Ham and Kurt talk about sports

HOT HOT HOT

I'm not good at apology's, so if it's all the same to you, I'd like to just skip it. Yes, this is where one would usually find my customary, "Apology Paragraph," for not posting anything to help temper the Hounds' insatiable thirst, but I'm not doing that. Anyway, I'm sorry. It's damn good to be back (large portions of this paragraph were taken from a conversation in, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, probably my favorite movie of all time).

It's been so hot, I can't do anything. If you're not from Ohio, you've probably heard of it a few times (a lot recently, because of the LeBron fiasco), because it has a few medium-sized cities, but you probably don't know much else about it. Ohio is in the eastern time zone. Something I feel like I wouldn't know if I weren't from Ohio. The other thing you probably wouldn't know, is how dreadfully humid it can be in the summer. This summer has been dreadful. Anyone remember about 3 years ago when it only went over 90 degrees once the entire summer, and it wasn't humid? That was awesome, and a complete 180 from this summer.

I've been relegated to sitting indoors, in the air conditioning. The latest thing I've gotten into is listening to Podcasts. How lame is that? I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's been so miserable and boring, I've listened to Bill Simmons Podcasts where he and a guest talk about Jersey Shore for a solid 40 minutes. He's done this on two different podcasts, and I sit and listen to it like an idiot. The worst part is, I've never even seen Jersey Shore, but I'm so bored that I listen to "The Sports Guy," analyze it for 80 minutes. In case you're wondering, I don't have a girlfriend.

I've basically become one of Bill Simmons' minions. Anything he talks about, or suggests, I dive right into, except Jersey Shore. I can't watch Jersey Shore because I don't like watching morons do moronic things. But I love listening to Bill. I even suggested he do a "Joe Pod" competition to get a regular person guest starring on the Pod. I'm just trying to get myself on the podcast. The way he emits his hard consonants is very pleasing, for some reason. He also does the typical, "mmm" sound when he's listening to someone else talk. I don't mean "mmm" like "this is really yummy, mmm." It's a shorter, grunting sound someone makes when another person produces an interesting point. Bill talks about Mad Men frequently, so of course, I started watching it. The first three episodes were painfully boring, and I literally fell asleep during all three. Since I'm a loser, this wasn't enough to completely turn me off of the show, so now, I'm through 5 episodes and it's picked up quite a bit. Mad Men has the best opening credits I've ever seen. I don't know why, but I love that opening sequence. Thanks to my man-crush on Bill Simmons and thanks to Mad Men, I've also recently developed my latest heterosexual crush on January Jones. Oh my.

Anyway

Maybe it's because every day I step outside at about 8:30 am, I immediately am covered in some kind of gooey sludge, commonly referred to as sweat. Maybe it's because playing softball, something I am typically thrilled to do, has seemed like a chore all summer. It might even have something to do with my strong opposition and hate for swass, but I'm ready for this summer to be over. I need some cooler temps, and less-liquid air.

Yeah I know, summer is supposed to be great, but it's just not my bag, okay? I do not possess anything close to physical supremacy (yet) and I forget everything I learned in those swimming lessons I endured 20 years ago. Because of these factors, I cannot swim to cool off, from fear of ridicule and death. I can't even fill the tub up too high if I decide to take a bath. What does this mean? Well, to be honest, after rereading these paragraphs, probably nothing. Basically, I'm just trying to hang on until fall; the greatest time of year.

If you think about it, and more importantly, if I think about it, this fall is shaping up to be about as good as I could have possibly hoped. What might bring on this childlike exuberance you're probably wondering. Sports, duh! First things first, the NFL is poised to commence in a few weeks. Although I'm not as passionate about my favorite NFL team (Browns) as I am in other sports, the NFL is the greatest sport to watch in its totality. Secondly, tOSU Buckeyes are just about the consensus #2 preseason team in the country. Actually, most sites have the Buckeyes as an odds-on favorite to win the national championship this season. I know it's early; nobody's played a game yet, but it's still cool to hear that. Terrelle Pryor is really poised to have a huge year. He's struggled (mightily) at times, but if one looked at Vince Young's career arc, it really turned around for him his third college season, and Terrelle plays a similar style game. Tressel recently said that his only worry about Pryor is that he may be working too hard in the offseason. Certainly, a very senatorial comment that we've come to expect from JT, but once again, it is something I like to hear. Also, it appears that Terrelle's acne is clearing up, which I'm sure he's excited about. I'm glad Terrelle has won his fight with "pizza face" and I'm sure he's happy to have that bout behind him. The only reason I feel I can make these comments is because I've struggled similarly with acne. For the record, I'm also entitled to be critical of German's because of my Germanity, which is a cool word I just made up. I felt kind of strange watching Inglorious Basterds, rooting for the Jews and Brad Pitt to kill all those German's, but fuck it, those krauts deserved it.

Speaking of kraut... The first full weekend in October is also designated for Oktoberfest in lovely Minster, Ohio. So much to look forward to. Here's an abbreviated list of the festivities... Half-gallon jugs of beer in everyones hand. Polka. Chuck-a-luck. Drunk Ronald getting talked into doing the "hedgehog" (this is probably wishful thinking, the hedgehog has been on the shelf for a few years). All kinds of gourmet sausages, as well as any other awesome, German foods. Arts and crafts. Grown, fat men in Lederhosen. Browns vs Bengals. Beer tray relay. Obvious underage kids drinking. Cops obviously looking the other way. Vomit.

I don't know the exact date when the calendar says it's officially fall, but to me, fall starts around the middle of September. This is when the MLB regular season will be winding down, and the playoffs will be looming on the brink. For the first time since 1999, the Reds are in the playoff hunt this late in the season. Yes, I know, baseball is boring to watch and even worse to read about, so I'll keep this portion short. I just need you all to know, that the playoffs are a big part of my life and should the Reds merit one of the 4 national league spots; I'll gladly forego day drinking Buckeye football games so I'm lucid for the Saturday night playoff game. Think about that! How many things are so important to you, that you would make a conscious decision to not drink during the day of a Buckeye football game? Sorry 20 year old ham, you will not be partaking in the 8:00am ritual beer-bong with J Spill.

I am yearning for cooler temperatures and thinner air. Put me in a hoodie and jeans; give me the Buckeyes, hopefully the Reds, the NFL, copious amounts of beer, Oktoberfest and more beer, then I'll be happy.