Is this where all the D!cks hang out?

Blog 3 boys.  Blog 3.  3rd time is a charm.  3 M F ing french hens.  Today I think I will talk about my phobia of urinals and what I thought about the NASCAR event last weekend.  Man, Kara Dioguardi looks good tonight.

First off, I've never had too much respect for urinals.  Ever since I was a wee lad, I have never understood them.  I remember in school we had the urinals that went to the floor and now I usually see the urinals that start out about, oh I don't know, 2 feet off the ground, eliminating all little people from potential usage.  At least when I was little urinals wouldn't discriminate and I can't believe in today's world urinals are taking a step backwards and discriminating more now than before.  Come on urinals, Barack Obama is president, be the change.  

I'm sorry urinals, I know I was pretty tough in paragraph one but that isn't even really why I dislike you.  Hold on to your horses urinals (ha, I just pictured a urinal riding a horse) it will probably get worse.  

I don't know, maybe I'm just not good at urinals but I have never really been able to use them properly.  So I don't know, maybe I'm the only one having this problem, hopefully someone can back me up here.  Maybe it's because the angle of my dangle isn't proportionate to the heat of my meat but every time I use a urinal I get splashed with my own piss.  I think what bugs me the most is that some of this ricochet I'm catching could be the remnants of a previous user's pee.  Yuck.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love pee, who doesn't but I would much rather use a conventional toilet and forgo having two navy blue puddles on my jeans when I return to whoever I am with.  Peeing your pants is cool but having pee splatter your knee is a little embarrassing.  

On a side note, the very worst place I have encountered peeing in urinals is the B Dubs on Lane and High.  The last time I had to use a urinal at this particular bdubs I was a little chilly due to all the wetness on my leg.  Honestly, I think the next time I take a leak there I am going to change into a swimsuit.  I always pee in swimsuits, don't you?

Sometimes I feel goofy taking a leak in a toilet when all the urinals are open but that's okay. Opting for toilets doesn't make me any less of a man, neither does my love for American Musical Theatre.  No, no, it's my vagina that makes me less of a man. 

NASCAR?

In case you missed it, who cares.  The heavens opened up and it started raining, the race was called with 48 (of 200) laps left.  The order of the racers with 48 laps left is how they finished, which was a terrible way to crown a champion.  

WTF NASCAR.  THE DAYTONA 500, THE SUPERBOWL OF RACING.  Uh, we just had the real Super Bowl and they didn't quit after the third quarter.  In fact, they played the entire game.  I understand they can't continue the race when it is raining but that seriously sucked.  I mean, I can't think of a better system NASCAR should invoke for such events but they should race the entire race.  Put that shit under a dome.  The real reason I'm mad is because I bet on the race and it was the first race I have ever watched and was called 3/4 of the way through.  Oh yeah, my main man Elliot Sadler, was in first and then he decided to go slow for a while, dropping him to fifth.  It was about 5 laps after this happened that the race was called and yours truly lost his bet.  I guess I learned my lesson, I don't like NASCAR and I'm not giving it another chance.

Random Topics

The post today will be a little different.  You might think I'm a little weird but I guess you'd be right.  Over the past few weeks I have been putting what I consider to be interesting questions in my phone.  My original plan was to bust these questions out when a few of us were wasted and talk about them.  This blog will be the most fun if you guys post comments about what you think.  Anywho, here we go.  

Q.  What is one character you would change in any movie?

A.  Ok, I'm going to answer my own question with a few answers here.  First off, I'm changing Nick Cage to Bruce Willis in every movie Nick Cage has ever appeared in.  Seriously though, I would change Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz to Danny DeVito.  I would also like to change Toto with Shaq.  I've always wanted to see Danny DeVito carry Shaq in a whicker basket and this would be my perfect chance.

Q.  What is the worst movie you have every seen?

A.  I think I have a tie here.  House of 1000 Corpses and The Dentist II.  Was anyone familiar with The Dentist I?  I know I haven't, which is why I'm not exactly sure why I watched The Dentist II but I definitely wish I had those two hours of my life back.  I don't really remember why I hated House of 1000 Corpses so much because I've been trying to forget that movie.  I do it starred Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute) and it was incredibly impossible.

I should stop being so negative.

Q.  What is the best movie you have ever seen?

A.  I think The Dark Night is probably the best made movie I've ever seen.  I usually don't really go for action movies but The Dark Night was pretty awesome.  As for my favorite movies... Field of Dreams, American Beauty, Donnie Darko, Almost Famous and Dumb and Dumber.  I also really liked Requiem for a Dream but I never want to see it again.  It is a pretty powerful movie and really leaves an impression on you, which is something I look for in a good movie. 

Q.  If you could be an animal what would you be?

A.  I would probably want to be a cat.  You can do whatever you want all day and play with stupid things that shouldn't be fun at all.  Things like, paper, bouncy balls and your own tail.  This is something I could definitely get into.  I would not be the cleanest cat on the block though, because I have a policy that clearly states, "I do not lick my own two-hole".

Q.  How many cans of beer could you consume in one day without a puking rally?

A.  I'm going to pretend like it is one year ago and say about 16.  This of course, is an all day boozing affair, definitely not saying I could do this in two hours like "the godfather" probably could.

Q.  If you had to lose two of your limbs which two would you choose?

A.  I think I would get rid of my left arm and right leg.  This is because I am right-handed and I could hold a crutch in my right arm to act as my right leg.

Q.  If you could go back to any one point in time, where would you go?

A.  I would probably go back to the last ice age and try to befriend a wooly mammoth.  I think if I had a wooly mammoth on my side I would probably be pretty successful.  It could probably catch all my meals for me.  It would be my source of transportation and I could cut off some of its hair and make a killer blanket.  I might even have it kill another wooly mammoth and hollow out its insides so I had a nice house to live in.  Yeah, this is definitely what I would do.

Q.  If you could only use one condiment for the rest of your life what would it be?

A.  A1 Steak sauce.  A1 steak sauce.  A1 steak sauce.  I like A1 steak sauce.  I can manage eating chips without dip and I can even eat french fries without ketchup.  I will not eat steak without A1 though, I'd rather eat my shoe with a side of potatoes. 

Q.  What is the worst school mascot you have ever heard of?

A.  I can't decide if Thad Matta's Cornjerkers is the best or worst mascot I have ever heard of.  I have also heard of a Green Wave which I don't particularly understand.  Green Wave, doesn't really scare me but I also have never been part of a hurricane.

Q.  What is the most useless animal you can think of?

A.  The manitee.  It's nickname is the sea-cow.  I don't think the land-cow is particularly useful, besides the milk, of course.  Last time I checked sea-cows don't give milk so I think they are a pretty terrible animal which contributes nothing to society.  Get a job, sea-cow.