were while you were reading this.  I know I would have... if I owned pants.   

Part 1 of blog 4 ran a little longer than I anticipated, I would still like to post my music blog because I think it will be interesting but I won't tonight... maybe tomorrow.

adios

Is this where all the D!cks hang out?

Blog 3 boys.  Blog 3.  3rd time is a charm.  3 M F ing french hens.  Today I think I will talk about my phobia of urinals and what I thought about the NASCAR event last weekend.  Man, Kara Dioguardi looks good tonight.

First off, I've never had too much respect for urinals.  Ever since I was a wee lad, I have never understood them.  I remember in school we had the urinals that went to the floor and now I usually see the urinals that start out about, oh I don't know, 2 feet off the ground, eliminating all little people from potential usage.  At least when I was little urinals wouldn't discriminate and I can't believe in today's world urinals are taking a step backwards and discriminating more now than before.  Come on urinals, Barack Obama is president, be the change.  

I'm sorry urinals, I know I was pretty tough in paragraph one but that isn't even really why I dislike you.  Hold on to your horses urinals (ha, I just pictured a urinal riding a horse) it will probably get worse.  

I don't know, maybe I'm just not good at urinals but I have never really been able to use them properly.  So I don't know, maybe I'm the only one having this problem, hopefully someone can back me up here.  Maybe it's because the angle of my dangle isn't proportionate to the heat of my meat but every time I use a urinal I get splashed with my own piss.  I think what bugs me the most is that some of this ricochet I'm catching could be the remnants of a previous user's pee.  Yuck.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love pee, who doesn't but I would much rather use a conventional toilet and forgo having two navy blue puddles on my jeans when I return to whoever I am with.  Peeing your pants is cool but having pee splatter your knee is a little embarrassing.  

On a side note, the very worst place I have encountered peeing in urinals is the B Dubs on Lane and High.  The last time I had to use a urinal at this particular bdubs I was a little chilly due to all the wetness on my leg.  Honestly, I think the next time I take a leak there I am going to change into a swimsuit.  I always pee in swimsuits, don't you?

Sometimes I feel goofy taking a leak in a toilet when all the urinals are open but that's okay. Opting for toilets doesn't make me any less of a man, neither does my love for American Musical Theatre.  No, no, it's my vagina that makes me less of a man. 

NASCAR?

In case you missed it, who cares.  The heavens opened up and it started raining, the race was called with 48 (of 200) laps left.  The order of the racers with 48 laps left is how they finished, which was a terrible way to crown a champion.  

WTF NASCAR.  THE DAYTONA 500, THE SUPERBOWL OF RACING.  Uh, we just had the real Super Bowl and they didn't quit after the third quarter.  In fact, they played the entire game.  I understand they can't continue the race when it is raining but that seriously sucked.  I mean, I can't think of a better system NASCAR should invoke for such events but they should race the entire race.  Put that shit under a dome.  The real reason I'm mad is because I bet on the race and it was the first race I have ever watched and was called 3/4 of the way through.  Oh yeah, my main man Elliot Sadler, was in first and then he decided to go slow for a while, dropping him to fifth.  It was about 5 laps after this happened that the race was called and yours truly lost his bet.  I guess I learned my lesson, I don't like NASCAR and I'm not giving it another chance.

Random Topics

The post today will be a little different.  You might think I'm a little weird but I guess you'd be right.  Over the past few weeks I have been putting what I consider to be interesting questions in my phone.  My original plan was to bust these questions out when a few of us were wasted and talk about them.  This blog will be the most fun if you guys post comments about what you think.  Anywho, here we go.  

Q.  What is one character you would change in any movie?

A.  Ok, I'm going to answer my own question with a few answers here.  First off, I'm changing Nick Cage to Bruce Willis in every movie Nick Cage has ever appeared in.  Seriously though, I would change Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz to Danny DeVito.  I would also like to change Toto with Shaq.  I've always wanted to see Danny DeVito carry Shaq in a whicker basket and this would be my perfect chance.

Q.  What is the worst movie you have every seen?

A.  I think I have a tie here.  House of 1000 Corpses and The Dentist II.  Was anyone familiar with The Dentist I?  I know I haven't, which is why I'm not exactly sure why I watched The Dentist II but I definitely wish I had those two hours of my life back.  I don't really remember why I hated House of 1000 Corpses so much because I've been trying to forget that movie.  I do it starred Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute) and it was incredibly impossible.

I should stop being so negative.

Q.  What is the best movie you have ever seen?

A.  I think The Dark Night is probably the best made movie I've ever seen.  I usually don't really go for action movies but The Dark Night was pretty awesome.  As for my favorite movies... Field of Dreams, American Beauty, Donnie Darko, Almost Famous and Dumb and Dumber.  I also really liked Requiem for a Dream but I never want to see it again.  It is a pretty powerful movie and really leaves an impression on you, which is something I look for in a good movie. 

Q.  If you could be an animal what would you be?

A.  I would probably want to be a cat.  You can do whatever you want all day and play with stupid things that shouldn't be fun at all.  Things like, paper, bouncy balls and your own tail.  This is something I could definitely get into.  I would not be the cleanest cat on the block though, because I have a policy that clearly states, "I do not lick my own two-hole".

Q.  How many cans of beer could you consume in one day without a puking rally?

A.  I'm going to pretend like it is one year ago and say about 16.  This of course, is an all day boozing affair, definitely not saying I could do this in two hours like "the godfather" probably could.

Q.  If you had to lose two of your limbs which two would you choose?

A.  I think I would get rid of my left arm and right leg.  This is because I am right-handed and I could hold a crutch in my right arm to act as my right leg.

Q.  If you could go back to any one point in time, where would you go?

A.  I would probably go back to the last ice age and try to befriend a wooly mammoth.  I think if I had a wooly mammoth on my side I would probably be pretty successful.  It could probably catch all my meals for me.  It would be my source of transportation and I could cut off some of its hair and make a killer blanket.  I might even have it kill another wooly mammoth and hollow out its insides so I had a nice house to live in.  Yeah, this is definitely what I would do.

Q.  If you could only use one condiment for the rest of your life what would it be?

A.  A1 Steak sauce.  A1 steak sauce.  A1 steak sauce.  I like A1 steak sauce.  I can manage eating chips without dip and I can even eat french fries without ketchup.  I will not eat steak without A1 though, I'd rather eat my shoe with a side of potatoes. 

Q.  What is the worst school mascot you have ever heard of?

A.  I can't decide if Thad Matta's Cornjerkers is the best or worst mascot I have ever heard of.  I have also heard of a Green Wave which I don't particularly understand.  Green Wave, doesn't really scare me but I also have never been part of a hurricane.

Q.  What is the most useless animal you can think of?

A.  The manitee.  It's nickname is the sea-cow.  I don't think the land-cow is particularly useful, besides the milk, of course.  Last time I checked sea-cows don't give milk so I think they are a pretty terrible animal which contributes nothing to society.  Get a job, sea-cow.

Saved by the Bell, finallyfast.com, superbowl

Alright, I'm in a hotel, a huge sperm whale dumped 10" of frozen ejaculate over Ohio (That's for you, Lee) and I'm really bored so I decided to create a blog.  I am pretty unfamiliar with this process but wtf.  I once took a Lit. course in college where my teacher said people tend to write novels about things they know well, whether they change the setting or not.  I guess this explains why i'll be writing about Saved by the Bell and the Super Bowl.  Late 80's, early 90's television and football, kind of my thing.  I think I'll also talk about this finallyfast.com commercial because it is bugging me.  

Not counting facebook wall posts, this is probably the first time I've written for entertainment purposes since a poem I wrote while on vacation in Tennessee.  I guess this will be my second time, overall.  Hopefully, this will be funny without mentioning guy-on-guy sodomy.  Oops.  My cousin Burke will also be posting blogs on here, which I am pretty excited about.  They should be pretty good because he is less of an idiot.

First off, I would like to discuss Saved by the Bell.  You know what I'm talking about.  This was probably my second favorite show (The Wonder Years) and I'm sure it was high on your list too.  The other day I woke up early enough to catch a couple episodes of Married With Children and Saved by the Bell and I realized that the humor on these shows is really corny.  My, how comedy has changed over a relatively short period of time. 

One of the Saved by the Bell episodes I saw was the drivers ed course with Mr. Tuttle, probably one of my all-time favorites (not as good as the murder mystery episode).  This drivers ed episode had all of the great elements Saved by the Bell was known for, Zach fighting for Kelly, Zach jealous of Slater, Zach scheming, Zach getting caught, Zach getting in trouble, Slater calling Jessie a babe, Jessie calling Slater a pig, Slater sitting in his chair the wrong way and Slater wearing those dynamite stone-washed jeans that go up past the belly-button (I heard he still has an affinity for those).  It also contains one of my favorite quotes, "And that Mr. Tuttle, is how you principal."  How you principal?  You can't verb a noun, Mr. Belding.

This episode made me wonder if actual high school kids liked Saved by the Bell.  I'm talking about kids who were in high school while Saved by the Bell aired.  I started to wonder this because I was probably about 8 when I really liked it and only now, I can see how corny it really was/is.  It was sort of like a show with high-schoolers, who had fourth grade problems.

There was an episode where Slater quit wrestling because he had a quiche in the oven.  There was also one episode where they all played high school basketball, which was quite hilarious.  Zach hurt his knee and needed to have surgery.  The surgeon happened to be Lisa's Mom but Zach feared for his life and fled the hospital.  In another episode Screech's parents left so he had a party.  Sorry, no booze.  There was one episode with a toga party and the cast drank some booze and Zach wrecked his car, so I have to give them credit for that.  There was also an episode where Jessie was addicted to "study pills," coincidentally, this is why I didn't get into Stanford.  Beside those two episodes, the problems were pretty mundane which leads me to believe high-schoolers in the late 80's and early 90's were probably watching something else.

Has anybody else seen this finallyfast.com commercial?  It is so terrible.  You seriously need to watch it before you continue reading.  It's probably on youtube but I'm not gonna look for the link.  Basically, it is an ad for a website to rid your computer of viruses but it is so cheesy.  At the end this nerdy dude says, "my computer is fast, finally! Finally fast.com!"  This commercial is honestly terrible.  I could make a better commercial with a kazoo and a pine-cone.  Honestly, if you just watch the right porn, you shouldn't have a virus problem.  

After seeing this commercial a few times and talking to my friends about how terrible it is, I have decided that they tried to make it that bad.  Here is what I'm thinking; if they make a mediocre commercial for an even more mediocre product everyone would probably just shrug their shoulders and forget about it.  Since they made the commercial so terrible, people will at least discuss it and more people will probably end up visiting finallyfast.com.  Maybe the idiots at finallyfast.com are actually smart.  Well played finallyfast.com, well played. 

Let's talk about the super bowl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this super bowl should be pretty good.  It probably won't provide a finish as exciting as last year but I think the entire game will be great, not just the final 8 minutes.  Here are some of the most important things of this years' super bowl. 

1. Pressure on Kurt Warner.  If the Stillers cannot pressure Warner off the edge the Cardinals will win.  It's that simple.  I say this because the Cardinals have the best duo and trio of WR's in the NFL.  Larry "fitzy baby" Fitzgerald is the best all-around WR in the league.  Andre Davis put up better numbers this year, sure, but have you watched the playoffs?  Anquan Boldin is the best WR in the NFL after the catch, it seriously is amazing to watch him run after the catch.  Steve Breaston, well, I'd rather not compliment Steve.

2. Cardinals ability to stop the run.  During the regular season the cardinals gave up 40+ points a handful of times.  They skated into the playoffs from the worst division in football.  The cardinals are to football what the winner of the NL west is to baseball.  Anyway, the Cardinals terrible defense turned completely around in the playoffs and I don't know why.  I mean, they have Ralph Brown.  In the wild card round the Cardinals beat the Falcons and Michael Turner pretty easily, shocking most people (including me).  After that, I was on their bandwagon but most weren't.  They beat Carolina who had the best rushing attack in the NFL, again, it was an easy victory.  Then they beat the Eagles.  They came out to a big lead before the eagles came back but the cardinals were again able to emerge victorious.  They were able to control Brian Westbrook, he was not completely shut out, but controlled.  What I'm trying to say is, the Cardinals will manage the stiller rushing attack pretty well.  I wouldn't expect the cardinals to completely shut out the shitsberg ground game but it also won't kill them.  

3. Ben Roethlishamberger.  If the stillers are going to win, they will need rossenmacher to be better than the decent quarterback he is.  I say this because The Cardinals are going to put up points, I don't care how good the shitsberg defense is.  The stillers will not be able to run all day and count on the defense to win.  The final score of this game will not be 9-7.  We will have to see Ben be a good passing quarterback if shitsberg is going to win.  He will not be able to throw up ducks to Santonio and let him run for 60 yards.  

Now I'd like to analyze these points and tell you who will win.  The stillers will be able to pressure Kurt Warner off the edge with Harrison, Woodley and Polamalu.  It will help out the stillers a lot and keep the game close, but I don't think we will be saying it was the reason shitsberg won when all is said and done.  I think the Cardinals will be able to use quick passes and bubble screens with Anquan Boldin if protections becomes an issue.  This will allow Boldin to become the stud running back the Cardinals don't have.

It won't really take me long to analyze how the cardinals have stopped running games in the playoffs.  Basically, it's because I don't know how they have just started to do this.  I think they will be able to maintain the stiller running game because they don't have a very good running game and the cardinals have previously limited Michael Turner, Carolina and Brian Westbrook.  

Ben "Rossenmacher" Roethlishamberger is a decent quarterback, at best.  In the NFL he has had the luxury of a great defense on his team.  I do not think he will be able to completely rely on them and Willy Parker to win the game.  I also don't think he will be able to do enough, in a warm stadium, to keep pace with Kurt Warner and his receivers.  I think Kurt will put up decent numbers and Santonio will continue to emerge as the number 1 receiver as Hines Ward continues to age.  I look for Santonio to have 80+ yards receiving and 1 touchdown.  This will not be enough and the Cards will be superbowl champions.  

Hopefully I am thinking with my brain and not my heart.  

I have a bit of a gambling problem, which is why I feel confident analyzing this superbowl for you.  Throughout the course of the season I have bet on about every team and watched every team at least once.  I believe I have watched every playoff game, so I know what I'm talking about.  That said, I definitely lost money betting on the NFL this year, but it was fun.  If (big if here) I were going to bet on this superbowl; this is how I would do it.  

The cardinals are +7 and the money line is +200, I would make a medium sized bet on the Cardinals straight up.  I would also look at the adjusted money lines.  The one I like is Cardinals -7.5 + 500, I would place a smaller bet on that.  I would then hedge my bets by taking the stillers -7 -105.  The first two bets pay out enough that if you would get those right, you can lose the stiller bet and still be up.  Also, if the Cardinals tank, the stiller bet will make you end up even on the day.  I have not mentioned the O/U, this is because it's at 46.5 which I think will be pretty accurate, so I wouldn't mess with it.

So, that is it, hopefully this blog has been semi-entertaining.  I'm sure I'll find something else to blog about if anyone reads this garbage.