Sports/Story

SPORTS

Today is kind of a big day for sports, especially if you like college basketball. If you're like me, you really couldn't care less about the National Championship tonight and you probably haven't watched more the five minutes of the NCAA tourney since the Buckeyes were ousted. If you're like me, you watched the Reds be less-than-dominant today and you still basically loved it. And if you're like me, you still haven't showered today. Actually, you'd be exactly like me, not similar to me, if this were all true of you.

The mens NCAA tourney is the greatest sporting event in the country, I think. The first two rounds of the tourney features 49 games, out of which, about 10 are absolutely incredible. After the first two rounds are completed, I find myself watching stuff like, "Modern Family," instead of tuning in for the subsequent games. Over the past few years this tourney has gone overwhelmingly "chalk" (meaning the favorites have advanced), which sucks for people who love to root for the underdog, but is great for people who like to watch the most talented teams in the finals. Sure, I used to cheer for the underdog, I get it, it creates captivating stories, but as I become older, fatter and marginally wiser, I hate underdogs. Five years ago, I may have went out and bought a Butler T-shirt for the game tonight. Probably not, I bet I was drunk five years ago today, but you get my point, I don't like underdogs anymore. Wouldn't it be much more exciting to see the talent of Kansas vs. Duke squaring off tonight? What about Player of the year, Evan Turner taking on Kentucky and future NBA star Johnny Wall?

I'm not saying that I don't want Butler in the championship because they'll get blown out. I just think that so called, "underdogs" (Butler was preseason #11 or 12) making appearances in the Championship prevents a more exciting matchup. If you're watching the game tonight, try to notice (it shouldn't be real difficult) how many white people are playing and ask yourself, "is this a country music video shoot, or the best two teams in college basketball?" Say what you want about the NCAAF postseason system, but at least we almost always get two national powerhouses whose rosters are filled with future NFL players in the championship.

I also have never really understood the national hatred for Duke. Why am I supposed to hate a bunch of smart players who perform in the classroom as well as on the basketball court? Why should I disapprove of a team whose members will go on to benefit society?

STORY

I once knew a guy named Larry.

Yeah, that was it, Larry, not Terry.

And he was also very hairy

Did I even mention his allergy to dairy?

One day, down by a bog,

Larry decided to go for a jog.

While listening to music he completely zoned out

And became unaware of his whereabouts.

Larry tripped over a log

And called for his dog,

"Owie, owie, please come here, Callie!"

Much to Larry's dismay,

Callie did not obey.

Larry sat up and looked down at his leg,

The memory of what he saw will never be vague.

Out through the skin did stick his bone,

and he muttered under his breath, "that stupid dog is probably still at home."

The sun began to set and it grew dark,

Larry grabbed two stones to try to make a spark.

You see, Larry lived in Canada and he was becoming more than chilly,

And we all know what the cold does to a man's willy.

Beyond that, Larry was losing feeling in his fingers and toes

and he began to wonder how long until he froze.

Larry thought about his absent dog and his anger began to stew.

"Man's best friend? Well, that's just simply not true."

Larry remembered Lassie saving Timmy when he fell in a well,

But where his dog Callie was, there was no way he could tell.

He decided to give it one more try so he started to shout,

"Callie, Callie, come on out."

Larry, in immense pain, sat and he waited,

The last bit of daylight had already faded.

Frozen and unable to move, Larry had nearly given up hope

When Callie finally emerged he thought, "Can I believe this? Nope!"

Oh Callie, I'm glad you finally came!

I guess you heard me saying your name.

Just then, a look of evil came over Larry's face,

Bone out of his leg, he might be confined to this space.

Larry wielded his pocket-knife, turned and said,

"In this cold, Callie, I'll surely be dead.

You've been a great dog and I hope you don't mind,

but you see, Callie, I really need your hide."

Larry stabbed his dog and she began to yelp,

"Shh, Callie, no one will answer your cry for help."